I don't like to talk sometimes...

It's just easier. I'm not sure why. When I am feeling upset, depressed, hurt, scared, alone etc... I all of a sudden have the sudden urge to stay quiet. I don't want to open my mouth. It becomes hard to, but it calms me.

Which is probably why I enjoy writing so much. When I'm writing I don't have to talk. My thoughts land straight from my head onto the paper. I miss writing. It is so much simpler then anything that I have been doing or thinking about lately. I have probably written more words in my life then I have actually spoke and for some reason this makes me feel better.

It's really hard for me to talk about my emotions and how I feel. It's easier to write it. 

I am tired and worn out emotionally, mentally and physically. I have been sleeping till 11 (that's late for me) every chance I have gotten. So basically I have been sleeping about 11-12 hours everyday and still when I wake up I want to just roll back over and go to sleep. I want to slip away from the world. That's all I have wanted to do lately. My blackout curtains cover the window so it is constantly dark in my room. I am always tired and cold. I am extremely stressed with everything going on in my life.

There are things that really really bother me that I bury. My friends and people I love keep telling me that it's not healthy to bury your emotions, but I don't know another way to deal with them. Then I was laying in my bed just now thinking that I do know a way to deal. Write.

My Dream Last Night

I had a dream last night. In part of the dream I had babies. I don't know if they were mine or someone elses, but I was responsible for taking care of them. They were sort of like doll babies, the kind I played with when I was a little girl. Also in my household we got a new cat. Her name was Grey, but my cat Thera was running around the house too. I felt guilty that I had a new cat when I had Thera. Eventully in my dream I ended up having to rush somewhere. I grabbed all of the "baby dolls" and took them with me to catch my school bus for some reason. (I know this doesn't make any sense, but it's a dream.) I was worried that I would miss my school bus home. The bus loop was out front of my elementary school. When I got out there I realized that I had missed my bus, but my home was only a block away (which was true where I used to live) so I could walk home. Then I woke up.

When I woke up the first thing I thought about was my cat. I don't want to sound like some crazy person obsessed with their pet, but I need to get this out.

Thera was my short hair American mix Russian blue cat. I used to hate cats. I was a dog person and still for the most part am, but then this cat came into my life. I had gone to a neighbors home where she had stables for horses and such. Her farell cats had had kittens. The only kitten that would play with me was the only little grey one. All the others were darker and or striped. They all went as far back into the cage that they could. Not Thera. Thera played with me and fell asleep in my lap.

I brought her home and my sister picked out a cat as well. I took care of Thera in my room until she was old enough to introduce her to our papillion. (dog) She came to have a personality very much like my own. She came to me when I called her, when I was upset she would always purr and nuzzle me even if I didn't show signs I was. Whenever I took naps on the couch she would curl up next to me. At night she would always let me know that I should probably get to bed and then she would sleep on the pillow next to me. In a family where there isn't a lot of emotional bonding this cat was for the most part my best friend.

I went away to college a few years ago. My siblings would tell me how she would lay outside my door all hours of the day and if she got in my room she would go under the bed and not come out. I came back home on my 21st birthday a few weeks ago. The place was decorated, there were three bottles of red wine on the table and I saw my sisters cat and looked around for Thera. I figured she come out eventually. I talked and laughed with my sister and mom for a little and then she told me.

The previous week Thera had gotten outside and was killed by a pack of hunting dogs...

That was the worst. I didn't cry a whole lot. I wouldn't do that. I didn't want to make my family feel bad for me. So I shed a few tears and started doing whatever I could to distract myself. I put on a happy face and tried to move on.

I cried my self to sleep every night that week. I herd things in my room that sounded like Thera moving around. I kept thinking I felt her jump on my bed. I realized that I was very alone in this family once again. There is nothing in this world that can make you feel more loved, wanted and trusted then a pet. I miss her very very very much and I am still very upset about her death. I only got three years with her.

It almost seems stupid to get so upset over a pet, but this is one of those things I have buried down. She was my best friend, now my house feels empty.

I am emotionally and mentally exhausted from countless other things. Exams being a major one right now. There must be something wrong with me if I am still stressing and my own father (who is a Nazi about grades) says that its ok if I don't do well this semester. I think my parents are actually concerned about me being stressed. Idk.

I'm ready for it to be over. When is the life that I want going to begin? When am I going to be settled and happy? Will it ever happen? I'm kind of losing hope.