I love love. It is

I love love. It is the most amazing sensation to be in love or to witness the glow surrounding those in love.

My Brain Is Working Again

Today, for once in a long time, I felt intelligent and realized what had been causing me to feel like I was becoming dumber and dumber for the past three years since high school… classroom discussion. Every time I have an intellectual classroom discussion I feel my critical thinking skills, ideas and opinions flowing through my brain. I am able to articulate better and I’m wondering if active classroom discussion stimulates a part of the brain?

I realized this morning when, because of our delay of school, my teacher decided to have a classroom discussion about topics and issues surrounding University dealings so that we would not stray ahead of the other section/class. After having intellectual conversations, debating back and forth, and coming up with visions, strategies and objectives, I suddenly feel like my brain is working again.

Snow and My New Toy

Generally when huge weather fronts come through, I am useless. I am tired, moody and don't want to work, but today was different. For some reason I was totally relaxed. The rain and cold that had been falling steadily all day turned in to a beautiful and quiet snow storm by the after noon.

Now what is a kinkster supposed to do on a cold winter relaxing evening? Play with her new toy of course!

On my Masters last visit he had been extremely excited to come see me and worked his ass off to earn the paycheck he had just received. On his way he picked up a Rabbit! My first ever Rabbit! It' not a cheap one either. It has all these awesome and (for lack of a better word) orgasmic settings and because I want to start posting pictures on here I figured what better then to post a picture of my new toy.

It definitely doesn't replace my Master (I have always preferred the real thing. Nothing can replace the feel of a warm body and those strong arms..... haha sorry)

 Anyway I am missing Him an extra lot today and He isn't feeling good. I wish I could drive to Him and bring Him some hot chicken noodle.

My Blogging Intentions

This blog was originally intended for me to write about my secret life as a kinkster and submissive, but I have come to realize that it is so much more.

I have been writing in journals since I was eight years of age and it occurred to me the other day that I haven't written in my journal in a long time. I thought of the many possible reasons why and this is what I came up with.

1. Since My Master/boyfriend came into my life five years ago I started writing less and less. I had someone I could confide in; therefore, subconsciously found that writing my emotions and feelings into my journal would just be repetitive. The more truthful and open we became, the less I retreated to my journal to write.

2. Ever since I started this blog I pretty much stopped writing all together in my journal. Hence having my blog replace it.

3. This one kind of goes along with number 2. I had always wanted to relate to people and have people understand me. I have also always wanted to give others a look into my world. Writing in a journal would never accomplish this since no one would probably see it until I lost it or I had passed away. 

Anyway since it seems there is way too much in my life to just narrow down this blog to one topic, or to create multitudes of other blogs on other topics, I'm pretty much just going to make this blog dedicated to my life rather then my single secret side.

I am adding tags to my blog so that it will be easier for people to find the specific topic they want to read about because my life is an incredible plethora of stories, events and chaos. In the midst of all this chaos there needs to be some organization (hints the tags)


P.S. Definitely feeling better then I did when I wrote my last blog. Like I said my feelings are a roller coaster ride. I just wish, in times of desperation, I could tell my self that I will feel better because I always do.

This is a much long overdue blog post.

There is this side of me that I am completely ashamed and embarrassed to show to people.

I am the type of girl who hates to cry, show anger, sadness, embarrassment in public. I also like to stay in the background. Not so much that I am completely ignored, but far enough into the background where people enjoy being around me, but don’t ask questions. This semester I have done a pretty good job of achieving this. When that one person notices a look on my face or catches a glimpse of recently teary dried eyes and asks “Are you okay?” I will most usually say “Sure”, “I don’t want to talk about it”, “Yes” and then I retreat into my mind where I feel completely alone, yet at the same time I feel better knowing I am not dragging anyone into my deep dark trap of depressed feeling and emotional solitude.

Unfortunately, there is one person that I have dragged into my locked away emotional world and it’s the one person I love and care about the most. It makes me feel horrible.

I have emotional problems. I am not sure what they are and why I am plagued with them. I am aware of the triggers. The worst, of course, is when it’s “my time of the month” when everything is ultimately amplified. I feel I can blame my inherited genetics from my psycho sometimes bipolar mother, but it is also not fair to her for me to make her responsible for something that is out of our control.

All I can do is try to harness this. Try to control it and realize when I have horrible thoughts cross my mind that it will pass and I am not in the right state of mind to make rational decisions. I would lock myself in my room until it passes and try not to talk to people so that I wouldn’t lash out, do anything irrational or make a devastating mistake like breaking up with my boyfriend (which I don’t want to do at all.) The problem is life goes on rather I want it to or not. I have to go to work school and deal with people. I don’t have the ability to take a vacation of solitude.

