stick to them? What the secret to keeping up our own goals? I think about 95% of the human population gives up on their New Years resolutions.
I think what I am going to do is not make a list of New Years resolutions, but a sort of bucket list for the upcoming year of everything I want to acomplish. I have a feeling that this commning year is going to be the most eventful, exciting year yet.
When I come up with my list I will post it on my blogger and share it. Like I said these are not goals to stick to or discipline myself to stick to, but things I want to accomplish. I think they are more likely to happen if I look at it that way.
On another note I had a bad dream the other night that made me miss my Master terribly.
It also made me feel terribly guilty.
I was in a grocery store. I know it sounds sort of dumb and weird, but dreams usually are. In my dream this guy showed up. (In reality I know this guy from high school and we have a sort of history, but that has long since been over.) In my dream however I was very excited to see him. Then Master showed up. He saw us and chased us around the store and I kept trying to hide from him. Then a little girl appeared to me. I know she was representing my conscious or my Masters, but I am not sure which. She said "If you keep running from me then why don't we just take a break." I wasn't paying attention really because I was search for both the guys whom at the time had disappeared. I said to the little girl "Sure, yeah whatever." and now that I think about it the heartless tone of my voice scared me. Then I realized I felt different. Like all of a sudden half of me was missing. When I realized this I started searching for Master. Then I knew, he was out of my life. That I could never touch him or talk to him or have him hold me or be there for me when I was upset.
I woke up crying. And I kept crying, for about an hour. Emotional nightmares are the worst.
It took me until half way through writing this post to realize what this dream really was about.
I made a mistake back in high school with this guy. I had let myself start to fall for him in the absence of my Master, due to long-distance. I was a naive and vulnerable teen. I was worried that this dream was telling me that even after three years I still had feelings for him. I thought this dream was trying to tell me something about my present, but I realized this dream was about closure.
I had this dream because there was a lingering feeling of guilt of what I had done and how I hurt my Master. I had this dream because it was telling me the basic emotional story of what had happened. It started with me playing with fire, trying to hide it from someone I love, hurting them and then regretting it greatly in the end by realizing what I have is more wonderful then anything. I understand the emotions now. I understand that its all over now.
That I should not feel guilty because my emotions are in the right place. I am desperately, unequivocally, in love with my Master and do not desire anyone else.
I can thank my Master for helping me understand all this. For letting me be honest and open about everything on my mind, good or bad, involving him or not, and not getting angry, frustrated or mad at me. I think that's a big key to a D/s relationship. Trust, compassion, understanding and patience.
I am ready to move forward in my life with my Master. I am ready to leave all my mistakes, emotional tramas in the past.
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