Wednesday, June 20, 2012

My Sanity

My mood has been absolutely all over the place and it has been completely exhausting. So, today I was bored and searching online for things to do when I came across this Sanity Test online and decided to share the results with you. This is the aftermath of everything since December. 

... and here is the link to the Sanity Test if you would like to do the test yourself. I have to say, it's pretty spot on and I'm actually pretty shocked by some of the results for instance borderline personality and OCD which apparently is more then just obsession over doing things, but an inability to control on thoughts about death. 

Your Sanity Score

125

Based upon your answers, you appear to be experiencing some distress at the moment -- your overall mental health is affected by this distress. People with similar scores tend to experience more difficulty in coping with life, and may feel like they need more help than they're currently getting. Because of this, your mental health could likely use a little boost. If you have been feeling this way for longer than 2 weeks' time, people similar to you have sought out professional care from a mental health professional, such as a psychologist, psychotherapist or psychiatrist.
(The Sanity Score is based upon a scientific algorithm with scores ranging from 0 - 288.)
Your specific subscores are below (subscales range from 0 - 100). Under the graph of subscores, you will find additional information regarding the meaning of any significant scores or areas that may be of concern.
General Coping  86
Life Events  47
Depression  84
Anxiety  41
Phobias  25
Self-Esteem  25
Eating Disorders  55
Schizophrenia  0
Dissociation  50
Mania  65
Sexual Issues  44
Relationship Issues  63
Alcohol  0
Drugs  0
Physical Issues  0
Smoking Issues  0
Gambling Issues  0
Technology Issues  38
Obsessions/Compulsions  75
Posttraumatic Stress  8
Borderline Traits  33

Your BMI: Not calculated

Your body mass index (BMI) is a measure of body fat based on height and weight that applies to both adult men and women. BMI correlates with body fat. The relation between fatness and BMI differs with age and gender. For example, women are more likely to have a higher percent of body fat than men for the same BMI. On average, older people may have more body fat than younger adults with the same BMI.
Your BMI:You may be:
Below 18.5Underweight
18.5 - 24.9Normal
25.0 - 29.9Overweight
30.0 and AboveObese
Attention! General Coping: People with similar scores as yours tend to feel overwhelmed by life or specific things in life right now. You appear to express a great degree of unhappiness with life right now, which strongly suggests a change would be helpful, such as seeking out professional help or talking to a doctor about your concerns.
Life Events: You're experiencing events in your life that may be negatively affecting your overall mental health and your ability to cope with other things in your life. This may also affect your mood.
Attention! Depression: People with scores similar to yours are typically suffering from a moderate to severe depressive episode. This is also known as clinical depression or just plain depression. People who have answered similarly to you typically qualify for a diagnosis of major depression and have sought professional treatment for this disorder.

You should not take this as a diagnosis of any sort, or a recommendation for treatment. However, if would be advisable and likely beneficial for you to seek further diagnosis from a trained mental health professional soon to rule out a possible depressive disorder.
Anxiety: People with scores similar to yours are typically experiencing some degree of anxiety, which may or may not be a concern serious enough to seek out professional help. Remember that a little anxiety in normal, everyday life is to be expected and is a good thing. Nobody should be without any anxiety whatsoever, as anxiety is our body's way of telling us that we should pay closer attention to a situation, event or person in our lives (even if that person is ourselves). Scores in this range suggests a person may be experiencing elevated levels of anxiety that may be causing some distress in an individual.

The most common anxiety disorders diagnosed are either panic disorder or generalized anxiety disorder.
Phobias: People with scores similar to yours express some irrational fears of certain specific object or situations, such as being afraid of heights, snakes, or enclosed spaces. Generally, however, most people with this level of fear simply avoid the specific objects or situations in their lives and are not bothered enough by the fears to have it interrupt their everyday lives.
Self-Esteem: People with scores similar to yours express some minor concerns with their self-esteem. Self-esteem is most often the product of our upbringing and personalities. It is something that a self-help book or psychotherapist can help a person learn to readily improve in even just a few sessions. Generally, however, most people have some minor self-esteem issues and often don't seek out assistance for this issue.
Attention! Eating Disorders: People with scores similar to yours are often diagnosed with an eating disorder, such as anorexia or bulimia. Eating disorders occur mostly in women and are due to poor self-image and self-esteem, often as a result of childhood experiences. You can read up ontreatment information for anorexia or bulimia. This is not a diagnosis, or a recommendation for treatment. However, it would be advisable and likely beneficial for you to seek additional assistance from a mental health professional who specializes in eating disorders within your community.
Your body mass index suggests you may also be underweight, which could be causing you additional stress.
Dissociation: People with scores similar to yours sometimes lose track of time, people, places or events, but not to the extent that it causes serious problems in the individual's life. You canlearn more about dissociative disorders here.
Attention! Mania & Bipolar Disorder: People with scores similar to yours often complain of symptoms commonly associated with bipolar disorder (also known as manic-depression). Bipolar disorder is characterized by a swing in moods from depression to mania (having racing thoughts, an excess of energy, inability to maintain attention, etc.). Bipolar disorder at this level can seriously interfere with a person's normal, everyday life and impair functioning in social relationships, work, school, and other areas of one's life. You can learn more about the symptoms and types of bipolar disorder here.