It’s strange. It’s like every self-destroying thought and the craving to act on self-destructive actions hits me at one time. It’s like it’s not me because when I have these thoughts I more often than not and saying out loud to these thoughts while I am in tears “STOP!” “LEAVE ME ALONE!” “GO AWAY!!!” because I am fighting it.

Last night I had one of the worst spells I have had in a long time. I cannot really figure out what the trigger was. I do know that my boyfriend/Master was with me for it (he usually isn’t), and had no idea how to deal with it at this magnitude. I feel grateful that he tried to break through my uncontrollable pushing away, snapping and interrupting but then he gave up and I realized to late that I was hurting myself even more by pushing him away. I can't blame him for getting frustrated or upset. 

By the end of the night he had given up, was pissed off, wouldn’t touch me, rolled over away from me and went to sleep. It made me even more upset that he wouldn’t hold me. Domino effect. My emotions feed off of that. The problem was no longer that I was just generally depressed, but that I felt wasn’t loved at the moment and that I had pushed away the one person who has always helped me. This was also the last night before he had to go back home and I wouldn’t see him again for two to three weeks.  I tried to calm down and I tried to fix it, but it was too late and I laid down to  sleep for the night wishing more than anything in the world that he would just roll over hold me tight and tell me everything was okay. 

When we woke up this morning everything was calmer as usual after a night of rest, but the suffocating feeling of depression still loomed within me. He pulled me into Him and held me for a little while before I had to get up. I didn’t say much if anything at all. I didn’t want to push him away again like I had the previous night.  I remained silent for a majority of the morning just so I could enjoy the last hour I had left with him before he was gone again. (Even as I am writing this I am tearing up) We took a little trip to sheetz and said our goodbyes there. I tried to smile and stay in good spirits, but inside I was screaming and begging for things to change, to be different, that I didn’t have these roller coaster emotions and that me and him never had to say good-bye.

The end result here is that I am utterly embarrassed and repulsed by myself. I push people away and usually it doesn’t affect me, but then I push away my best friend/boyfriend and I want to die. I love him more than anything in this world and he sacrifices so much for me only to have to deal with this mess of a girl. In the end he always tells me he loves me, tells me he cares no matter how difficult things get.

…And I know he will never ever abandon me. And after everything, for that sole reason, I still feel like I am one of the luckiest girls on earth to have someone who despite everything still loves me. 

Thank You C.

I HATE MY JOB. Waitressing

I HATE MY JOB. Waitressing at 6am and having to get up at 4am not fun.

Chipotle + Cold Stone + Exercise = ick

I am sitting here in the middle of my workout routine seriously regretting my decision to order a burrito from chipotle, eat a bag of chips with salsa and then follow it with a like it size of cold stones signature chocolate devotion ice cream. Ick. I feel sick. To make it all better (sarcasm) "Bacon Paradise" is playing on our big screen right now. Double ick.

On a lighter note, I feel like this is a good show of how devoted to my Master's workout routine and how obedient I am becoming.

After barley getting through about 40 Burpees… (If you don't know what they are search "burpee exercise" on you tube and a rather attractive foreign women will show you how.) my legs feel like jello and I still have lunges to do. Master told me to wait 20 minutes before I do them and this is how I am using this time.

I feel a sense of accomplishment that I am able to finally stick to something my Master has told me to do which I guess from his perspective is training for what else is to come. I think that something as simple as a workout routine is good way to start. I am sure he's noticing this as well.

I really really miss Him too. Getting through every day is so hard without Him, but I guess that's why it's starting to get easier to listen to what He tells me to do because I fell like He's with me when I am completing a command or task.

Anyway, tomorrow is my final exam for my ethics class. I really hope I do well because I have a 90.06… that's .06 from a B and I really want to keep an A. Yes I am a perfectionist.

Oh and this is just something rather random and funny I heard on TV today.

"I want you to put your breasts on my dresser" Quote of the day curtsey of "My Wife and Kids"

Another random comment = These GEICO commercials a freaking hilarious. So far my favorites are

1. Does a really big bag of flour make a really big biscuit?

2. Does a drill sergeant make a terrible therapist?

Makes me laugh every time.

Apps and Exercise

Today was conglomeration of relaxation and work. I did nothing, but a lot at the same time. It took my lazy bum ass until noon to get out of bed and turn on my computer to finish up the last little bit of my paper. Why did it take until noon? Well I wasn't sleeping. I have a first generation I-pod touch and had never really taken advantage of the games available on it. Until last night. I discovered a whole slew of entertaining apps which have kept me glued to the screen all hours of the day.

