Change is Constant

Change is Constant. I embrace it hesitantly  Like sticking my toes in the pool water to test the temperature before jumping in. You can't blame me. Every major change in my life has impacted me in a negative way... at  first and then developed into something amazing. Like the initial shock to your body when jumping into the slightly chilly pool water after weighting the pro's and cons of walking away.

M is in the Air Force. That's right. We have gone military. Once again, another year, another MAJOR change in my life.

I have many doubts and fears, but I am also very excited and have some adrenaline pumping. I am excited to see what happens and what comes next. For a while I saw my life going nowhere. I saw myself stuck in a bland, boring, colorless place with no adventure. And now all these doors and possibilities are opening up again. What's going to happen? Where is life going to go? What opportunities will this create for us....

And on a more SEXI note.... M is a military man which makes his hotness score sky rocket and I didn't think it could go much further ; ).

Instead of getting to test the waters first, I'm getting pushed in. Instead of weighting the pros and cons, someone else is in control of whether or not and when I have to jump into the pool....

I am used to planning. When your lifestyle changes to "military" you can't exactly plan. I have no choice, but to sit back and let go of the control over my future. It is now up to M.

I am scared, but excited and then I realize.... isn't that the nature of a sub, to have another take over and control of their life, to make the decision for them. To decide what is best, safe and healthy? I am a sub. M is my Master. He is taking control of our future and I will be obediently by his side from now on.

Broken

I can't stop crying. I loath this time of year. Everything just seems terrible. No matter how hard I try to change, make things better, be positive and happy, I'm just not. I can't ever tell if what I do is the wrong thing or right thing.

At this moment it feels like no matter what I do is the right thing. I feel terrible no matter what.

I'm broken and I always have been. Since I was young. With every life event the cuts get deeper, my soul gets torn to pieces.

I had another episode in the middle of the night. Where I get dizzy, my breath seems to be taken right out of my lungs, my hearing goes. At least I know it has something to do with stress and physical pain. This time the pain was in my chest instead of my abdomen.

Since I was little there was only one thing I wanted. A family of my own. I wanted to be a Mom. A homemaker. I am not a driven career type. I find value in the little things. Laughing, playing, a sunny day, a butterfly.

No matter how hard I try, the changes I make, this "dream" slips further and further from my grasp.

And I feel alone.

I work, I come home, I do things for everyone else. I have been wrapped up in this cycle for so long that I am lost within my own mind and have no idea what I want. - or do I?

I love someone with all my heart. I have put everything into us, including my soul. ... I don't know what else to say other then that. We play and laugh and love life together. When we are together... but we aren't.

It is obvious that I've reached my limit. I started crying yesterday and haven't stopped since.I am so broken. No matter what I do or how I think I can't stop crying.

I don't want to be alone, but then I don't want to be teetering on the edge of a false hope.

My life is destroyed. I don't want to hear..."oh your young" I hate that. I can't go back to elementary school, I can't go back to middle or high school, I can't go back to college, I can't get these days back. Those are the days when you find out who you are, when you have the opportunity to build the life you want.. I still don't know who I am and I have no one to blame but myself.

All I know is that I love someone with all my heart and everything, but the distance is tearing me apart. I don't know what to do. 6 years apart is a long time. A lot of gas, a lot of goodbyes and a lot of tears. .. a lot of amazing times.

....I did this to myself. Put in all this hope. And right now I probably sabotaging my life again like I do. Like I said... I am completely broken.

 I just don't want to feel alone.

Sorry for such a depressing post, but this is the only place I can get it out.

A Dream...

I had a dream that we weren't together, but I was with someone else.

There was a hill. A fairly steep hill covered with healthy green grass and freshly fallen fall leaves of all colors.

People were all around playing in the leaves. Laughing, smiling, running around, throwing them in the air.

I was running up the hill playing in the leaves as well; running around the natural boulders, watching everyone's enjoyment and spotted you watching me and smiling. 

I looked to the top of the hill and there was a king with a women holding his arm as they walked.

He was out of place; dressed in royal black garments lined with gold and a crown on his head.

Everyone else was dressed in normal clothes.

You had on that grey long sleeve shirt, jeans and your boots.

The women around the kings arm was dressed in royal red garments lined with black.

I knew she was a lady of high wealth, but I also knew she was not the Queen.

I looked back at you and you were standing there casually and calm with your hands in your pockets.

In my dream we had been best friends for years; as close as we could get.

