Life goes on...

It nearly New Year's. Time to make those New Year's resolutions once again. The question is... can we actually
stick to them? What the secret to keeping up our own goals? I think about 95% of the human population gives up on their New Years resolutions.

I think what I am going to do is not make a list of New Years resolutions, but a sort of bucket list for the upcoming year of everything I want to acomplish. I have a feeling that this commning year is going to be the most eventful, exciting year yet.

When I come up with my list I will post it on my blogger and share it. Like I said these are not goals to stick to or discipline myself to stick to, but things I want to accomplish. I think they are more likely to happen if I look at it that way.

On another note I had a bad dream the other night that made me miss my Master terribly.

It also made me feel terribly  guilty. 

I was in a grocery store. I know it sounds sort of dumb and weird, but dreams usually are. In my dream this guy showed up. (In reality I know this guy from high school and we have a sort of history, but that has long since been over.) In my dream however I was very excited to see him. Then Master showed up. He saw us and chased us around the store and I kept trying to hide from him. Then a little girl appeared to me. I know she was representing my conscious or my Masters, but I am not sure which. She said "If you keep running from me then why don't we just take a break." I wasn't paying attention really because I was search for both the guys whom at the time had disappeared. I said to the little girl "Sure, yeah whatever." and now that I think about it the heartless tone of my voice scared me. Then I realized I felt different. Like all of a sudden half of me was missing. When I realized this I started searching for Master. Then I knew, he was out of my life. That I could never touch him or talk to him or have him hold me or be there for me when I was upset.

I woke up crying. And I kept crying, for about an hour. Emotional nightmares are the worst.

It took me until half way through writing this post to realize what this dream really was about.

I made a mistake back in high school with this guy. I had let myself start to fall for him in the absence of my Master, due to long-distance. I was a naive and vulnerable teen. I was worried that this dream was telling me that even after three years I still had feelings for him. I thought this dream was trying to tell me something about my present, but I realized this dream was about closure.

I had this dream because there was a lingering feeling of guilt of what I had done and how I hurt my Master. I had this dream because it was telling me the basic emotional story of what had happened. It started with me playing with fire, trying to hide it from someone I love, hurting them and then regretting it greatly in the end by realizing what I have is more wonderful then anything. I understand the emotions now. I understand that its all over now.  

That I should not feel guilty because my emotions are in the right place. I am desperately, unequivocally, in love with my Master and do not desire anyone else. 

I can thank my Master for helping me understand all this. For letting me be honest and open about everything on my mind, good or bad, involving him or not, and not getting angry, frustrated or mad at me. I think that's a big key to a D/s relationship. Trust, compassion, understanding and patience. 

I am ready to move forward in my life with my Master. I am ready to leave all my mistakes, emotional tramas in the past.

This coming year I am changing. My personality, my life, everything. I am very excited and I am welcoming this change with open arms. I am already more confident and emotionally healthy then I have been in my past. So I say with total excitement to see what's next... life goes on.

Quick Little Post

To answer a comment someone left... my Master and I live in different states with our parents and I also attend separate colleges. So either way it is long-distance unfortunately.

Also I am happy to hear that we aren't the only couple that started early and grew into this sort of relationship together. I feel like those kind are very very strong, which is another reason I believe we can deal with this distance.

Sooooooo Christmas is coming!!! Whose excited???!!! I am!

I am a Sim 3 addict and I can't wait to get my hands on that latest expansion pack!!! I just wanted to share that haha.

I apologize for this post being a short one. I just don't have very much to write. I do have on thing.

So my Master basically owns a million airsoft guns. If you don't know what airsoft guns are, they are basically bb guns that shoot plastic balls. He discovered this weekend that is a good form of punishment using me as target practice. It definitely gets my attention... Also he has taken a liking to using the belt on me though I must admit it makes a beautiful "snap" as it hits.

I am His, and I love it.

I haven't written a lot within the past few days and I apologize for that. Time has just gotten away from me.

I am currently sitting in my Masters bedroom waiting for Him. I came to visit Him this weekend. I know I have probably explained this before, but I will explain our relationship again just for kicks.

