Mental Helplessness.

I get into these mental states where I want to cower away from the world or revert to my 7^th grade state of mind where I was basically mute around people and went with the flow day to day. This once a month condition is completely mentally debilitating to me. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know if decisions I had made are for my benefit or if I am trying to make someone else happy. It is a very confusing time. Hints why I want to lock myself away from the world for this time period. I don’t want to make any irrational decisions or say anything to cause anger. 

I hate it.

Master struggles with this in a different way. Many times He is very good a keeping me calm, distracting me, and even bringing me out of the mental darkness. Sometimes though, He just doesn’t know what to do. Only once had He lost His temper because nothing He was attempting was getting through. I feel for Him.

Then on this side, what do I do. I feel helpless and vulnerable to my emotions. It’s like this transition of mind that happens every so often that I can’t do anything about except ride out.

Helpless.

I have noticed; however, some things that generally trigger this state of mind revolve around my relationship. I can’t pinpoint it, but I know there are triggers there. 

I was laying in bed last night and He asked “What are you thinking?” I just couldn’t speak, I couldn’t tell Him. I am not very good at voicing my feelings and thoughts. I’m not sure if it is out of embarrassment or the fact that I don’t want to plague Him with my emotions (even though He says that’s what He’s there for). All I could think was how much I couldn’t wait to blog about this because then He could read and understand. On paper it seems I can’t stop the words from flowing out; so much different then when I am speaking to someone.This is where I speak.

Today is Wednesday. I see Him Friday. Time is not going fast enough.