A Dream...

I had a dream that we weren't together, but I was with someone else.

There was a hill. A fairly steep hill covered with healthy green grass and freshly fallen fall leaves of all colors.

People were all around playing in the leaves. Laughing, smiling, running around, throwing them in the air.

I was running up the hill playing in the leaves as well; running around the natural boulders, watching everyone's enjoyment and spotted you watching me and smiling. 

I looked to the top of the hill and there was a king with a women holding his arm as they walked.

He was out of place; dressed in royal black garments lined with gold and a crown on his head.

Everyone else was dressed in normal clothes.

You had on that grey long sleeve shirt, jeans and your boots.

The women around the kings arm was dressed in royal red garments lined with black.

I knew she was a lady of high wealth, but I also knew she was not the Queen.

I looked back at you and you were standing there casually and calm with your hands in your pockets.

In my dream we had been best friends for years; as close as we could get.

I looked at the king, whom I was "with" at the time. Who ignored my happiness and a thought occurred to me.

I looked at you, M, and for the first time realizing that I didn't really love this king who had claimed me as his, but I love the man I had been best friends with for years and I said "We have a problem."

The End

The Darker Side of BDSM

I ramble a little in this one... its basically about balancing all the emotions of life, relationship and BDSM. Not such an easy task when you add distance.

Now the lifestyle/sex life we choose to live has it rewards, but mix it with distance, work, school, family, social lives, and romance... it can be a recipe for a complicated mess.

We cannot control the people we are, nor can we control the lives we were meant to lead, but there are times where if we don't tread carefully, rush in guns blazing, develop selfish motives or forget that there are two independent minds that make up a relationship feelings can get hurt and emotions can be mis-interpreted.

We (meaning M and I, I think he will agree) tend to throw our relationship off balance when our motives turn selfish or we forget that we have responsibilities to each other's emotional needs.

Sometimes our desires become very dark. I sometimes feel guilty for wanting to be "abused" or treated "dirty", but it's a release an feels good after a stressful week. Now keep in mind my definition of abused:

(In D/s terms) Abuse; Verb. -  To have my body subjected to anything seen fit by M, excluding anything that would put me in physical danger or harm me emotionally. (Getting punched, kicked, hit/smacked with negitive intentions, ignored after play, no positive reinforcement, disregarding my feelings about something ect.) 

M would never intentionally hurt me.

Nonetheless, since we are long-distance things can get skewed, misinterpreted or the romance and connection between us can get lost in the static and excitement of our D/s life.

M has always had a thing for threesomes, then again most guys do; however, he has made it clear that it is more about the power and control he would have then the sex. The ability to control multiple girls gives him a rush, just like the idea of being kidnapped by a group of guys gives me a rush.

I forget sometimes.

There is a girl he has met which he has taken to and I knew in the beginning that it was about the control and didn't have anything to do with me being inadequate  Time progressed, it's been a few weeks and something took over me. Fear. He hadn't over stepped his boundaries  just giving her a command here and there, but something grew inside of me.

This girl is pretty. She's skinnier then me (these are facts, not irrational comments), younger, still in the prime of her hormonal years (meaning horny all the time), and seems willing to listen to every command M gives her. I got jealous.

Disclaimer: Keep in mind M had nothing to do with the following and nor did he know the extent of how I felt. I should have shared it with him.

I started starving myself to lose weight, I started giving in to every command without fighting and even going as far as to beat him to the punch by doing things that I know he would ask me or want me to do before he even asked even though I'd usually say no. (For example: taking pictures in the morning and sending them, suggesting putting my anal beads in during the day...etc.)

I felt like I was in an unspoken competition with this girl to be the better sub. This is when things started to snowball.

Non of this I shared with M. The only real thing I would say is that I was a little jealous but it was okay. It wasn't.

Analysis of Why Things Went Wrong

We love each other very much. We are best friends and we have grown into this lifestyle together. We would never want to hurt each other, but it happens. 

I have anxiety which also played a role. During this three week period when M had a new girl to explore possibilities with and talk to our romance and conversations took to the bench. Our conversations would be about this girl or other things like commands and what not. We didn't really talk about everyday things or laugh about random stuff. Our life became consumed with D/s. And I'm finally starting to see a pattern. This seems to happen every few months where we go too far towards the D/s and forget that we are in a loving relationship. 

I need the romance and it fell to the wayside. I need to be reminded that I am more then just a fuck toy and that fell to the wayside a little bit. There were a few mornings where I woke up and had a bad start to the day right away. I would cry on the way to work, exhausted about other stresses in my life and didn't really get more then an "I'm sorry" out of M. 

There were days where he would be really stressed about work and school and I would bitch at him about something stupid. I should have been there for him to lean on.

And in between these days we filled with talk of sex and kink and D/s. We would quietly fill our roles with no complaints, not communicating with each other when there were underlying things wrong slowly eating at our relationship. 

This past week I have misinturrpreted some things he has said to me which has caused my anxiety to flare up. We haven't really been romantic with each other since we last saw each other Halloween weekend. 

We need to remember that our souls need the romance and need to be feed with words of compassion, understanding and love. We need to keep ourselves emotionally fit for the D/s world and we have to remember to not neglect our own feelings or each others. 

I did not speak up when something bothered me and M let his excitement/libido take over. There has got to be a balance because if not, our already complicated long-distance relationship will be filled with resentment, fear, depression and "real" darkness.

Moving Forward

We have decided that when we see each other this Friday we are going to write an official set of ground rules if we are to continue this life. Me with my obsessive need to feel loved, gain attention, feel relinquished of responsibilities and submissive in his presence, but also to go on with my career and life as the head strong independent (stubborn... hehe) women I have grown into. Him with his obsessive need to control and spoil, to take care of, teach and feel respected, needed and loved in return.

Aside from all this I have other fears... fears that we will never be together, that I won't be able to have a family with him and fears that I won't be the perfect girl he deserves or wants....but...

He has reassured me several times that I am the most beautiful girl he has ever seen, I have the most beautiful eyes, and the most amazing personality. He recites these things daily.