People who report similar levels of bipolar symptoms often benefit from professional treatment for their concern through a combination of psychotherapy and medication.
Sexual Issues: People with scores similar to yours often have a minor or moderate sexual issue that is causing them some concern.
Attention! Relationship Issues: People with scores similar to yours often complain about one or more serious relationship issues. Relationship issues at this level are often serious and can result in a relationship failing if they are not addressed by both parties (through some type of intervention, whether it be a self-help book or couple's counseling or such).
Technology Issues: People with scores similar to yours sometimes complain about having difficulty controlling their time or use of the Internet and other technologies. They may check email obsessively, or IM friends all the time. Generally, most people do not consider this a problem or issue unless it is seriously affecting your relationships with your friends, your family members, or your significant other.
Attention! Obsessions & Compulsions: People with scores similar to yours often have an obsessive-compulsive disorder. You can view symptoms and treatment options for this disorder. This is not a diagnosis, or a recommendation for treatment. However, it would be advisable and likely beneficial for you to seek a professional diagnosis from a trained mental health professional in your community at your earliest convenience.
Borderline Traits: People with scores similar to yours sometimes have a trait or two that is commonly associated with borderline personality disorder. Generally people with such traits do not seek out or need additional mental health treatment, but it is good knowledge to have.

Recommendations

Attention! You have 6 serious concerns that we've identified. Generally such concerns should be checked out with a mental health professional as soon as you can. You can find a mental health professional within your local community through your insurance provider or through an online therapist directory. Get help immediately if these concerns are overwhelming or you feel your health or safety is at risk.
You have 8 milder concerns that we've identified. Such concerns may be a part of an ordinary person's usual up's and down's in life. However, if any of these issues cause you worry or concern, please consult with your physician or a mental health professional for further information.  

I'm curious to know what other peoples results were...

<3 Ellie <3

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

"Why" is a dangerous word.

I just wrote a post on Fifty Shades of Grey and since this is a different subject, sort of, I wanted to start a separate post.

Recently I have had an issue with questioning everything M tells me to do.

M - Go get comfy. Me - Why?

M- Drink some water. Me - Why?

M - Stay here. Me - Why?

I have also discovered something else recently. The only real punishment I am truly afraid of is M's belt. I discovered this on day when I was giving him attitude and I think I pissed him off too much. He took off his belt, cornered me and smacked my ass full force. I deserved it, I cried and I had a belt shaped bruise on my ass for two weeks.

In order to avoid M getting frustrated at me for saying "why" so often I now get one belt swap on the ass every time I ask why when he tells me to do something. The other day I wracked up three. They hurt like hell and he only put about 60% behind each hit.

So I guess this is a rule that's going to stick because M certainly enjoy's it and I am asking why a whole lot less.

Fifty Shades... Bitch Please

I have finally finished the phenomenon that has become Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James. The ending isn't even an ending. I just have to that first and foremost. M is big on endings, they are either great or terrible and this story doesn't really end.

This fan fiction novel never expanded from just that. What I am reading and finding out all over the web is that people either hate or love the book. It seems there is a pattern though. vanilla's think the book is great unless they are offended by the profanity and those of us in the underground world think it's terrible, but it still turns us on a little bit... come on, admit it.

As from a BDSM stand point, the book largely relies on Christian Grey's abusive past to explain why he is the way he is. We get it already. Most of us know that for a lot of people that may be the cause of our *cough* hoobby *cough*; however, for many of us this is not the case.

It also seems like the author can't figure out a "reason" to parallel Christians reason. A.K.A...

Ana - I like this, but I don't know why....I like this, but again I don't know why.... Once again I like this, but I don't know why.

Much of the story is fluff and then sex. There isn't much character growth, and there really isn't a climax... unless you count the last few pages which is why I don't think there is an ending.

*******************************SPOILER ALERT************************************


After everything that's happened in the book.... at the very end Ana randomly decides she wants to know what its like to feel Christians full wrath after a wonderful night they had together. He brings her to his play room or what Ana calls "Christian's Red Room of Pain" and swats her multiple times with a belt very hard until she runs away from him crying. She goes home to "wallow in her grief" so to speak and that is exactly how it ends. 