My Master and I met when he was 16 and I was 15. Our relationship didn't start out as such, but it grew into a D/s relationship over the years as we learned, experienced and came to understand how our personalities seemed to fit like puzzle pieces. He moved at some point during our relationship and as we were kids at the time there was nothing we could do about it. Five years later here I am. Sitting in his bedroom. Waiting for Him to get home from where he has gone.

Anyway, we have been spending every wonderful moment together, laughing, smiling and even in some cases sharing thoughts that have been on our minds.

Today, however, I was not very good. I teased Him. A lot. Even if I didn't really think about what I was doing it drove Him mad. So I really got it. He pinched my nipples, spanked me, grabbed my breasts hard, used the belt on me and had His way with me. I love when He is in this mood. Calm, serene, authoritative, demanding, stern, loving, passionate, and thoughtful.

I have slept in His bed every night and I am going to miss dearly having His arms wrapped around me every night after I leave tomorrow. At this point I believe there is only about a year and half between the end of the distance.

I can picture us living together easily. I can picture obeying Him and living by His rules 24/7 which is exactly what I want. It's hard to do long-distance though, which is why I am soaking up every last "I'm a dominated little slut" second that I can.

While he has been gone I have been instructed to do school work which is what I am doing right after I am done writing.

My Master does read my blog and so all I have to say directly to Him is... 

I miss you already.

Snow and Ethics

I have to make this kind of quick because Master just told me to start working on my homework.... so...

I didn't write for the past two days because time got away from me and I have felt naked (in the weird awkward worst nightmare standing in front of your peers sort of way) without writing in my blog. Probably because I have become accustomed to it.

Anyway I have started my winter class. It is ethics. After reading the first assignment it got me thinking.

What are the ethics behind having or being a slave? Or I should say consensual slave. Are there any laws that say it's illegal? Is it legal, yet unethical? I am curious to know what others think. Since I have to make this quick I will write later on my opinion of the subject.

The second thing I wanted to say is .... straight B's!!!!!!!!! My semester from hell ended in straight B's! It's not my best, but for this semester being the roughest one yet I am pretty proud of myself.

The third thing is it snowed this morning and I was totally not expecting it! I was an hour away from school. I left about two hours before class and made it with about 2 minutes to spare. Ice and snow covered the roads and these were back roads. Scary drive.

The last thing before I start work, my teacher in class pulled a boondock saints, if you have ever seen the move.  She said "he smokes like a fish" When she meant to say "he drinks like a fish"

I'm Done!

Today sucked. I barley got through my last two exams, crawling would be the right term to describe it. My brain is mush, my head hurts, my body aches, I am emotionally and mentally exhausted and overly stressed. To bad my Master lives 200 miles away. I could really use a good session right now.

My plans for this winter are as follows:

Master

Waitress

Online Class

Xbox 360

I will not do anything else. I refuse. I pushed myself way too hard this semester and I will never do that again. 18 credit hours was too much even for an overachiever like me. My Master probably won't allow me to do this to myself again anyway. He told me at the beginning of  this semester I wasn't allowed to join anymore organizations. I'm really glad I didn't.

Right now I am just gonna play my xbox360 all night.

Finally I can relax.....good-bye to the worst semester of my life.

Last day of Exams!!!

I am scared out of my mind that I won't do well. I can't wait until this day is over. What happens when your best is not enough? Anyway I'm sitting here at our apartments round dinning table with papers spread all over hoping that the information will seep into my mind. My final, that I'm worried about is two hours from now. All I can do is pray.

Also!!! I am very excited I have followers. This gives me a reason to write more and write well. : )

This day marks the beginning of the end for my school career. One more semester and then life awaits.

Master always say it will all work out. I really hope it does.

Wish me luck!!!! I need it!

I don't like to talk sometimes...

It's just easier. I'm not sure why. When I am feeling upset, depressed, hurt, scared, alone etc... I all of a sudden have the sudden urge to stay quiet. I don't want to open my mouth. It becomes hard to, but it calms me.

Which is probably why I enjoy writing so much. When I'm writing I don't have to talk. My thoughts land straight from my head onto the paper. I miss writing. It is so much simpler then anything that I have been doing or thinking about lately. I have probably written more words in my life then I have actually spoke and for some reason this makes me feel better.

It's really hard for me to talk about my emotions and how I feel. It's easier to write it. 