I think most of our issues stem from long-distance because when we are together we have it down to a science. We are like two matching puzzle pieces in a very very large puzzle. All things fall into place and we feel complete. Put a three hour drives and two to four weeks between us and we start having problems.

I want the distance to end desperately, but I also want us to be happy.

Masquerade, Hurricanes and Giant Anal Beads

My life is busy so this post is a little over due...

Where do I begin...

Friday 10/26

I went to see M this weekend and we were both way overly excited to see each other. I couldn't have gotten out of work faster on Friday to drive the few hours.  As I drove my heartbeat picked up pace. I knew what was waiting for me at the end of my journey. M would be standing outside as I drove up his driveway eager to get his hands on me after three weeks.

Earlier that day he had called me eager to tell me about the new toys he had bought for us to play with. A blindfold, new anal beads (small ones, mine had broke previously) and then giant anal beads. (Is it still a bead if it's giant?).

When I got there we couldn't keep our hands off each other. When we went up into his room he immediately told me to kneel at the end of the bed. I waited and watched him move around the room as my legs fell asleep beneath me. He finally walked over to me. I took off a ring I was wearing and placed it on the edge of the bed. He looked at me and said "Did I tell you you could move." Oh, yeah. He was definitely in the mood. I placed my ring back on and he started to undress me. He got out the ropes and tied them around the bed. He proceeded to tie one of my hands to one side and my other hand to the other side so that I was kneeling, helplessly tied to the end of the bed.

He then blindfolded and ball gagged me. Then place anal beds in my ass slowly. He played with my body and then he tried to hypnotize me again which worked and didn't work at the same time. I went under, couldn't move, felt relaxed, but I didn't fall asleep and I remembered most everything he said.

Finally after playing with me some more he untied me and fucked me. It felt sooo good.

Saturday 10/27

We slept hard and woke up around 8:30 to get some Starbucks and search for our Halloween costumes for this huge Halloween party they were having in our area. After much shopping around and goofing off in the Halloween stores and mall we decided to go as Venetians. Our decision was very much inspired by Assassins Creed. Our costumes were amazing. He looked so hot in his...sorry girl moment haha.

Anyway... it finally got to be that time to meet up with people and go to the massive party (5000 people, not exaggerating). The wind was kicking up a little as the clouds from Hurricane Sandy started to hover over us. There were all kinds of different party areas, entertainment and costumes. They had strippers and the famed grinder girls, skrillix, lmafo, industrial rave music. --Not a complete sentence, but you get the point. IT WAS AWESOME.

We were pleasantly surprised when we walked through two of the areas. The first one was a spanking both. Yes! An actual spanking both with FemDoms willing to whip some poor shmucks ass. I of course was way to shy/scared to go up there. Especially afraid that one of our friends would notice or see.

Another room had a girl cuffed to a spider web like chain set up. The Dom was using electricity on her and she was very obviously enjoying this. This room was tiny, there was a leather bench/spanking table of some sort that I was glade to sit down on because my heels were killing me. We had broken away from our group on purpose and there weren't very many people in the room due to the nature of the performers. I was very relaxed as we watched the show. This girl squirmed and squealed at every shock followed by a very satisfied giggle or smile from the Dom.

I looked around the room at everyones faces as they watched the girl. I love people watching. Their faces said it all. Some were obviously experienced. They were critiquing with their eyes and serious. Others were excited. Many walked in the room for two seconds mouthed omg or what. Their eyes would get wide and they would stare and then quickly leave or get pulled out by their friend saying lets go. This particular couple caught me off guard. They were very mainstream looking. Very frat boy and sorority girl, but they sat there at least as long as M and I did and watched. The girl sat on his lap and had a very submissiveness to her.

I wore my mask the entire time. I am way to afraid of being recognized. I'm a bit ashamed of being afraid to let people know who I am, but I just honestly don't want the drama that could stem from it which has caused me to become overly paranoid.  M says I had my mask on at the beginning of the night because I was hiding in general. Which he was right. I have a slight social anxiety.

Anyway, as the night progressed we chilled in a stripper area. My feet were killing me and I had been stumbling worse then the drunk people on my heels even though I was not even the slightest bit buzzed. (I am trying not to drink to see if it effects my anxiety, but that's a different story.) So I sit down and look to my right and these people are having sex, under the girls cape sitting on the guy cowgirl style. You couldn't really see anything, but they were definitely fucking. I stealthily took out my cell phone to record.. don't judge me haha... but it was too dark to see anything.

Sunday 10/28

Now I am continuing to write this post a whole two weeks later so the details are a bit fuzzy now. M got me these giant anal beads which we decided to play with. To my surprise I was almost able to take them all except for the last two, but the sensation was amazing. So amazing that the minute they were in my ass I felt that I was going to come just from that.

Under His Control...Literally

This is my second post and an entirely new subject.

hyp·no·sis [hip-noh-sis]

noun, plural hyp·no·ses [-seez] 

1. an artificially induced trance state resembling sleep, characterized by heightened susceptibility to suggestion.

It's absolutely exhilarating. Did I think it would really work, I had my doubts and so did he, but when I came out of it I couldn't figure out if it was real or I had been struck by the placebo effect.

M visited me this weekend and had suggested that he wanted to try hypnosis on me. I thought it would be fun, but when it came down to it he changed his mind. I kept asking why and he said he was fighting with his conscious. I think having that much control over me scared Him. He loves me dearly and I think he likes that I am able to make my own choices, but the primal dominant side wanted to be able to give me a command that I would complete without question. (I say no and wine alot) 

I wanted Him to try it and honestly the idea turned me on. Plus I was feeling really anxious about some issues I was having at work. I felt the anxiety was taking over me. I finally looked at him and said can you do it so I can relax and relax I did.

He has a natural soothing tone to him. His voice has always been extremely calming to me so I should have known that it would work.

He counted down telling me to relax my feet and legs and that's all I remember about the count down...lol

Then I remember somethings he said I guess after I was under. I remember Him saying I will remember he said these things, but it's kind of a dream like memory. I remember telling me that when he says an Italian word I will instantly relax and be happy or something like that.... I remember Him saying that I will do everything he says without question and that I can't say no to Him. 

And then I remember opening my eyes and Him staring at me. At first I was like why are you looking at me weird and then I remembered what was happening. 

