Control...isn't that what we are all after?

Control over...

Emotions
Weight
Homework
People
Society
Politics
War
Hunger
Poverty
Clutter
Ourselves
Dietary habits
Exercise habits
Appearance

I feel that I have control over none of these things therefore I relinquish it to Him.

Miss you <3

An annoying self-pity rant.... more for my own benifit.

This post isn't really meant for readers. I just need to rant.

1. I barley slept last night.

2. I woke up this morning thinking He was laying next to me then suddenly remembered that He isn't an I still have three more weeks until I see Him again...maybe even four with my schedule.

3.I tripped over my power cord last night and my computer went crashing to the floor. Now it won't start and I have a ton of work due in the next two weeks.... luckily I saved some files and now I am using a loner.

4. I forgot I had something due in class this morning and now I am behind.

The first day without Him is always the worst.

Oh yeah.... I have less then $40 left in my bank account and as submissive as I am I hate being financially dependent; however, this seems like something I should get used to according to my Master. 

Distraction > Wallowing

Every visit is bittersweet. I am sitting here eating Hersheys chocolate, indulging in a glass of Red Diamond Merlot and watching a funny/romantic movie about long-distance relationships all in an effort to distract myself from the fact that a I only got 2 days with Him after a 6 week absence.

What else can I do? Distraction is better then wallowing for the one-hundredth time over something out of my control. 

This weekend was amazing. Starting with the moment we saw each other. We must have been embraced in each others arms for 10 minutes before we realized that neither of us had eaten all day out of anticipation for seeing each other. So we went and had some Hibachi. YUM!

So He can be very patient as a Master. I tend to have a serious attitude problem.I know when I should and shouldn't give Him attitude. This weekend He was dead set on helping me learn when attitude is and isn't okay. Every time I snapped or talked back when unnecessary *WHAP*. Eventually I got the idea.

Let's just say there are some painful welts on my ass and I am now afraid of Italian leather belts... kinda hehe. 

Something else I realized this weekend is that there is no reason to be embarrassed for anything when I am with Him. He has seen me at my best and worst. He's been with me through every miserable hospital trip and every debilitating panic attack brought on from pain (which happened again this weekend). I get embarrassed about these things (There are some details about these moments that I am leaving out for the benefit of others). This weekend I felt embarrassed about something, but He pulled my chin up to look into His eyes and told me I have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about around Him.He said that He has always been there for me that wouldn't change. 

That means the world to me. 

Anyway, sleeping with Him Friday night was amazing. I curled up in His strong arms (yummy hehe) and we slept with our warm bodies pressed against each other. He held onto me for a good majority of the night. If He did let go, He'd eventually roll back over and hold me once again.

Our weekend was filled with laughs, sex, kinks, movies and food. Amazing.

We went to see Red Riding Hood  in which Master and I both agree there were many possible kink/S&M references. Or maybe our minds were in the gutter haha. Overall is was a pretty good movie. The music was awesome.

This weekend is over, spring break is over and now I have to get back to work. I have less then 60 days before I graduate. HOLY CRAP! it still dosn't feel really. It also means the next few weeks are gonna be hell with papers and projects. 

At least I will be distracted until I get to see Him again.

: ' (

Oh yeah and sorry to disappoint... but the nipple piercings didn't happen. We decided that we like to play with my nipples way to much to wait for them o heal, plus I would probably always be worried about them. 

Mental Helplessness.

I get into these mental states where I want to cower away from the world or revert to my 7^th grade state of mind where I was basically mute around people and went with the flow day to day. This once a month condition is completely mentally debilitating to me. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know if decisions I had made are for my benefit or if I am trying to make someone else happy. It is a very confusing time. Hints why I want to lock myself away from the world for this time period. I don’t want to make any irrational decisions or say anything to cause anger. 

I hate it.

Master struggles with this in a different way. Many times He is very good a keeping me calm, distracting me, and even bringing me out of the mental darkness. Sometimes though, He just doesn’t know what to do. Only once had He lost His temper because nothing He was attempting was getting through. I feel for Him.

Then on this side, what do I do. I feel helpless and vulnerable to my emotions. It’s like this transition of mind that happens every so often that I can’t do anything about except ride out.

Helpless.

I have noticed; however, some things that generally trigger this state of mind revolve around my relationship. I can’t pinpoint it, but I know there are triggers there. 