I am tired and worn out emotionally, mentally and physically. I have been sleeping till 11 (that's late for me) every chance I have gotten. So basically I have been sleeping about 11-12 hours everyday and still when I wake up I want to just roll back over and go to sleep. I want to slip away from the world. That's all I have wanted to do lately. My blackout curtains cover the window so it is constantly dark in my room. I am always tired and cold. I am extremely stressed with everything going on in my life.

There are things that really really bother me that I bury. My friends and people I love keep telling me that it's not healthy to bury your emotions, but I don't know another way to deal with them. Then I was laying in my bed just now thinking that I do know a way to deal. Write.

My Dream Last Night

I had a dream last night. In part of the dream I had babies. I don't know if they were mine or someone elses, but I was responsible for taking care of them. They were sort of like doll babies, the kind I played with when I was a little girl. Also in my household we got a new cat. Her name was Grey, but my cat Thera was running around the house too. I felt guilty that I had a new cat when I had Thera. Eventully in my dream I ended up having to rush somewhere. I grabbed all of the "baby dolls" and took them with me to catch my school bus for some reason. (I know this doesn't make any sense, but it's a dream.) I was worried that I would miss my school bus home. The bus loop was out front of my elementary school. When I got out there I realized that I had missed my bus, but my home was only a block away (which was true where I used to live) so I could walk home. Then I woke up.

When I woke up the first thing I thought about was my cat. I don't want to sound like some crazy person obsessed with their pet, but I need to get this out.

Thera was my short hair American mix Russian blue cat. I used to hate cats. I was a dog person and still for the most part am, but then this cat came into my life. I had gone to a neighbors home where she had stables for horses and such. Her farell cats had had kittens. The only kitten that would play with me was the only little grey one. All the others were darker and or striped. They all went as far back into the cage that they could. Not Thera. Thera played with me and fell asleep in my lap.

I brought her home and my sister picked out a cat as well. I took care of Thera in my room until she was old enough to introduce her to our papillion. (dog) She came to have a personality very much like my own. She came to me when I called her, when I was upset she would always purr and nuzzle me even if I didn't show signs I was. Whenever I took naps on the couch she would curl up next to me. At night she would always let me know that I should probably get to bed and then she would sleep on the pillow next to me. In a family where there isn't a lot of emotional bonding this cat was for the most part my best friend.

I went away to college a few years ago. My siblings would tell me how she would lay outside my door all hours of the day and if she got in my room she would go under the bed and not come out. I came back home on my 21st birthday a few weeks ago. The place was decorated, there were three bottles of red wine on the table and I saw my sisters cat and looked around for Thera. I figured she come out eventually. I talked and laughed with my sister and mom for a little and then she told me.

The previous week Thera had gotten outside and was killed by a pack of hunting dogs...

That was the worst. I didn't cry a whole lot. I wouldn't do that. I didn't want to make my family feel bad for me. So I shed a few tears and started doing whatever I could to distract myself. I put on a happy face and tried to move on.

I cried my self to sleep every night that week. I herd things in my room that sounded like Thera moving around. I kept thinking I felt her jump on my bed. I realized that I was very alone in this family once again. There is nothing in this world that can make you feel more loved, wanted and trusted then a pet. I miss her very very very much and I am still very upset about her death. I only got three years with her.

It almost seems stupid to get so upset over a pet, but this is one of those things I have buried down. She was my best friend, now my house feels empty.

I am emotionally and mentally exhausted from countless other things. Exams being a major one right now. There must be something wrong with me if I am still stressing and my own father (who is a Nazi about grades) says that its ok if I don't do well this semester. I think my parents are actually concerned about me being stressed. Idk.

I'm ready for it to be over. When is the life that I want going to begin? When am I going to be settled and happy? Will it ever happen? I'm kind of losing hope.

First Day of Exams = One Big Fail

Fail Number 1: My car was covered in ice this morning and I hit every stop light and crosswalk on the way to school so I was late to my first exam.

Fail Number 2: I got a 60 on my final Spanish test I will ever take after taking six years of Spanish and thoroughly preparing for it.

Fail Number 3: My teacher decided he would give us a cumulative final with 20 multiple choice questions and 9 essay questions, but he thinks that 100 question multiple choice quizzes are appropriate....