And from that point on I couldn't say No. He told me to do things and I wanted to. And even if my mind told me I didn't want to I wanted to make Him happy. And when I really really didn't want to do something and I tried to deny Him I couldn't. It was weird. Like I forgot how to say No or couldn't get the words together, kind of like how when your trying to remember a word and you say "it's at the tip of my tongue" but it never comes. 

But it was a liberating feeling. To be truly submissive and not be able to make excuses. I have found that I can beg and say no at indirect commands, but I can't directly say no and then it just becomes easier to do the task. 

  

I found this out because He told me to get nipple piercings, which I really, really don't want.  I tried to say no, but I couldn't get it out. I wanted to get them pierced, but my head was freaking out. It's a weird sensation when you want something, but don't at the same time. I begged. Instead of saying no I manged to say "please don't make me" in which M replied "okay". I have to beg now if I don't want something. I can't just say no. I have to put all new words together; however it comes out more polite and respectful then my typical attitude ridden no's used to.

My libido is back, I am more relaxed now... I don't know why I am more relaxed considering I don't think that has anything to do with his "You have to do whatever I say" command, but there is something different inside me and I like it.  It's freeing. 

If He could do that every time I felt full of anxiety I would never have to live with that dreadful feeling again.  It's an exciting ability M has, but scary with all that power... that's what turns me on the most. Thank God I can trust Him! 

I'm curious about others experience with hypnosis. I love you M. This is an exciting new area of exploration for the both of us!

<3 br="br" ellie="ellie">

Dear Anne Rice... You took the words right out of my mouth!

 My life has once again become filled with flavor, adrenaline, and light. My weekend was absolutely exhilarating.

I have two topics I want to write about. The first I will write here and the other I will create another post for.

Ever since I found out that Anne Rice (author of Interview With a Vampire/Queen of the Damned), had a pseudonym (like I do!), and wrote erotica novels with D/s themes I have wanted to read them. Today during my lovely hour long lunch at my first real job (p.s. I love btw) I went to Barnes and Noble on a sudden mission to finally purchase these books. I think it was also spurred by inspiration from this passed weekend, but that is what my next post is about... please read it.

Anyway, I literally just got done reading the Preface that Anne Rice wrote for The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty. I had to jump out of my comfy bed blog about it, NOW!

Fifty Shades of Grey has now main streamed BDSM. What used to be in the dark depths of the underground is now coming to light in society and Anne is feeding off of it. She wrote a new Preface for the claiming of Sleeping Beauty this past June and it's by far the best preface I have ever not regretted skipping.

Every word is exactly how I feel about this lifestyle M and I are constantly exploring, it's "play", it's a way to escape reality and it's a way for people who take a lead role in their everyday lives to give in and become the passive one behind the scenes. Seriously, if you want to know how I feel about all of this (BDSM) read my blog or read Anne Rice's latest preface in her new edition of The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty because she sums up my many writings in a few short pages.

She is now someone I aspire to become. I've always wanted to be a writer, but I was always afraid to really write what I wanted to because of giving away my secrets to people I know. Anne talks about how she battled with this and how it was freeing to do it.

Ever since I have come out of the fog I was in a few months ago, things have become clearer. My talents and likes are beginning to seep back into my veins and I feel like myself. Even my  love of writing has been slowly coming back to me. And now that I've gotten a look into the mind of a women that thinks like I do I am more inspired to go for it and finally write that novel I've always wanted to under my pseudonym, Ellie Taylor.

Anne wrote that she had no idea when she wrote Queen of the Damned that Vampires where going to be a big thing, that they were going to go main stream and now she is attributing her new found excitement to Fifty Shades of Grey. Her books that she wrote years ago for an underground world are now seeing the sun.

As much as I disliked Fifty Shades of Grey, I have to say I feel more comfortable about who I am and what I like and what I want to write about then ever before, but don't misconstrue that as I'm going to go shouting to the world that I like to be gagged and told what to do. The world (being my family and friends) are not ready to hear that directly from me, but maybe, just maybe they are ready to hear it from Ellie Taylor.

<3 ellie="ellie" p="p">

 

I love my Job!

So I've done a complete 360 from January. It's beautiful outside, I love my job, I love my home, I love M and I'm loving life right now.

I'm not going to lie, sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me, but I try to take a deep breath, think rationally and now that I have this past year to compare to my current situation it's easier to calm myself and remind myself of how lucky I am.

I spent last weekend with M. We played with our dog, played some lazer tag and kicked ass and hung out with friends. It was the most fun I've had in a while!

<3 br="br" ellie="ellie">

An Introspective Vacation

I'm leaving today for the beach and my grandmothers. I decided I really wanted to go to the beach before my job starts to get some R&R, but apparently I have to go by myself if I'm going to go. M can't go and my family can't go. I do get to hang out with my grandmother who thinks she's 20 something though (she's absolutely hilarious)

I'm feeling anxiety about the whole thing though. I don't know if it's because it will be the first time on my own since the whole disaster of a move or if it's because a 7 1/2 hour drive seems a little intimidating. Or maybe I just really did want M to come. Idk. Usually my intuition like this is a warning sign, but every thinks i need to go and I want to go.

My plan is to learn to meditate, to exercise, to jump back on a good sleep cycle, and to purge myself of all the bad foods I've been eating. I may even try to take a bath or two which I usually find tedious and boring. I got many books from the library which I intend reading also. Basically I'm a go go go person and I'm going to learn to relax again and get away from my stressful household before I start my adult life.

I did the same thing last year and ended up continuing to lose 15 pounds when I got back and I was living in a very happy stress free way while working at the same time. Of course my mood went south and I gained all that weight back, when I moved, but I guess my mission is to find that happy place again where I was getting fit, my emotions felt stable and I was generally a happy girl.

So until next week or whenever I decide to come home = )

<3 ellie="ellie">

P.S. I plan on using Honim Myo meaning from this moment on as my mantra as I learn to meditate. Thanks to "Kitten for Sir" for giving me that one.

101st Post

So it occurred to me that my 100th post was yesterday and it slipped my mind. 100 posts is a lot of writing. Not sure if it's a big deal or not, but people seem to like to point out their mile stone posts. I'm going to point this one out instead.

