Settled In... With Help From Xanax and VIZIO

Last I wrote I was torn apart; my rational thinking and ability to have a normal functioning day completely diminished. Today I feel much, much, much better.

I ended up going to the doctor after that last post because I was on a complete downward spiral and despite how my Master and I feel about pills and medication, I knew at that point I needed help.

The Doctor Visit

Went I got to the doctors office I was completely depressed, but calm. I people watched while I waited and took the time to breathe. For that time I didn't have to worry about packing or moving. I already felt a little better. The nurse who did the preliminary stuff was about 19. She asked me about my long-distance relationship because her long term boyfriend had just moved. After waiting a little while longer the doctor came in. I told her my situation and my symptoms and that's when she prescribed me a very low dose of Xanax which is a calming drug. It prevents anxiety and panic. As we were talking we heard a girl in the other room yell "OMG I'm Pregnant!!! I don't know what I'm going to do! I'm going to have a breakdown!"
 The doctor and I burst out in laughter and she said "At least you don't have that problem."

Moving

I tried not to think to hard for the next couple of days. Xanax definitely helped. I was calm and I felt normal for the first time in a week, but I didn't want to jinx it. Eventually we made it to the apartment on Saturday. Unpacked, went shopping, but I still had the nagging homesickness feeling. It also rained the entire time which didn't help. It took four Xanax's to make it through from Thursday to Saturday night when my parents finally said good-bye.

Adjusting

That night my Master's family was having a poker night and I wasn't ready to sleep at my apartment yet. We headed over to his house for some food and socialization. I felt okay by the time I got there. The next day we hung out with his family and I spent the night at his house again because I felt homesick most of the day. The next day he dropped me off at my apartment and I figured out that it wasn't so bad being alone. I took a really nice hot shower, did some errands, hung out with m Master and then decided to get a TV. Yes. I bought my very first 42" VIZIO TV with my Master. (Thanks M. ) Yesterday I did nearly nothing.

Identity Theft

Due to the fact that someone has been using the same SSN as mine, I have not been able to start working. That's right... I have a brand new apartment and 42" TV, but no income. Am I scared? Yes. Am I going psychotic again... thank God no. But I am angry. For Monday it was fine. Tuesday okay. Today I'm getting antsy. I'm supposed to be starting my big girl job, but I can't until this gets worked out. I have bills I need to pay now and I'm going to get bored and experience increased homesickness if I keep sitting in my apartment all day... like I am now a little. 

The main point of this post is that I'm feeling normal again. I have some homesickness, but nothing out of the ordinary. I'm not crying anymore and I'm excited that I have my own apartment. Now if only my job would start, and I could afford a few more pieces of furniture. lol

Here's to an new adventure with my Master : ) I am no longer in a LDR!!!

...It's bad...

I don't know what happened. It seems like once I really started crying I just couldn't stop. My mom and dad keep telling me to do this and everyone else says I should be soooo excited, but I havn't been able to stop crying since friday. Give or take an hour or two. I've been completely depressed and I don't know how to shake it. I want to be happy and excited. I want to be okay, but I'm not. I have this terrible gut wrenching feeling of depression and loneliness. I don't remember ever feeling this bad. If I move out on my own I know it would be good for me.

But I can't get over the feeling that somethings very wrong. I can't pack, I can't call to set up my utilities and I haven't been happy in days.

What's wrong with me?

I want to be with Him so bad, but my feelings seem to be trumping that. I don't know what to do. I wish I could just cheer up.

I guess the bottom line is that I don't want to go, but then I'm afraid of what would happen in my relationship if I don't. I have the opportunity to be with Him after 6 years finally, but I can't stop freaking crying.

I feel like I jumped track somewhere. That I took a wrong turn. My life was going smooth and I was pretty happy. And now I can't seem to shake this extreme depression.

Honim Myo - From This Moment On

Last night and this morning I had feelings of dread. I thought I was better, but now it's back.  It's like a cancer eating away at me. I'm trying to think positive. I'm trying to see the light in the darkness. I have so much going for me yet I can't get out of this mood or rid myself of negative thoughts.

