I'm going camping today. I get to wear my cute new workout gear I got from Dick's and hang out with some awesome kids and other people, escape from the life i know fora day. I can breath...sort of.
Once upon a time he told me he doesn't like weakness and I had this constant fear in the back of my mind that one day he would give up on me.Last night he nearly did.
After all these years of hoping, and loving and caring for one another. After all the rpomises, adventures and dreams we've shared, after my full trust and soul I have handed over to him on a platter, he said he doens't think he can do this anymore. A punch in the stomach, from the only person I trust in this world, from the only person I though I could trust.
I've had a rough week. I got in the car yesterday thinking how much I miss him and the weight of him moving cam crushing down on me. I called him after three attepmts with a malfunctioning phone, and frustrated I said things I didn't really mean. We didn't talk much on the phone and then I said I don't feel the love right now even though I know he loves me. I started getting upset. I was thinking how jealous I am of his family and close they are. How I always wished my family was like that. I was thinking how I am always going to come second and never be on the same level as his family. It kinda hurts. He's always my first. In the past couple of days I've been thinking about what life on a base is going to be like, living with our dog and him and getting excited about it.marriage sometime while hes in tech school or after and I got so excited.
I had a moment of weakness that I let show through yesterday. I thought I could around him. It was because I miss him. and he got mad, frustraited. I apologized, I admitted my guilt and that I was wrong for saying those things. He said I was selfish, that I demand all his time, money and energy.
...and I'm sorry.
I feel betrayed and heart broken. My worst nightmare nearly came true. I go to him because hes the only person that understands me. I hope that's still true. This morning I feel alone.
I had a dream that I was in a war torn foreign country and he drove off in his car leaving me behind.
I miss him so bad. He's my best friend, and gaurdian angel. He has shown me God, hope and happiness, but then his words last night pierced through my heart.
This morning I am going to go camping and have fun. I can't wait because I know I will enjoy it, but as always I'll be wishing he was with me, laughing, having adventures and crazy things happen to us, but it's going to feel diffrent because in the back of my head, I'm not sure he feels the same way about me anymore.
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