This is my 101st post!!!!! Yay!!!! 

Okay. Now that that's out of my system. 

This morning I woke up to a text from M. 

"Good morning. When you awaken, take a long walk to the front of your subdivision and back. Then take a shower with your, but plug in your pussy, the clitoral vibrator and play with your ass, then eat two hard boiled eggs. You can only drink water today and three beers or three glasses of wine tonight. When you have done all that I want you to put on your bikini and wash your car with your hands and a rag. After that you may sit down for a few minutes and play Assassins Creed with the butt plug in your pussy. Try to locate the purple one so you can fill both your dirty tight holes. Be a good girl today for me please thank you.  

Master "

 I saw this when I woke up and thought this is new. I liked it because they are tasks to be done and I do them in that order, but I have the freedom to do other things through the day too. All these tasks a re good for my health and also allow me to release sexual energy. I also get to play games too! LDR and D/s is a trick thing, but I think this is along the lines of how it can work. 


When I got up at 10am I went for a long walk, which was a work out. I power walked and worked up a good sweat then I took a shower and since it's noon I requested that I can make a broiled sourdough, goat cheese, spinach and tomato sandwich  with balsamic vinegar to which he said yes. 


Which is what I'm going to do right now since my tummy is growling. 


I miss M and I can't wait to visit him. After I wrote my post yesterday I was afraid of backlash. Anger, resentment or hurting his feelings, but I didn't get any of that and I enjoyed the rest of yesterday talking to him. I also felt much better after writing all that and I think he's glad I did too because he knows that when I write to get things off my mind he understands me more and I am more relaxed.


It's sometimes hard to keep up with these posts, but I think it;s good for me and I'm going to try to write more often.


<3 Ellie

Things are falling into place... for the most part...

I'm home and it feels wonderful. I feel normal, happy and alive again. My anxiety and depression I was feeling are virtually gone. I do however get waves of "omg I'm a grown up" panic occasionally, but I try to change the thought subject.


Since moving home I have been the most relaxed and my thoughts have been the most clear that they have been in a long time.


M, I know your going to read this, but it's like I've always said, I get my thoughts out better on paper.


I love you.


Anyway, things are falling into place. I got a job. A real job... a career. I'm very excited because this job feels like it fits with my major (Business Administration), but I may actually enjoy it. The pay allows me to live like an adult. I'm not moving out of my parents quite yet though (I'm kinda of tired of moving). Here's the thing and it's been on my mind for a while. 


I really really enjoy the D/s relationship that M and I have; however, it seems we cannot commit to it 24/7 and it kind of seems like things fall apart a little if we aren't in D/s mode. This past few days M had been especially dominant and for the first time in a long long time. I was extremely excited about this because just the night before I was thinking about how we don't do that anymore and I really really really wish I could see that side of him again. 


There something about him that I am attracted too when he's dominant. It's not necessarily just the sexual primal side. He's a different person. he's more confident, more mature and has a adult demeanor. Maybe I shouldn't call it dominance. Maybe it something else. It's like he has this inner battle with himself about his life and where's he is going. Much of the time he's hyper, jokes around and plays games... 90% of the time, which is fun and all, but I wish there was more of a 50/50 for the mature side. I feel like he's confused about who he is and the overly hyperness is a wall and a distraction from his current state of being. 


When he's like that it extremely hard for me to see him as a dominant or not even dominant , but a confident growing adult, and then I feel like I get sexually frustrated, turned off and then both of us just get sexually frustrated. 


I got a "big girl" job and in about a year I'll be moving into my own place, I'll have a 401K, stock options and salary. When I was in high school I dreamed about having my own life. Having a career and starting a family. I now have a career and at this point in time it looks like family isn't going happen for a long time.


He's got his own things to worry about, but I'm not going to lie, there feels like there's this void in my heart. We've been together for almost 7 wonderful years now, but we are growing apart in adulthood and I'm scared. 


I want to be with him, but what is holding us from being together? Difference in where we are in our lives. It's not a bad thing we are just different. I desperately want us to be in the same place. 


I'm ready to move to the next level of our relationship, I'm ready to settle down and start thinking about my dream home or the car I'm going to get in the next year. I'm not ready for kids quite yet, but I do want them. I'm ready to start making a family of my own... for real. 


We used to talk hypothetically growing up about the kind of place we want to live and the kids we want to have, the careers we are seeking and now we are at that age where hypothetical talk is being turned into reality... I just don't think he's entirely ready and I've been ready for some time. I think moving to where he's lives is evidence of this.


I don't think he realizes how serious I am or how much this sinking feeling haunts me that he won't ever be where I am.... ready for commitment. It hurts because I love him so much.


It's inevitable that if we won't last if things stay the way they are and it really hurts to think that, but it's reality. We aren't kids  anymore...


My mission here is not to hurt or offend.  I just don't know how to get these feeling out without writing about them.


All my friends who have been in long-term relationship are engaged or married, I can't think of one whose not. Those who don't have someone have new careers and a few are starting to build their homes. I'm ready for that and there isn't anything I want more in the world then to call my high school sweetheart husband, live in a comfortable home, maybe a little ways from the city with our dog, talking about our day and watching a movie or playing a game. That's my dream.


I write all this with a bit of sadness and fear that it may not happen for us, but also excitement and love that we will have this soon.

My Sanity

My mood has been absolutely all over the place and it has been completely exhausting. So, today I was bored and searching online for things to do when I came across this Sanity Test online and decided to share the results with you. This is the aftermath of everything since December. 

... and here is the link to the Sanity Test if you would like to do the test yourself. I have to say, it's pretty spot on and I'm actually pretty shocked by some of the results for instance borderline personality and OCD which apparently is more then just obsession over doing things, but an inability to control on thoughts about death. 

Your Sanity Score

125

Based upon your answers, you appear to be experiencing some distress at the moment -- your overall mental health is affected by this distress. People with similar scores tend to experience more difficulty in coping with life, and may feel like they need more help than they're currently getting. Because of this, your mental health could likely use a little boost. If you have been feeling this way for longer than 2 weeks' time, people similar to you have sought out professional care from a mental health professional, such as a psychologist, psychotherapist or psychiatrist.