I have a job in a bad job market where I'm going to learn marketable skills. 

I am in good health.

I'm moving near the man that I love and will for the rest of my life finally after 6 years of distance.

I'm 22, but I am independent and stable in my life and career. 

I have a lot of potential, although I'm not sure how to use it. 

All this is true and then this little thought claws it's way through my mind.... I'm going to miss my family, my house, my neighborhood, my friends, my dog and cat and my community. I love this place.

I haven't been happy without my Master though since he moved when we were 16 and now that that's changing I don't think I'll be happy without my family. I'm torn. My stomach literally feels that way. I wish I could  have everyone together, but isn't always as kind and as easy as that and you'd think I'd know that by now.

I have a future and I'm at a crossroads. The path I choose to go is my decision. I want help, I want to be happy, but unfortunately the only person that can make an ultimate decision is myself and I have always been bad at making decisions for myself. I'm a submissive! It's just who I am.

I have an apartment now. I just have to pack my stuff and move in which I'm finding nearly impossible to start.

I'm trying to look forward positively and with an open heart and mind, but I'll I can see is fog, dirt, a blurriness in my future. Maybe that's what scares me.

I'm going to be thinking about this term Honim Myo - From this moment on, all day today while I work. I will also be thinking of my Master's saying "It will all Work Out". Because I find relief and peace in his words. I find a calm when he talks to me.

Honim Myo - From This Moment On

A Support System Made of Steal

I went to see my Master this Monday and look for apartments. Sunday night was the last bad meltdown I had. I think I've started the "numb" stage of this whole thing or maybe I'm finally getting excited?

 This is in Two Parts. Part 1: An Update; Part 2: A Mental Update.

Part 1:

Monday morning I got up early to drive the three hours to my new community in order to sign some papers and then go look for apartments. The first place we went to look at (which sounded amazing online) looked like an oasis in the middle of poverty. We tried to enter the clubhouse, but the leasing staff had gone on a 2 hour lunch break. After driving through the complex and observing the cars and run down homes in the area Master said "I don't even want to look at those apartments. I don't want you living there." I agreed.

We moved on to another apartment complex in a different area. As soon as we started down the road where they were located, I could tell I would like the area. The community had a very family friendly upper middle class vibe with decent homes and a park on a lake down the way. The apartment complex was well manicured and huge. None of the apartments backed into a run down neighborhood or a highway. I saw signs for watch kids at play and noticed the vehicles were decent.

The clubhouse was gorgeous and the leasing agent explained that they were putting a library upstairs. Of course my eyes lite up and Master looked at me and smiled because he knows how much of a book worm I can be. We toured a renovated and renovated apartment. I fell in love with the renovated one and didn't stay in the un-renovated one for more then 2 minutes. you could smell the smoke from the last tenet and Master and I are allergic.

After looking and practically falling in love with the renovated apartment (which was perfectly in my price range), we went up the road to our favorite Greek place (which it just happened to be near). We talked about it enjoyed a meal and spent the rest of the night relaxing and *cough*cough* having fun... at his house.

The next morning I had to get up and come home.

Part 2:

Here is an update on my mental state of everything. I have now finally breached the threshold and I am more excited than full of anxiety, but it’s a 60/40 relationship. I spent yesterday in a depressive/numb state. On my way home I cried every now and then, especially when a song about home or missing something or change came on the radio.

I kind of went through the day in a daze. It felt like a mental purgatory. I didn’t know what my next emotion would be I just kind of existed. I watched a cute movie which lifted my spirits a little and went to work still in a daze. I had one table that only ordered martinis and had been there for only 45 minutes when my manager told me to go home and get some rest. Was I that zombie like? When I got home I found something else to watch until my parents got home.

I told them about the apartment and confessed that I didn’t really want to move because I would miss everyone too much. I started crying. I never never never cry in front of my parents or anyone else except for Master. Mom looked at Dad and said “This is just like what happened when she was 12.” I couldn’t help but laugh a little with tears running down my face because of the irony. If you read an earlier post of mine you’ll understand. (Post Titled: HugeChanges in 2012) I looked at Dad and said “Well you can’t teach me how to drive this time so what else are you going to do?”