Fail Number 4:Verizon decided it didn't want to work for it's customers so people all over with Verizon are without/receiving crappy service even with 5 bars....yet somehow no one in the media or news world thinks this is a big story...

On a funnier note this news story made my day...

This man shoot his fiance by accident with a shot gun at their engagement party and then crashes driving her to the hospital. 

"TULSA, OK (CNN) - Oklahoma police said an intoxicated man shot his fiancee at their engagement party and then injured her in a car crash.
Police said the Monday night shooting in Tulsa was an accident that was fueled by alcohol.
They said the groom-to-be appeared to have been drunk when he started playing with a shotgun.
The gun accidentally went off, police said, and the man attempted to rush his future bride to the hospital.
That's when the evening took another turn for the worse. According to police, the groom crashed into another car on his way to the emergency room.
Police said both the man and the woman were taken to the hospital.
The groom-to-be is now likely to face criminal charges."

.... but Verizon's service crashing isn't news enough... 

Mr. Self-Destruct -NIN

I like these lyrics...

"Mr Self Destruct"

I am the voice inside your head
and I control you
I am the lover in your bed
and I control you
I am the sex that you provide
and I control you
I am the hate you try to hide
and I control you
I take you where you want to go
I give you all you need to know
I drag you down I use you up
Mr. Self-destruct
I speak religion's message clear
and I control you
I am denial guilt and fear
and I control you
I am the prayers of the naive
and I control you
I am the lie that you believe
and I control you
I take you where you want to go
I give you all you need to know
I drag you down I use you up
Mr. Self-destruct
I am the needle in your vein
and I control you
I am the high you can't sustain
and I control you
I am the pusher I'm a whore
and I control you
I am the need you have for more
and I control you
I am the bullet in the gun
and I control you
I am the truth from which you run
and I control you
I am the silencing machine
and I control you
I am the end of all your dreams
and I control you
I take you where you want to go
I give you all you need to know
I drag you down I use you up
Mr. Self-destruct  

P.S. starting to have trouble concentrating on studying for exams... ugh

I just need this time...

I have to take this time to vent. The end of school is drawing to a close and I cannot for the life of me keep concentrating. I am having the hardest time in this world trying to concentrate. I am a finance major... why I choose this path when it least matches my personality I don't know. It really bugs me now and days that I did exactly what I grew up telling myself I wouldn't. Choose the path or money and not happiness. Why did I not choose to teach kindergartners?  Or study psychology (I have countless research ideas) or actually sit down and have the nerve to write a novel which I know I am fully capable of. What is this? Some sort of young adult crises? I find that I am regretting most of if not all of my life's decisions. The minute I graduate I want that to change. I want to do what makes me happy. Screw everyone else. Screw society.  

I will not be another sheep, another drone. 
I absolutely refuse.

I also wanted to post something that my loving man had wrote to me in an online conversation. I don't know why, but these words stuck with me. They were full of something... passion perhaps?

C:  (9:35 PM)

my little sub needs to be taught who is her master

C:  (9:35 PM) 

for to long I have been lenient on you, No longer

C:  (9:35 PM) 

your chains are in my hands

C:  (9:38 PM) 

your life at my finger tips

C:  (9:38 PM) 

your soul in my heart

C:  (9:38 PM) 

and my mind in yours

Every time I read this it makes me melt.I don't know why. Maybe because it has a lot of strength, trust, and passion? I'm not sure. I guess in these few words you can see the story of my life. 

My desperite need for some control, the bond, love and companionship me and him share, my devotion to something that is 100% me and that I am passionate about, where I get my strength confidence and comfort. I get confused and lost sometimes. My emotions have their own ways. 

I feel I cannot control them at times. I can't control my life either. What is left?

Some people turn to drink, some to drugs, some to ignorant sexual rampages, some to eating disorders, some harm themselves... so is it not plausible to say that the way I handle my stresses is healthier by putting my life, body and soul into someone elses hands? A third party who can observe and advise? Someone who cares for my health (physically and mentally) and safety?

And when that person that holds the key to everything you are says everything is going to be okay... this wave comes over you and then you know it will be. 

P.S. We are coming up on our 5th anniversary. We met when I was just 15. I am 21 now. Wow.