(The Sanity Score is based upon a scientific algorithm with scores ranging from 0 - 288.)

Your specific subscores are below (subscales range from 0 - 100). Under the graph of subscores, you will find additional information regarding the meaning of any significant scores or areas that may be of concern.

General Coping	86
Life Events	47
Depression	84
Anxiety	41
Phobias	25
Self-Esteem	25
Eating Disorders	55
Schizophrenia	0
Dissociation	50
Mania	65
Sexual Issues	44
Relationship Issues	63
Alcohol	0
Drugs	0
Physical Issues	0
Smoking Issues	0
Gambling Issues	0
Technology Issues	38
Obsessions/Compulsions	75
Posttraumatic Stress	8
Borderline Traits	33

Your BMI: Not calculated Your body mass index (BMI) is a measure of body fat based on height and weight that applies to both adult men and women. BMI correlates with body fat. The relation between fatness and BMI differs with age and gender. For example, women are more likely to have a higher percent of body fat than men for the same BMI. On average, older people may have more body fat than younger adults with the same BMI.

Your BMI: You may be: Below 18.5 Underweight 18.5 - 24.9 Normal 25.0 - 29.9 Overweight 30.0 and Above Obese

 General Coping: People with similar scores as yours tend to feel overwhelmed by life or specific things in life right now. You appear to express a great degree of unhappiness with life right now, which strongly suggests a change would be helpful, such as seeking out professional help or talking to a doctor about your concerns.

Life Events: You're experiencing events in your life that may be negatively affecting your overall mental health and your ability to cope with other things in your life. This may also affect your mood.

 Depression: People with scores similar to yours are typically suffering from a moderate to severe depressive episode. This is also known as clinical depression or just plain depression. People who have answered similarly to you typically qualify for a diagnosis of major depression and have sought professional treatment for this disorder.

You should not take this as a diagnosis of any sort, or a recommendation for treatment. However, if would be advisable and likely beneficial for you to seek further diagnosis from a trained mental health professional soon to rule out a possible depressive disorder.

Take Action for Depression:

• Learn About Depression
• Take a Depression Quiz
• Read About Treatment Options
• Join our Support Group
• Find a Therapist

Anxiety: People with scores similar to yours are typically experiencing some degree of anxiety, which may or may not be a concern serious enough to seek out professional help. Remember that a little anxiety in normal, everyday life is to be expected and is a good thing. Nobody should be without any anxiety whatsoever, as anxiety is our body's way of telling us that we should pay closer attention to a situation, event or person in our lives (even if that person is ourselves). Scores in this range suggests a person may be experiencing elevated levels of anxiety that may be causing some distress in an individual.

The most common anxiety disorders diagnosed are either panic disorder or generalized anxiety disorder.

Take Action for Anxiety:

• Learn About Anxiety Concerns
• Take an Anxiety Quiz
• Join our Support Group
• Find a Therapist

Phobias: People with scores similar to yours express some irrational fears of certain specific object or situations, such as being afraid of heights, snakes, or enclosed spaces. Generally, however, most people with this level of fear simply avoid the specific objects or situations in their lives and are not bothered enough by the fears to have it interrupt their everyday lives.

Self-Esteem: People with scores similar to yours express some minor concerns with their self-esteem. Self-esteem is most often the product of our upbringing and personalities. It is something that a self-help book or psychotherapist can help a person learn to readily improve in even just a few sessions. Generally, however, most people have some minor self-esteem issues and often don't seek out assistance for this issue.

 Eating Disorders: People with scores similar to yours are often diagnosed with an eating disorder, such as anorexia or bulimia. Eating disorders occur mostly in women and are due to poor self-image and self-esteem, often as a result of childhood experiences. You can read up ontreatment information for anorexia or bulimia. This is not a diagnosis, or a recommendation for treatment. However, it would be advisable and likely beneficial for you to seek additional assistance from a mental health professional who specializes in eating disorders within your community.

Your body mass index suggests you may also be underweight, which could be causing you additional stress.

Take Action for an Eating Disorder:

• Learn About Eating Disorders
• Take the Eating Attitudes Test
• Join our Support Group
• Find a Therapist

Dissociation: People with scores similar to yours sometimes lose track of time, people, places or events, but not to the extent that it causes serious problems in the individual's life. You canlearn more about dissociative disorders here.

 Mania & Bipolar Disorder: People with scores similar to yours often complain of symptoms commonly associated with bipolar disorder (also known as manic-depression). Bipolar disorder is characterized by a swing in moods from depression to mania (having racing thoughts, an excess of energy, inability to maintain attention, etc.). Bipolar disorder at this level can seriously interfere with a person's normal, everyday life and impair functioning in social relationships, work, school, and other areas of one's life. You can learn more about the symptoms and types of bipolar disorder here.

People who report similar levels of bipolar symptoms often benefit from professional treatment for their concern through a combination of psychotherapy and medication.

Sexual Issues: People with scores similar to yours often have a minor or moderate sexual issue that is causing them some concern.

 Relationship Issues: People with scores similar to yours often complain about one or more serious relationship issues. Relationship issues at this level are often serious and can result in a relationship failing if they are not addressed by both parties (through some type of intervention, whether it be a self-help book or couple's counseling or such).

Technology Issues: People with scores similar to yours sometimes complain about having difficulty controlling their time or use of the Internet and other technologies. They may check email obsessively, or IM friends all the time. Generally, most people do not consider this a problem or issue unless it is seriously affecting your relationships with your friends, your family members, or your significant other.

 Obsessions & Compulsions: People with scores similar to yours often have an obsessive-compulsive disorder. You can view symptoms and treatment options for this disorder. This is not a diagnosis, or a recommendation for treatment. However, it would be advisable and likely beneficial for you to seek a professional diagnosis from a trained mental health professional in your community at your earliest convenience.

Take Action for Obsessions/Compulsions:

• Learn About Obsessions and Compulsions
• Take an OCD Quiz
• Treatments for OCD
• Find a Therapist

Borderline Traits: People with scores similar to yours sometimes have a trait or two that is commonly associated with borderline personality disorder. Generally people with such traits do not seek out or need additional mental health treatment, but it is good knowledge to have.