I was laying in bed last night and He asked “What are you thinking?” I just couldn’t speak, I couldn’t tell Him. I am not very good at voicing my feelings and thoughts. I’m not sure if it is out of embarrassment or the fact that I don’t want to plague Him with my emotions (even though He says that’s what He’s there for). All I could think was how much I couldn’t wait to blog about this because then He could read and understand. On paper it seems I can’t stop the words from flowing out; so much different then when I am speaking to someone.This is where I speak.

Today is Wednesday. I see Him Friday. Time is not going fast enough.

What a real Man is.

You know i find it ironic how Women always say they are looking for a man, yet the world has made a mans place neither suitable nor encouraged. In fact when a man acts like a real man to stand up for those lesser than he. It turns out the world we live in Actually wants BOY's whom cannot do anything less it be Vulgar, Sick, and easily lead to his own destruction and moral Corruption.

The way i feel is that all real MEN should feel. To better the world, and leave it purer that that which we were born into. Chivalry died due to society saying a man shouldn't be anymore. I say we Take it back..........

A man should never be afraid to show his lover/Girlfriend/Wife how he truly feels. Through loving and caring embraces, and long passionate kisses. A man can be both strong to the outer world and soft hearted to his woman, he should also show this side of him and never not tell her that he loves her UNCONDITIONALLY for in the world of today we love only under Conditions.

Just a few thoughts i felt like getting out hopefully some of you share my feelings in this matter.

M

Hell Week Part One (school wise) = Over!

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Piercings and Procrastination

Here’s the scoop of the week…

     

1.  Master is now contributing to my blog. I thought it would be cool for readers to see things from both our point of views. I’m also very excited because He also expresses Himself and ideas better in the form of words. If anyone has any questions you can e-mail me or Him. Also, I’m sure He’d welcome ideas since we are both growing in this life style and learning together
2. I’m doing it! I’m getting nipple piercings!!!! I am so excited, and thanks to a follower that I have befriended lately who gave me some insight (Panda's property), I am more sure now than ever that I want to really do this! I’ll be getting them done when Master comes to visit the Friday after this one. I’ll post pictures after. So excited!!!
3.  I passed my Exit exam so it’s official. I’m going to be a big girl out in the working world. That is if I pass all my classes (which is extremely likely).
4. I have a ton of work to do for school, so I will be cutting myself off from blogger and fetlife this week. I have already cut myself off from facebook. However I am still going to be checking e-mail, so I will see all comments and answer any e-mails.

Finally I think I am going to start recommendations for blogs that I really enjoy reading. My first one that I think you should check out is Panda's property - Owned,Collared,Loved. It’s a very honest account of her growth and life. It’s very similar to mine as far I have read and very enjoyable to read!

Happy Reading! 

<3 Ellie

P.S. I felt like being colorful today : )

Hello Everyone

I am Ellie's Master I am pleased to hear that you are enjoying her blog and want everyone to know that I am very proud of her, and all of her accomplishments. This is the First of many posts I will be contributing to help everyone get a picture into our lives, a sight from both angles if you will.

Sincerely,

M

Frustration

It's just not fair. I sometimes don't think Master understands how bad I not only want complete domination, but absolutely need it. NEED IT.

I really wish He would just walk through the door right now, and take my body and mind completely over right now. I need it. I am going insane. My anxiety is coming back and it scares me. When He is in control it fades into nothingness... since he has been away so long it's been slowly creeping back. And right now at this moment it is eating away at me.

What I need right now is hard, raw, domination.

When I say I need it. I am not playing around. I need it. To keep my life in balance.

or at least I need these depressed, anxiety ridden feelings to please go away... please...

I'm desperate right now...

Love Letter

Yesterday, I received a love letter in the mail from my Master. This love letter will probably be one of my most precious treasures for the rest of my life.

Everything used in the composure of this letter was classic and elegantly old fashioned. The parchment had an aged color to is and He had used actual deep purple sealing wax to seal it. In the picture above I used paint to block out my real name and write my pseudonym on top in order to keep my animosity, that's why that block looks strange.

It was written in real ink with a real quill pen. The thought and effort that is took to create such a romantic classic letter makes this my favorite and most personal gift every given to me by anyone. 