TouchPets Dogs 2. If you have an I-Pod and like games where you take care of cute pets look at that one. It's free and better than most of the paid apps out there. Just saying, it's cute and a ton of fun.

 

Anyway. I finally finished my 12 page ethics paper. I'm glad to be done with it. Now only one chapter quiz and one test left between me and the end of this class. Finally!

Another cause of my unwillingness to get out of bed this morning was probably due to my Master's workout routine that I am following. I feel like I have been hit by a bus and going up and down the stairs is extremely painful. Ow. But it's a good burn. At first glance the routine looks extremely simple and someone may ask themselves, is this really effective? Let me tell you though after only doing the first day (I started with Monday) my legs killed me and still are. I really hope that following this with gets me the results I want and Master says it will. He adjusts it according to my ability to do things and athletic level as time goes on. This is something I can stick with and want to since it was written by my Master himself.

Workout

 

Wait 30 sec between exercises to begin next rep

Be sure to drink plenty of water and have a fully charged IPOD J

 

Monday

Leg Definition Training

 

25 Lunges alternating legs X2

25 squats X 3

15 Burpes DONT LET YOUR BACK SINK LOWER THAN YOUR BUTT otherwise it defeats the purpose of exercise X2

 

Tuesdays & Saturday

Upper body strength training

You need you need to keep an empty milk jug. Wash it out and make sure its sterile then fill with water and put cap back on it.

 

10 Curls each side X2

15 Russian Twists X2

15 Hindu Pushups X4

 

Wednesday & Sunday

Hydration and rest

 

Thursday

Legs Strength Training

 

20 Explosive jumps X3 find a box and squat down then jump with both feet at the same time and landing at the same time then jump down

15 Walking Lunges X4 with a broom handle

 

Friday

CORE WORK

 

15 Russian Twists X3

Plank for 1 minute then stop then lift your left hand up along with your right leg so you're balancing on one hand and one foot 1:30 then switch

20 Cross scissor cross X2

 

This is exactly what he gave to me with a little creative design thrown in by me. What? I'm a girl lol

2011 Bucket List and Firsts

My first blog of 2011!

So a while back my Master had made me a schedule of exercises to do throughout the week. It doesn't seem like a long list and at first glance it looks like these exercises wouldn't be enough. Let me tell you, they are. It may be just because I haven't worked out in a while, but I must have done over 200 squats and lunges yesterday and my legs are sore. It's a good sore. It feels good, which might have something to do with my masochistic tendencies. *giggles*

So here it is… not a list of "resolutions", but a bucket list of to-do and if I don't get them done this year they will just roll over.

1. At some point this year, actually weight 115 pounds.
   
   1. I'm small so my weight at 115 will be right on target. According to my BMI 104 is underweight.
      
2. Feel physically good and healthy despite whatever I weight and find a healthy plan that I enjoy and can stick too.
   
3. Graduate with my Bachelors in Finance and minor in Economics in May.
   
   1. I am very excited about this.
      
4. Set up a concrete plan towards becoming self sufficient.
   
   1. This includes, but is not limited to:
      
      1. Saving for a fuel efficient vehicle.
         
      2. Saving at least half a years living expenses so I can move out into the world.
         
      3. Hopefully move in with my Master a year from now.
         
5. Do something different and exciting. A.K.A. try something new.
   
6. And finally, what will probably become my Masters favorite, work my way towards a 24/7 obedient belonging.
   
   1. I am getting there, slowly. Every now and then He makes me realize that I am changing for the better, and with every change I am taking better care of myself, keeping my emotions in check, and becoming and happier and more confident me. (Sounds cheesy, but it's true.) That's why this relationship is so good for me J
      

That's it. It's a little boring, but I am not going to put pressure on myself to meet some stressful unrealistic goal such as the classic "make straight A's" or "lose 20 pounds in a month". Barley anyone ever actually meets these so called "resolutions"

On another note, my Master and I are on year six of being together. Our New Year's weekend was amazing and then time I got to spend with Him was very precious. I took advantage of me being 21 and having a designated Master with me (lol) and had my first Margarita, 2 tequila sunrises, a long-island, and a glass of cabernet and a glass of chocolate wine. Oh yeah, and the champagne. Lol. I work up the next morning feeling a little dizzy, but none-the-less I felt great. J

…and my ass was a little sore *giggles*

Overall it was an awesome weekend, but once again with my Master leaving me the happiness has its penalties. The remnants of a wonderful weekend with Him are always in the form of crushing, suffocating, longingness and nostalgia, but I think to myself, I have, at most, less than 2 years until we are together.

Patience is a virtue and I am slowly coming to terms with it.