Recommendations

 You have 6 serious concerns that we've identified. Generally such concerns should be checked out with a mental health professional as soon as you can. You can find a mental health professional within your local community through your insurance provider or through an online therapist directory. Get help immediately if these concerns are overwhelming or you feel your health or safety is at risk.

You have 8 milder concerns that we've identified. Such concerns may be a part of an ordinary person's usual up's and down's in life. However, if any of these issues cause you worry or concern, please consult with your physician or a mental health professional for further information.  

I'm curious to know what other peoples results were...

<3 Ellie <3

"Why" is a dangerous word.

I just wrote a post on Fifty Shades of Grey and since this is a different subject, sort of, I wanted to start a separate post.

Recently I have had an issue with questioning everything M tells me to do.

M - Go get comfy. Me - Why?

M- Drink some water. Me - Why?

M - Stay here. Me - Why?

I have also discovered something else recently. The only real punishment I am truly afraid of is M's belt. I discovered this on day when I was giving him attitude and I think I pissed him off too much. He took off his belt, cornered me and smacked my ass full force. I deserved it, I cried and I had a belt shaped bruise on my ass for two weeks.

In order to avoid M getting frustrated at me for saying "why" so often I now get one belt swap on the ass every time I ask why when he tells me to do something. The other day I wracked up three. They hurt like hell and he only put about 60% behind each hit.

So I guess this is a rule that's going to stick because M certainly enjoy's it and I am asking why a whole lot less.

Fifty Shades... Bitch Please

I have finally finished the phenomenon that has become Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James. The ending isn't even an ending. I just have to that first and foremost. M is big on endings, they are either great or terrible and this story doesn't really end.

This fan fiction novel never expanded from just that. What I am reading and finding out all over the web is that people either hate or love the book. It seems there is a pattern though. vanilla's think the book is great unless they are offended by the profanity and those of us in the underground world think it's terrible, but it still turns us on a little bit... come on, admit it.

As from a BDSM stand point, the book largely relies on Christian Grey's abusive past to explain why he is the way he is. We get it already. Most of us know that for a lot of people that may be the cause of our *cough* hoobby *cough*; however, for many of us this is not the case.

It also seems like the author can't figure out a "reason" to parallel Christians reason. A.K.A...

Ana - I like this, but I don't know why....I like this, but again I don't know why.... Once again I like this, but I don't know why.

Much of the story is fluff and then sex. There isn't much character growth, and there really isn't a climax... unless you count the last few pages which is why I don't think there is an ending.

*******************************SPOILER ALERT************************************


After everything that's happened in the book.... at the very end Ana randomly decides she wants to know what its like to feel Christians full wrath after a wonderful night they had together. He brings her to his play room or what Ana calls "Christian's Red Room of Pain" and swats her multiple times with a belt very hard until she runs away from him crying. She goes home to "wallow in her grief" so to speak and that is exactly how it ends. 


*****************************SPOILER ALERT END*********************************

When the author whips out the real BDSM (no pun intended), the book is over. I would call this light kink and would use BDSM to describe the content of the book. Every scene is about sex, not BDSM. While there are many elements and terms that refer to the subject,the book isn't really about that.

My Conclusions

• Long-story short I think there were really only two scenes that turned me on. One involved kegal balls and the one with the belt (Note to M: I know your reading this and that does not mean I want you to use your belt more. Note to Readers: I'll explain in a second.).
• I hate Ana for her ability to come so freaking easily. I'm talking about by Christian just fondling her breasts, or with one thrust. BTW the sex scenes seemed a tad bit unrealistic and way to fast. 

• This is the authors first book... and it is obvious. 
• She has friends in high places to get her book without a real ending on the NY Bestsellers list. 
• I will not continue reading the series. The ending is the way it is because even though you think the book is terrible it still makes you go "what the F*** just happened? I have to read the next one." My theory is that it end likes that for the author to sell more of her books, not for the pleasure of the reader and the sake of literary genius. 

 It's too long, unrealistic and rambles. Aside from the extremely hot, non-existent, billionaire, young dominant Christian Grey, and maybe a few of the sex scenes this book was not worth the read.

I Am Different Then I Was Before

This is a 2-Part Post

1. A Much Overdo Update

2. The United States "Fifty Shades of Grey" Obession

I know it's been a very very long time and for that I deeply apologize. The last few months have been for lack of a better word.... difficult. I realize that I have subscribers and very supportive friends through my blog and I have neglected all of you. Well I'm back, but I've changed just  a bit.

I will most likely be doing a little redecorating on my site as I have done in my life. My Boyfriend and I are still together... that certainly has not changed. 

Since February I have done a lot of soul searching; trying to figure out where I took the wrong turn in my life and through church, friends, family and my amazing supportive boyfriend (I'll call Him M from here on out) I realized I didn't exactly take a wrong turn I just really needed a wake up call that I was headed down a road I would not have been happy with....

Long-story short (read previous posts if your confused) here I am nearly 6 months later and I am returning home and, quite unfortunately also returning to a LDR. = ( However I find it a necessity to start over from scratch and start from the beginning again. We will make it work.

I have grown from this experience, but I am not upset to leave it behind. It's very difficult to make bills with a low paying job you never intended to have in the fist place and living on your own for the first time in a strange city.

M and I have let lose on all the D/s stuff just because I think we've been a bit distracted by everything going on and also because of my stress levels, but I'm sure it'll make a major come back. Now that I'm moving home I can relax a little which leads me to something strange happening in the USA that I just recently noticed......

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

I've been involved in BDSM for 8 years now as a sub and now my I'm all excited/quizzical about the new phenomenon that is fifty shades of grey.

HOW IN THE HELL DID AN AVERAGE EROTICA MAKE IT MAINSTREAM?

My world has turned inside out and I'm very confused.