Dad told me to take on baby step at a time and look at it as if I was going away to college (which I didn’t have an issues adjusting too). I had already been told this many times, and it is always hard to not think so far into the future. He told me to distract myself. Go the library, join a gym, enjoy my time with my bf, and decorate the apartment. He said that I can always come home. I went for a car ride with him to pick up my sister and after I got home I did feel a little better. We went over paper work, talked about the apartment and decided that my family would come look at it with me on Saturday and explore the area.

This morning I woke up not feeling so bad. I nearly felt normal.  Dad also started talking about how I could start investing in foreclosures and then rent them out to earn extra income. That got my brain working as well.

I just filled out the application for the apartment and I feel like I can start packing. 

As of right now I feel okay. Thinking about missing my family and friends doesn’t make me start crying which is good. I’m trying to only think of the next thing that needs to be completed and not about next week or the weeks after that. I’m focused on the moment and right now I am writing which is my safe haven from the world. 

I am content and excited about what comes next.

P.S. Thank you for the kind comments! They really do help tremendously.  

I commented on kitten for Sir's blog earlier that even inspiring words from complete strangers can change your mental outlook on things.

<3 Ellie

It will all work out... because we love eachother.

Day 4... I'll Be Okay?

This is going to be a quick post because I have to get ready for work.

I woke up this morning not feeling as bad. The defining silence was back, but I had no real urges to cry. The heavy chest feeling is still there though and my stomach..ugh don't get me started. Waitressing seems to help. Work helps get my mind off of things. I have friends there too so a shift is not without laughter. When I'm around people I forget unless it's my family or bf. I spent a ton of time with my family last night which was fun. Our power had gone out so there was nothing else to do but spend time together.

I feel like as long as I don't second guess this, and everyone is supportive like they have been I will be okay.

I really hate to sound like "poor me" and I hope this isn't coming off like that. Writing out what I'm really thinking helps a tremendous amount.  

I know I will be okay.

 

One of my friends just had the first guy she's ever loved move to california ... we are on the east coast. Another one of my friends has a very unsupportive family and if you count my bf's family, I have two! (Give or take a few disagreements) So many people can't even find a job like this, and have to deal with not seeing their family, but once a year.

 

I am very lucky and I feel like I just need to remember that.

Deafining Silence

This is day three waking up feeling this way. I always wake up feeling a sense of emptiness. It’s quit in my house. My brother and sister are at school and my mom and dad are at work. I haven’t seen Mom iand Dad in a few days because I’m always at work when they get home and I get home when their already in bed. It always quiet when I wake up and lately since I got this job the silence is defining. Maybe when I’m waking up next to M (that’s what I call him in public) everyday I’ll feel better. I’m not sure if it’s because I feel lonely or if I just miss them already. I like to surround myself with family usually.

All I know is that I can’t seem to shake this feeling. I’m not really crying this morning so that’s a good thing and M is trying to help me stay positive, distracted, and happy. I’ve noticed this and I’m ever so thankful for how supportive he is and how he is there for me.

I want to write a book, but I’m not sure about what. I think if I start doing this it will make me feel better. I don’t know. Writing kind of makes me feel better. That’s why I am doing it first thing this morning.

My question is how long is this going to last? My stomach has been acting up again too. First time in a long time. Probably because of how stressed I have been. I really don’t want to deal with being sick all 

the time again. So how can I keep myself happy and positive. Right now I’m trying to be positive.

It’s an adventure.

I’ll be with M finally.

It’my first big girl job.

I’ll get my own place that I can decorate and make comfy.

I’m really thinking I’m going to need a dog. Their therapeutic.

This is going to be a difficult, but exciting process.

New Years Resolutions

A more positive blog after the last one...

I've always told myself that I don't make resolutions because if I call it that I will never stick with it; however, maybe I've just been making the wrong one's?

This year I am starting a new. I am moving to a different state. I'm starting a career and hopefully soon a family.

I think since I'm am starting with a clean slate and a new life I have so many opprtuniites and advantages.

