I’m at a point in time where I need to take a deep breath, step backwards and take a look at my life.
I have been quit a mess lately as it is reflected in my writing. Originally I started this blog with no goal in mind and I believe that at this moment I finally have a few.
1. Gain readers who are young in the life-style (like me).
2. Collect a plethora of information about the BDSM world, because I am always looking to gain more knowledge about the subject. Not out of lust, but out of my own fascination with it.
3. To release the creative side of me that is dying to crawl out. Maybe write a fantasy or two here.
Any suggestions would be very helpful.
On to the next subject:
A little recap about my experience and growth in BDSM
When I was young I played “kidnap/damsel in distress” games in the school yard with classmates. This started at about age 6. There was a boys team and a girls team. The boys would chase the girls around the school yard and when they caught up with the girl they would take them over to the tetherball pole, (which at the time I didn’t even know it was a tetherball pole because it simply lacked one) take the scrunches out of our hair and “tie” us to the pole. We were there captives for the remainder of the day.
I had always enjoyed being a captive, little did I know what it would lead to.
At age six, I had already showed signs that I was predetermined to be a submissive…
Something I must make clear is I come from a very sheltering home.Very straightedge, very vanilla family. Everyone has their family issues, including myself, but I had a comfortable home, and a Mom and Dad.
At 11, I started having rape and kidnap fantasy’s. I’m not sure how they came about or how I found out there were such things, I just remember the curiosity. (As of now I do not really indulge myself in rape fantasies. The high I once got from it has been slowly turning into disgust.)
My tweens were a horrifying experience of trying to fit in. (I have always been decent looking, in shape, and normal. It was like I had some sort of non-existent disease. I still have that issue occasionally.)
When I entered eighth grade I found out how to masturbate. Not sure how that one came about either.
Even though I was already aware of all these things, I had no desire to actually have sex or find someone to have sex with. I was perfectly content with my kinky mind and vanilla life.
Then good ole’ ninth grade came. I was molested by someone close to me. No one in my immediate family, but someone I should have been able to trust. There are theories about submissives that say if you were harmed in the past, it is the cause of their submission. I have come to realize that this event was not the cause what so ever. It just helped me to develop the want for a characteristic in a person that I now greatly treasure from my love.
It took me a long time to go back to my fantasy world after that, and to it has taken me a long time to trust anyone. I fear men. I probably always will.
There was just something about my Master though that I automatically trusted. I met him about half a year later. October 2005. He was the only one I let into my life with ease. I now look back on it as a sign. He had just as little experience with the BDSM world as I did, but somehow over time we have come to grow and learn together. In this relationship I went from a vanilla virgin with a few fantasy’s to living out my fantasies, hopes and dream and feeling completely safe.
I still fear the world a bit. What I have written here only touches on what has shaped me into the person I am today.
At this moment I realize, I am forever under His protection and guard. I am forever His love, His wife, His best friend, and His slave.
It’s Like Freedom.