*****************************SPOILER ALERT END*********************************

When the author whips out the real BDSM (no pun intended), the book is over. I would call this light kink and would use BDSM to describe the content of the book. Every scene is about sex, not BDSM. While there are many elements and terms that refer to the subject,the book isn't really about that.

My Conclusions


  • Long-story short I think there were really only two scenes that turned me on. One involved kegal balls and the one with the belt (Note to M: I know your reading this and that does not mean I want you to use your belt more. Note to Readers: I'll explain in a second.).
  • I hate Ana for her ability to come so freaking easily. I'm talking about by Christian just fondling her breasts, or with one thrust. BTW the sex scenes seemed a tad bit unrealistic and way to fast. 


  • This is the authors first book... and it is obvious. 
  • She has friends in high places to get her book without a real ending on the NY Bestsellers list. 
  • I will not continue reading the series. The ending is the way it is because even though you think the book is terrible it still makes you go "what the F*** just happened? I have to read the next one." My theory is that it end likes that for the author to sell more of her books, not for the pleasure of the reader and the sake of literary genius. 
 It's too long, unrealistic and rambles. Aside from the extremely hot, non-existent, billionaire, young dominant Christian Grey, and maybe a few of the sex scenes this book was not worth the read.

Monday, June 4, 2012

I Am Different Then I Was Before


This is a 2-Part Post
1. A Much Overdo Update
2. The United States "Fifty Shades of Grey" Obession
I know it's been a very very long time and for that I deeply apologize. The last few months have been for lack of a better word.... difficult. I realize that I have subscribers and very supportive friends through my blog and I have neglected all of you. Well I'm back, but I've changed just  a bit.
I will most likely be doing a little redecorating on my site as I have done in my life. My Boyfriend and I are still together... that certainly has not changed. 
Since February I have done a lot of soul searching; trying to figure out where I took the wrong turn in my life and through church, friends, family and my amazing supportive boyfriend (I'll call Him M from here on out) I realized I didn't exactly take a wrong turn I just really needed a wake up call that I was headed down a road I would not have been happy with....
Long-story short (read previous posts if your confused) here I am nearly 6 months later and I am returning home and, quite unfortunately also returning to a LDR. = ( However I find it a necessity to start over from scratch and start from the beginning again. We will make it work.
I have grown from this experience, but I am not upset to leave it behind. It's very difficult to make bills with a low paying job you never intended to have in the fist place and living on your own for the first time in a strange city.
M and I have let lose on all the D/s stuff just because I think we've been a bit distracted by everything going on and also because of my stress levels, but I'm sure it'll make a major come back. Now that I'm moving home I can relax a little which leads me to something strange happening in the USA that I just recently noticed......
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY
I've been involved in BDSM for 8 years now as a sub and now my I'm all excited/quizzical about the new phenomenon that is fifty shades of grey.
HOW IN THE HELL DID AN AVERAGE EROTICA MAKE IT MAINSTREAM?
My world has turned inside out and I'm very confused.
1. The author probably had a million friends in high places.
2. This series reads like every other erotica I own. It's nothing too special. ( Don't get me wrong I am enjoying the read and loving Christian just like everyone else...)
3. How did it go mainstream and make bestsellers lists?
4. Does this mean I can come out of the kink closet sometime in the future so to speak.
5. I helped an elderly women find it at barnes and noble today... I'll repeat and clarify... a group of elderly grandmother type women.
6. Everyone is now going to know the meaning of the term vanilla which kinda of takes away the fun for me trying to figure out if a person is infact into BDSM.
7. My friends and god-sisters (ages 23, 18) are posting pictures of them reading is on facebook and their on the third book....this is becoming a little awkward now they know what I do.
8. I hope to God my little sister doesn't read it nor my Dad because he may be reminded of a note he found when I was 15 and I really don't want to go there again.
9. Are people saying that my relationship is okay now? Or is everyone still in denial and only looking at this book as a taboo fun fantasy read?
So many thoughts running through my head. This used to be an underground life-style, but now... the book is being discussed on TV, in newspapers on the radio.... and now everyone is aware that this world of Dominants and their submissives exists.
So many Adult stores are reporting increased sales of 99% ... I liked the paranormal before that was a fad and got made fun for it and I was into BDSM before this book came out hiding my lifestyle from so many... is this the next fad? the next few years of culture are going to be very entertaining thanks to this book and major figures such as Rhianna and her S&M song.
I never in a million years expected this.
~ Ellie <3
P.S. It's good to be back : )


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