1. The author probably had a million friends in high places.
2. This series reads like every other erotica I own. It's nothing too special. ( Don't get me wrong I am enjoying the read and loving Christian just like everyone else...)
3. How did it go mainstream and make bestsellers lists?
4. Does this mean I can come out of the kink closet sometime in the future so to speak.
5. I helped an elderly women find it at barnes and noble today... I'll repeat and clarify... a group of elderly grandmother type women.
6. Everyone is now going to know the meaning of the term vanilla which kinda of takes away the fun for me trying to figure out if a person is infact into BDSM.
7. My friends and god-sisters (ages 23, 18) are posting pictures of them reading is on facebook and their on the third book....this is becoming a little awkward now they know what I do.
8. I hope to God my little sister doesn't read it nor my Dad because he may be reminded of a note he found when I was 15 and I really don't want to go there again.
9. Are people saying that my relationship is okay now? Or is everyone still in denial and only looking at this book as a taboo fun fantasy read?

So many thoughts running through my head. This used to be an underground life-style, but now... the book is being discussed on TV, in newspapers on the radio.... and now everyone is aware that this world of Dominants and their submissives exists.

So many Adult stores are reporting increased sales of 99% ... I liked the paranormal before that was a fad and got made fun for it and I was into BDSM before this book came out hiding my lifestyle from so many... is this the next fad? the next few years of culture are going to be very entertaining thanks to this book and major figures such as Rhianna and her S&M song.

I never in a million years expected this.

~ Ellie <3

P.S. It's good to be back : )

Waitress... Again

So, it's been a while. Here's what's going on. My Master and I are enjoying the hell out of being able to see each other almost everyday and we are taking complete advantage of it... believe me : ) The other day we spent the entire day together in my apartment, naked most of the time, having some fun with toys and whips ... hehe. Anyway...

After my last post, a week went by of trying to solve the identity problem so that I could work. The day after I thought I finally found a way around it, my new place of employment informed me that they had to take back the job offer. Of course, after everything, I was absolutely devastated.

Through some connections, about a day later I was hired as a waitress at a local restaurant. There wasn't really anyway for me to move back home because to break my lease would cost $3,200 which is what I spent to get down here in the first place. (My life savings.)

As of right now I am waitressing. After all of this it has me thinking, I didn't really want that job to begin with anyway so maybe it happened for a reason and this gives me the opportunity to take a step back and re-evaluate my life and what I really want to do with it; however, I feel like I'm a little young to be experiencing a mid-life crisis but I guess that's what happens when your at a cross-roads and reality hits you square in the face.

I'm having an interesting, growing and sometimes fun experience, but things just seem to keep happening to me which is making things hard. For example, two days ago I rear ended someone...while stopped... at a stop light... it wasn't a huge deal, but I was depressed a little that day and my emotions just exploded afterwards and yesterday I had to work a double at the restaurant with a pulled side and back muscle that I pulled somehow while I was sleeping... it hurts.

This whole experience is interesting, eye opening and forcing me to learn about myself which could be a good thing, but I am all around exhausted trying to figure out what to do.

I feel stuck, which could be a good thing or a bad thing. It's an opportunity to think about who I truly am and what I truly want in life, but then I have to pay bills and I have some things that may restrict me from trying other stuff.
 

Settled In... With Help From Xanax and VIZIO

Last I wrote I was torn apart; my rational thinking and ability to have a normal functioning day completely diminished. Today I feel much, much, much better.

I ended up going to the doctor after that last post because I was on a complete downward spiral and despite how my Master and I feel about pills and medication, I knew at that point I needed help.

The Doctor Visit

Went I got to the doctors office I was completely depressed, but calm. I people watched while I waited and took the time to breathe. For that time I didn't have to worry about packing or moving. I already felt a little better. The nurse who did the preliminary stuff was about 19. She asked me about my long-distance relationship because her long term boyfriend had just moved. After waiting a little while longer the doctor came in. I told her my situation and my symptoms and that's when she prescribed me a very low dose of Xanax which is a calming drug. It prevents anxiety and panic. As we were talking we heard a girl in the other room yell "OMG I'm Pregnant!!! I don't know what I'm going to do! I'm going to have a breakdown!"
 The doctor and I burst out in laughter and she said "At least you don't have that problem."

Moving

I tried not to think to hard for the next couple of days. Xanax definitely helped. I was calm and I felt normal for the first time in a week, but I didn't want to jinx it. Eventually we made it to the apartment on Saturday. Unpacked, went shopping, but I still had the nagging homesickness feeling. It also rained the entire time which didn't help. It took four Xanax's to make it through from Thursday to Saturday night when my parents finally said good-bye.

Adjusting

That night my Master's family was having a poker night and I wasn't ready to sleep at my apartment yet. We headed over to his house for some food and socialization. I felt okay by the time I got there. The next day we hung out with his family and I spent the night at his house again because I felt homesick most of the day. The next day he dropped me off at my apartment and I figured out that it wasn't so bad being alone. I took a really nice hot shower, did some errands, hung out with m Master and then decided to get a TV. Yes. I bought my very first 42" VIZIO TV with my Master. (Thanks M. ) Yesterday I did nearly nothing.

Identity Theft

Due to the fact that someone has been using the same SSN as mine, I have not been able to start working. That's right... I have a brand new apartment and 42" TV, but no income. Am I scared? Yes. Am I going psychotic again... thank God no. But I am angry. For Monday it was fine. Tuesday okay. Today I'm getting antsy. I'm supposed to be starting my big girl job, but I can't until this gets worked out. I have bills I need to pay now and I'm going to get bored and experience increased homesickness if I keep sitting in my apartment all day... like I am now a little. 

The main point of this post is that I'm feeling normal again. I have some homesickness, but nothing out of the ordinary. I'm not crying anymore and I'm excited that I have my own apartment. Now if only my job would start, and I could afford a few more pieces of furniture. lol

Here's to an new adventure with my Master : ) I am no longer in a LDR!!!

...It's bad...

I don't know what happened. It seems like once I really started crying I just couldn't stop. My mom and dad keep telling me to do this and everyone else says I should be soooo excited, but I havn't been able to stop crying since friday. Give or take an hour or two. I've been completely depressed and I don't know how to shake it. I want to be happy and excited. I want to be okay, but I'm not. I have this terrible gut wrenching feeling of depression and loneliness. I don't remember ever feeling this bad. If I move out on my own I know it would be good for me.