In 2011 I lost weight... not to my goal, but I did pretty well. I am eating better. I graduated from college, I got good grades, I sought out my first job by myself and won it, and I took a vacation for myself. I think I need to focus on my mental health this year.

~ I want to work on my anxiety. It's not as persistent as it was a few years ago. In fact it only shows up when big things happen in my life now. The little things don't bother me so much anymore, but I want it out of my life forever.(And these mood swings are killing me).

~ I'm moving in with my bf/Master.... finally. I want to provide a comfortable, stable and happy home with warm meals for both me and my love. After all this will be a new adventure for both of us. We are in it together. 

~ I want to write again. I want to write a lot. I miss it. It makes me feel better and it really helps to get my thoughts and emotions straight.

~ I think I'm going to start a blog that my family can read to keep in touch with them. I can post pictures and other things.

I can't really think of much else... I'm going to steal a fellow bloggers idea and surround myself with happy positive people as well as try to be more positive. It's easier to be when you are surrounded by them.

Huge Changes in 2012

This isn't a very happy post, it's really just to get my feelings out... just a forewarning. 

Like I always say, I've always been better at writing my feelings then talking about them.

When I was 12 I graduated from elementary school if you can call it graduating. For the next two weeks I found myself constantly crying and thinking about the future and growing older or growing-up. My Dad took my out to an empty parking lot and told me to get into the drivers seat. As I pressed the accelerator and then proceeded to break too hard my Dad told me that there is a lot to look forward to and that there is no reason to be upset. At 16 I get to drive, at 18 I get to go off to college, I get to travel, and at 21 I get to drink and then have my own family someday.

Sitting here on the verge of one of the biggest life changes thus far, I can’t help but think back to that. The same feelings are coming back. I ‘m 22 and all I think about is how I don’t want to grow up. I don’t want to get older. 

I got a “big girl job”. The job isn’t so glamorous, but I can’t really complain. The benefits are excellent, and there is plenty of opportunity for growth I took this job 3 hours away where my bf lives.  I’m moving out for the first time away from my entire family and all of my friends.

 I’m having trouble coping with the idea of leaving my family. I’m constantly crying, I feel sick all the time and I can’t shake the anxiety or depression. The idea of not seeing my sister through her highschool years, (She’s my best friend), not enjoying a glass of wine with my parents, and not celebrating little and great achievements at my grandmothers with the rest of my family is tearing me apart. My brother isn’t even really moving away. He is going to a school near home. It’s not really that I don’t want to move out it’s just the fact that I won’t be able to play video games with my brother or joke around with him, and I won’t be able to hang out with my sister or give my family random hug attacks like I like to do. I’m a stubborn and independent person, but I’m also very family oriented. If I move I feel like I have no family or I’ll need to start my own from the ground up.

That’s another thing that is causing such great anxiety in me. I don’t want to be in my late 20’s when I finally have children, and I don’t want to be the last to be engaged or get married. I have a fear that I’m going to have to wait a long time before I can start my own family. I guess right now it’s important to figure out what I want in life.

I’m in love with this man. I’m moving to him.

I want to be engaged.

I want kids and a family.

I want a dog.

I want a fulfilled life.

Right now… I don’t feel it and I can’t picture it. I guess that’s what’s scaring me.

I picture an apartment, kind of empty, lacking light, grey walls. The only source of happiness is that fact that I get to see my bf everyday. My family isn’t there. No pets, and all I do is work and come home.

 I can’t picture anything else. I guess it’s part of having anxiety. It’s terrible. I wish it would go away and I wish I could think normally. I’m trying, but every time I picture what makes me happy or cheers me up it’s my family and then I start getting upset again.It feels as though I'm going to die or I'm getting close to it it is one of my greatest fears. I know it's not rational to think that way though.

I know I will be fine, and I know it’s not like I’m never going to see my family again. Everyone is excited for me and I feel like I should be excited, but I’m finding it hard to get to the excitement that’s buried under these heavy feelings.

How do I stop this anxiety? How do I shake it? I feel alone. I know I'm not, but that's what anxiety does.