There is this side of me that I am completely ashamed and embarrassed to show to people.
I am the type of girl who hates to cry, show anger, sadness, embarrassment in public. I also like to stay in the background. Not so much that I am completely ignored, but far enough into the background where people enjoy being around me, but don’t ask questions. This semester I have done a pretty good job of achieving this. When that one person notices a look on my face or catches a glimpse of recently teary dried eyes and asks “Are you okay?” I will most usually say “Sure”, “I don’t want to talk about it”, “Yes” and then I retreat into my mind where I feel completely alone, yet at the same time I feel better knowing I am not dragging anyone into my deep dark trap of depressed feeling and emotional solitude.
Unfortunately, there is one person that I have dragged into my locked away emotional world and it’s the one person I love and care about the most. It makes me feel horrible.
I have emotional problems. I am not sure what they are and why I am plagued with them. I am aware of the triggers. The worst, of course, is when it’s “my time of the month” when everything is ultimately amplified. I feel I can blame my inherited genetics from my psycho sometimes bipolar mother, but it is also not fair to her for me to make her responsible for something that is out of our control.
All I can do is try to harness this. Try to control it and realize when I have horrible thoughts cross my mind that it will pass and I am not in the right state of mind to make rational decisions. I would lock myself in my room until it passes and try not to talk to people so that I wouldn’t lash out, do anything irrational or make a devastating mistake like breaking up with my boyfriend (which I don’t want to do at all.) The problem is life goes on rather I want it to or not. I have to go to work school and deal with people. I don’t have the ability to take a vacation of solitude.
It’s strange. It’s like every self-destroying thought and the craving to act on self-destructive actions hits me at one time. It’s like it’s not me because when I have these thoughts I more often than not and saying out loud to these thoughts while I am in tears “STOP!” “LEAVE ME ALONE!” “GO AWAY!!!” because I am fighting it.
Last night I had one of the worst spells I have had in a long time. I cannot really figure out what the trigger was. I do know that my boyfriend/Master was with me for it (he usually isn’t), and had no idea how to deal with it at this magnitude. I feel grateful that he tried to break through my uncontrollable pushing away, snapping and interrupting but then he gave up and I realized to late that I was hurting myself even more by pushing him away. I can't blame him for getting frustrated or upset.
By the end of the night he had given up, was pissed off, wouldn’t touch me, rolled over away from me and went to sleep. It made me even more upset that he wouldn’t hold me. Domino effect. My emotions feed off of that. The problem was no longer that I was just generally depressed, but that I felt wasn’t loved at the moment and that I had pushed away the one person who has always helped me. This was also the last night before he had to go back home and I wouldn’t see him again for two to three weeks. I tried to calm down and I tried to fix it, but it was too late and I laid down to sleep for the night wishing more than anything in the world that he would just roll over hold me tight and tell me everything was okay.
When we woke up this morning everything was calmer as usual after a night of rest, but the suffocating feeling of depression still loomed within me. He pulled me into Him and held me for a little while before I had to get up. I didn’t say much if anything at all. I didn’t want to push him away again like I had the previous night. I remained silent for a majority of the morning just so I could enjoy the last hour I had left with him before he was gone again. (Even as I am writing this I am tearing up) We took a little trip to sheetz and said our goodbyes there. I tried to smile and stay in good spirits, but inside I was screaming and begging for things to change, to be different, that I didn’t have these roller coaster emotions and that me and him never had to say good-bye.
The end result here is that I am utterly embarrassed and repulsed by myself. I push people away and usually it doesn’t affect me, but then I push away my best friend/boyfriend and I want to die. I love him more than anything in this world and he sacrifices so much for me only to have to deal with this mess of a girl. In the end he always tells me he loves me, tells me he cares no matter how difficult things get.
…And I know he will never ever abandon me. And after everything, for that sole reason, I still feel like I am one of the luckiest girls on earth to have someone who despite everything still loves me.
Thank You C.
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