In the letter He writes how in love He has been since the day we met and the emotions He feels because we are long-distance. He uses sweet and descriptive metaphors to convey these feelings. After I had finished reading this, I declared myself the luckiest, most loved girl on the planet. I am so happy in this relationship it is unreal.

I miss Him and I love Him, I will write back.

Serane Wrap and Avocados

It's so funny. One of my closests friends is an art major... she has to wrap her body in serene wrap. She isn't a lifestyler and kinda knows I am. She doesn't really know about the D/s part nor does she understand it's a lifestyle per say. She does know that I am kinky though.

So whenever she walks in going... "I have to wrap my body in serene wrap"... I crack up. lol

Anyway... this whole diet and exercise plan thing is going awesome, and since I have finally found a successful way to eat healthy, yummy, food and exercise without deviating from my plan and feeling starved I'm thinking of writing about it. I am not sure in what form quite yet. For now my inspirations will linger on this blog.

2 Weeks ago I started an exercise plan. 3 days a week going to the gym mixing cardio with core training at 7am. Then on the weekends I am doing strength training at home. Tuesdays and Thursdays are my rest periods.

It took about a week to realize that I should probably change my diet too. So I set off on the internet searching for healthy and tasty recipes and succeeded gratefully. The first sandwich I made was a Mediterranean  Tuna Panini... it was soo good. Today I made a Havarti, Avocado and Ham Melt. It was sooooo good. Everything I read on the internet said that avocado was a good substitute for mayo. They were right. Very good for you, filling and tasty. I also eat an hard boiled egg every morning and drink green tea. I still drink soda occasionally and I still eat out, but I am more careful about what time of the day I am eating, what I choose off of fast food menus and it helps that I have an extremely useful app on my i-pod.

It's called My Fitness Planner or something like that and it tracks how many calories I eat. It's extremely accurate and helps to tell me if I am eating too much or too little and if I am getting the right amount of nutrients. What I eat for dinner depends on how many calories I have left to "spend" on my planner. On Fridays I allow myself to indulge a little and go over.. especially if I have worked hard.

In one week of implementing this new healthy schedule... I have lost a pound. : ) 130 now and 15 to go. I'm short and according to my BMI 115 is the ideal weight for me. 

+

I will look sexier the next time Master sees me ; )

P.S. I miss you Master.

I need....

My Master. 

I need Him. 

I cannot wait any longer. 

I want the domination. 

I need the control. 

Now. 

Please.

My Head is Going to Explode

1. I'm horny as hell and I haven't seen my Master in 4 weeks.
2. He just told me to stretch out my Ass with my butt plug. It hurt. But the fact that He was commanding me to do it turned me on so much.
3. I'm stressing because I have so many projects due soon.
4. My room is a mess and I have no motovation what so ever to clean it up.
5. I'm so tired and I don't know why.

I'm feeling out of control...ugh.

I went to the gym and made an awesome lunch though which has made my day okay.

This was kind of just a vent.

Productivity is Lacking

Today has not been productive nor has it felt productive.

I blame the absence of my workout this morning. No... scratch that... I blame my arguing roommates (bf & gf) that thought it necessary to stay up all night (and I mean alllllll night) yelling at eachother aboiut something stupid.

I had planned to go to the gym this morning at 6:30am and I was very excited about it too. : ( But I was kept awake alllll night.

Anyway... PRODUCTIVITY

I have a huge exit exam on Monday that I'm scared out of my mind I won't pass. If I do not pass I do not graduate.

"Do not pass go, do not collect $200"

I havn't really started studing for it yet, but it's kind of like a standardize test for my major. How do I study for that? Today I have had no motivation what so ever.

I also have a million deadlines comming up for projects, papers, presentations...ect. 

And since I have not seen my Master and we have laid off the D/s thing recently (not for any specific reason... we just havn't been doing that stuff...busy), I am starting to get bored and feel unproductive, plus I need a little "Master-Time" 

I keep dreaming and thinking about Him and his strong body walking towards me with a deviant, dangerous, dark look in his eyes. He is calm though and stern. MMMMM how I miss that.

I also miss the sweet things too. The goofiness, the kisses, the hugs, and laying in bed together. 

I miss all of it. 

I have a feeling that the lack of "Master" has lead to my feeling unproductive. We do talk all the time, but it's just not the same as seeing Him. 

Oh yeah, and I have a new rule = No Masturbating unless He is on the phone with me. 

I will gladly OBEY.