Somthing I just realized...

I am only a submissive. 

Not yet a slave. 

I have many things to learn.

The thoughts in my Head are hard to verbally express...

Instead they come out as emotional babel and confusion. Tears and fake smiles. This is what's flowing through. This is what was going through my mind when this afternoon I tried to push your buttons so you would snap on me. I like it. I guess it's easier written then said.

This is a story.
Pain.
Pain is a complicated feeling.
There are two types of pain.
 Physical and emotional.
 Which is deeper?
Growing up in a lonely world, secluding my mind from reality, the difference between the two “pains” seemed blended and blurred together.
As I grew mutually and mentally I slowly found where the blurred twisted lines started to untangle.
Emotions are worse than physical pain.
What am I?
A scared little girl.
A masochist.
A slave.
A lover.
A girlfriend.
A leader.
A thinker.
A dreamer.
A writer.
A follower.
A wisher.
How do I put into words what I have become? Why is it I ask for pain? I poke and prode to provoke on purpose. Even though I know it’s dangerous. Even though I know I can’t handle what I am trying to bring upon myself. Is this self destruction? I complain, I bitch, I moan. I say one thing and want the opposite. Or do I want both? I want to be put in my place. I feel relief when I am. From what I am not sure. I don’t want the ability to make my own decisions. It’s too hard.
I am alone.
Who understands? I can only hope someone does. But how can I when I don’t understand myself?
I ask for it. I ask to be put down. To be smacked. To be punished. And I like it.
I want rules. I want structure and I want punishments.
It’s not sexual. It’s something different. Something I can’t explain.
I am submissive, but then I’m hesitant.
I wish I could just shut up and listen. Just do what I’m told. But I can’t. I try to provoke the consequences out to see if I can change myself. To test myself. I don’t think anything will make me change, will make me be less of a brat.  
Public humiliation? The threat is there. Do I still act out. Yes. Why? Why is it when I am faced with being humiliated do I still go on being a brat? Is it because I’m secretly wanting to see what happens? Is there a part of me that really wants to be humiliated?
Maybe I deserve it. I don’t know.
The only thing I do know, is I am hiding. I am hiding my soul and my mind from the world and no one will know me. Never truly or fully.
Sometimes I wonder. I like the pain, but do I like pain in place of something else? Do I substitute pain that another inflicts for giving myself pain?
I need a Master. My Master. I am afraid of myself. I feel safe with His words, demands, actions, and ….. I don’t know.
I need structure. I need to be put in my place. I want to be subservient. I know I want to. Why can’t I do it?
I need training and If I’m rude, I want to be corrected. If I talk back, I want to be corrected. If I am stubborn and defiant I want to be put in my place. I want to stop complaining.
Every time I think of the ball gag and why I wanted it… I wanted it because I wanted to see what would happen if I couldn’t talk back because unless I am defenseless and voiceless I don’t think I will go after what I really want.
Like I have once said…. It’s like freedom.
Freedom from the emotional pain. For once I really think I understand.
I want to be completely dominated. 100%
I know what I want. How do I get there?