Broken

I can't stop crying. I loath this time of year. Everything just seems terrible. No matter how hard I try to change, make things better, be positive and happy, I'm just not. I can't ever tell if what I do is the wrong thing or right thing.

At this moment it feels like no matter what I do is the right thing. I feel terrible no matter what.

I'm broken and I always have been. Since I was young. With every life event the cuts get deeper, my soul gets torn to pieces.

I had another episode in the middle of the night. Where I get dizzy, my breath seems to be taken right out of my lungs, my hearing goes. At least I know it has something to do with stress and physical pain. This time the pain was in my chest instead of my abdomen.

Since I was little there was only one thing I wanted. A family of my own. I wanted to be a Mom. A homemaker. I am not a driven career type. I find value in the little things. Laughing, playing, a sunny day, a butterfly.

No matter how hard I try, the changes I make, this "dream" slips further and further from my grasp.

And I feel alone.

I work, I come home, I do things for everyone else. I have been wrapped up in this cycle for so long that I am lost within my own mind and have no idea what I want. - or do I?

I love someone with all my heart. I have put everything into us, including my soul. ... I don't know what else to say other then that. We play and laugh and love life together. When we are together... but we aren't.

It is obvious that I've reached my limit. I started crying yesterday and haven't stopped since.I am so broken. No matter what I do or how I think I can't stop crying.

I don't want to be alone, but then I don't want to be teetering on the edge of a false hope.

My life is destroyed. I don't want to hear..."oh your young" I hate that. I can't go back to elementary school, I can't go back to middle or high school, I can't go back to college, I can't get these days back. Those are the days when you find out who you are, when you have the opportunity to build the life you want.. I still don't know who I am and I have no one to blame but myself.

All I know is that I love someone with all my heart and everything, but the distance is tearing me apart. I don't know what to do. 6 years apart is a long time. A lot of gas, a lot of goodbyes and a lot of tears. .. a lot of amazing times.

....I did this to myself. Put in all this hope. And right now I probably sabotaging my life again like I do. Like I said... I am completely broken.

 I just don't want to feel alone.

Sorry for such a depressing post, but this is the only place I can get it out.