Huge Changes in 2012

This isn't a very happy post, it's really just to get my feelings out... just a forewarning. 

Like I always say, I've always been better at writing my feelings then talking about them.

When I was 12 I graduated from elementary school if you can call it graduating. For the next two weeks I found myself constantly crying and thinking about the future and growing older or growing-up. My Dad took my out to an empty parking lot and told me to get into the drivers seat. As I pressed the accelerator and then proceeded to break too hard my Dad told me that there is a lot to look forward to and that there is no reason to be upset. At 16 I get to drive, at 18 I get to go off to college, I get to travel, and at 21 I get to drink and then have my own family someday.

Sitting here on the verge of one of the biggest life changes thus far, I can’t help but think back to that. The same feelings are coming back. I ‘m 22 and all I think about is how I don’t want to grow up. I don’t want to get older. 

I got a “big girl job”. The job isn’t so glamorous, but I can’t really complain. The benefits are excellent, and there is plenty of opportunity for growth I took this job 3 hours away where my bf lives.  I’m moving out for the first time away from my entire family and all of my friends.

 I’m having trouble coping with the idea of leaving my family. I’m constantly crying, I feel sick all the time and I can’t shake the anxiety or depression. The idea of not seeing my sister through her highschool years, (She’s my best friend), not enjoying a glass of wine with my parents, and not celebrating little and great achievements at my grandmothers with the rest of my family is tearing me apart. My brother isn’t even really moving away. He is going to a school near home. It’s not really that I don’t want to move out it’s just the fact that I won’t be able to play video games with my brother or joke around with him, and I won’t be able to hang out with my sister or give my family random hug attacks like I like to do. I’m a stubborn and independent person, but I’m also very family oriented. If I move I feel like I have no family or I’ll need to start my own from the ground up.

That’s another thing that is causing such great anxiety in me. I don’t want to be in my late 20’s when I finally have children, and I don’t want to be the last to be engaged or get married. I have a fear that I’m going to have to wait a long time before I can start my own family. I guess right now it’s important to figure out what I want in life.

I’m in love with this man. I’m moving to him.

I want to be engaged.

I want kids and a family.

I want a dog.

I want a fulfilled life.

Right now… I don’t feel it and I can’t picture it. I guess that’s what’s scaring me.

I picture an apartment, kind of empty, lacking light, grey walls. The only source of happiness is that fact that I get to see my bf everyday. My family isn’t there. No pets, and all I do is work and come home.

 I can’t picture anything else. I guess it’s part of having anxiety. It’s terrible. I wish it would go away and I wish I could think normally. I’m trying, but every time I picture what makes me happy or cheers me up it’s my family and then I start getting upset again.It feels as though I'm going to die or I'm getting close to it it is one of my greatest fears. I know it's not rational to think that way though.

I know I will be fine, and I know it’s not like I’m never going to see my family again. Everyone is excited for me and I feel like I should be excited, but I’m finding it hard to get to the excitement that’s buried under these heavy feelings.

How do I stop this anxiety? How do I shake it? I feel alone. I know I'm not, but that's what anxiety does.