But I can't get over the feeling that somethings very wrong. I can't pack, I can't call to set up my utilities and I haven't been happy in days.

What's wrong with me?

I want to be with Him so bad, but my feelings seem to be trumping that. I don't know what to do. I wish I could just cheer up.

I guess the bottom line is that I don't want to go, but then I'm afraid of what would happen in my relationship if I don't. I have the opportunity to be with Him after 6 years finally, but I can't stop freaking crying.

I feel like I jumped track somewhere. That I took a wrong turn. My life was going smooth and I was pretty happy. And now I can't seem to shake this extreme depression.

Honim Myo - From This Moment On

Last night and this morning I had feelings of dread. I thought I was better, but now it's back.  It's like a cancer eating away at me. I'm trying to think positive. I'm trying to see the light in the darkness. I have so much going for me yet I can't get out of this mood or rid myself of negative thoughts.

I have a job in a bad job market where I'm going to learn marketable skills. 

I am in good health.

I'm moving near the man that I love and will for the rest of my life finally after 6 years of distance.

I'm 22, but I am independent and stable in my life and career. 

I have a lot of potential, although I'm not sure how to use it. 

All this is true and then this little thought claws it's way through my mind.... I'm going to miss my family, my house, my neighborhood, my friends, my dog and cat and my community. I love this place.

I haven't been happy without my Master though since he moved when we were 16 and now that that's changing I don't think I'll be happy without my family. I'm torn. My stomach literally feels that way. I wish I could  have everyone together, but isn't always as kind and as easy as that and you'd think I'd know that by now.

I have a future and I'm at a crossroads. The path I choose to go is my decision. I want help, I want to be happy, but unfortunately the only person that can make an ultimate decision is myself and I have always been bad at making decisions for myself. I'm a submissive! It's just who I am.

I have an apartment now. I just have to pack my stuff and move in which I'm finding nearly impossible to start.

I'm trying to look forward positively and with an open heart and mind, but I'll I can see is fog, dirt, a blurriness in my future. Maybe that's what scares me.

I'm going to be thinking about this term Honim Myo - From this moment on, all day today while I work. I will also be thinking of my Master's saying "It will all Work Out". Because I find relief and peace in his words. I find a calm when he talks to me.

Honim Myo - From This Moment On

A Support System Made of Steal

I went to see my Master this Monday and look for apartments. Sunday night was the last bad meltdown I had. I think I've started the "numb" stage of this whole thing or maybe I'm finally getting excited?

 This is in Two Parts. Part 1: An Update; Part 2: A Mental Update.

Part 1:

Monday morning I got up early to drive the three hours to my new community in order to sign some papers and then go look for apartments. The first place we went to look at (which sounded amazing online) looked like an oasis in the middle of poverty. We tried to enter the clubhouse, but the leasing staff had gone on a 2 hour lunch break. After driving through the complex and observing the cars and run down homes in the area Master said "I don't even want to look at those apartments. I don't want you living there." I agreed.

We moved on to another apartment complex in a different area. As soon as we started down the road where they were located, I could tell I would like the area. The community had a very family friendly upper middle class vibe with decent homes and a park on a lake down the way. The apartment complex was well manicured and huge. None of the apartments backed into a run down neighborhood or a highway. I saw signs for watch kids at play and noticed the vehicles were decent.

The clubhouse was gorgeous and the leasing agent explained that they were putting a library upstairs. Of course my eyes lite up and Master looked at me and smiled because he knows how much of a book worm I can be. We toured a renovated and renovated apartment. I fell in love with the renovated one and didn't stay in the un-renovated one for more then 2 minutes. you could smell the smoke from the last tenet and Master and I are allergic.

After looking and practically falling in love with the renovated apartment (which was perfectly in my price range), we went up the road to our favorite Greek place (which it just happened to be near). We talked about it enjoyed a meal and spent the rest of the night relaxing and *cough*cough* having fun... at his house.

The next morning I had to get up and come home.

Part 2:

Here is an update on my mental state of everything. I have now finally breached the threshold and I am more excited than full of anxiety, but it’s a 60/40 relationship. I spent yesterday in a depressive/numb state. On my way home I cried every now and then, especially when a song about home or missing something or change came on the radio.

I kind of went through the day in a daze. It felt like a mental purgatory. I didn’t know what my next emotion would be I just kind of existed. I watched a cute movie which lifted my spirits a little and went to work still in a daze. I had one table that only ordered martinis and had been there for only 45 minutes when my manager told me to go home and get some rest. Was I that zombie like? When I got home I found something else to watch until my parents got home.

I told them about the apartment and confessed that I didn’t really want to move because I would miss everyone too much. I started crying. I never never never cry in front of my parents or anyone else except for Master. Mom looked at Dad and said “This is just like what happened when she was 12.” I couldn’t help but laugh a little with tears running down my face because of the irony. If you read an earlier post of mine you’ll understand. (Post Titled: HugeChanges in 2012) I looked at Dad and said “Well you can’t teach me how to drive this time so what else are you going to do?”

Dad told me to take on baby step at a time and look at it as if I was going away to college (which I didn’t have an issues adjusting too). I had already been told this many times, and it is always hard to not think so far into the future. He told me to distract myself. Go the library, join a gym, enjoy my time with my bf, and decorate the apartment. He said that I can always come home. I went for a car ride with him to pick up my sister and after I got home I did feel a little better. We went over paper work, talked about the apartment and decided that my family would come look at it with me on Saturday and explore the area.

This morning I woke up not feeling so bad. I nearly felt normal.  Dad also started talking about how I could start investing in foreclosures and then rent them out to earn extra income. That got my brain working as well.

I just filled out the application for the apartment and I feel like I can start packing. 

As of right now I feel okay. Thinking about missing my family and friends doesn’t make me start crying which is good. I’m trying to only think of the next thing that needs to be completed and not about next week or the weeks after that. I’m focused on the moment and right now I am writing which is my safe haven from the world. 

I am content and excited about what comes next.

P.S. Thank you for the kind comments! They really do help tremendously.  

I commented on kitten for Sir's blog earlier that even inspiring words from complete strangers can change your mental outlook on things.

<3 Ellie