I looked at the king, whom I was "with" at the time. Who ignored my happiness and a thought occurred to me.

I looked at you, M, and for the first time realizing that I didn't really love this king who had claimed me as his, but I love the man I had been best friends with for years and I said "We have a problem."

The End

The Darker Side of BDSM

I ramble a little in this one... its basically about balancing all the emotions of life, relationship and BDSM. Not such an easy task when you add distance.

Now the lifestyle/sex life we choose to live has it rewards, but mix it with distance, work, school, family, social lives, and romance... it can be a recipe for a complicated mess.

We cannot control the people we are, nor can we control the lives we were meant to lead, but there are times where if we don't tread carefully, rush in guns blazing, develop selfish motives or forget that there are two independent minds that make up a relationship feelings can get hurt and emotions can be mis-interpreted.

We (meaning M and I, I think he will agree) tend to throw our relationship off balance when our motives turn selfish or we forget that we have responsibilities to each other's emotional needs.

Sometimes our desires become very dark. I sometimes feel guilty for wanting to be "abused" or treated "dirty", but it's a release an feels good after a stressful week. Now keep in mind my definition of abused:

(In D/s terms) Abuse; Verb. -  To have my body subjected to anything seen fit by M, excluding anything that would put me in physical danger or harm me emotionally. (Getting punched, kicked, hit/smacked with negitive intentions, ignored after play, no positive reinforcement, disregarding my feelings about something ect.) 

M would never intentionally hurt me.

Nonetheless, since we are long-distance things can get skewed, misinterpreted or the romance and connection between us can get lost in the static and excitement of our D/s life.

M has always had a thing for threesomes, then again most guys do; however, he has made it clear that it is more about the power and control he would have then the sex. The ability to control multiple girls gives him a rush, just like the idea of being kidnapped by a group of guys gives me a rush.

I forget sometimes.

There is a girl he has met which he has taken to and I knew in the beginning that it was about the control and didn't have anything to do with me being inadequate  Time progressed, it's been a few weeks and something took over me. Fear. He hadn't over stepped his boundaries  just giving her a command here and there, but something grew inside of me.

This girl is pretty. She's skinnier then me (these are facts, not irrational comments), younger, still in the prime of her hormonal years (meaning horny all the time), and seems willing to listen to every command M gives her. I got jealous.

Disclaimer: Keep in mind M had nothing to do with the following and nor did he know the extent of how I felt. I should have shared it with him.

I started starving myself to lose weight, I started giving in to every command without fighting and even going as far as to beat him to the punch by doing things that I know he would ask me or want me to do before he even asked even though I'd usually say no. (For example: taking pictures in the morning and sending them, suggesting putting my anal beads in during the day...etc.)

I felt like I was in an unspoken competition with this girl to be the better sub. This is when things started to snowball.

Non of this I shared with M. The only real thing I would say is that I was a little jealous but it was okay. It wasn't.

Analysis of Why Things Went Wrong

We love each other very much. We are best friends and we have grown into this lifestyle together. We would never want to hurt each other, but it happens. 

I have anxiety which also played a role. During this three week period when M had a new girl to explore possibilities with and talk to our romance and conversations took to the bench. Our conversations would be about this girl or other things like commands and what not. We didn't really talk about everyday things or laugh about random stuff. Our life became consumed with D/s. And I'm finally starting to see a pattern. This seems to happen every few months where we go too far towards the D/s and forget that we are in a loving relationship. 

I need the romance and it fell to the wayside. I need to be reminded that I am more then just a fuck toy and that fell to the wayside a little bit. There were a few mornings where I woke up and had a bad start to the day right away. I would cry on the way to work, exhausted about other stresses in my life and didn't really get more then an "I'm sorry" out of M. 

There were days where he would be really stressed about work and school and I would bitch at him about something stupid. I should have been there for him to lean on.

And in between these days we filled with talk of sex and kink and D/s. We would quietly fill our roles with no complaints, not communicating with each other when there were underlying things wrong slowly eating at our relationship. 

This past week I have misinturrpreted some things he has said to me which has caused my anxiety to flare up. We haven't really been romantic with each other since we last saw each other Halloween weekend. 

We need to remember that our souls need the romance and need to be feed with words of compassion, understanding and love. We need to keep ourselves emotionally fit for the D/s world and we have to remember to not neglect our own feelings or each others. 

I did not speak up when something bothered me and M let his excitement/libido take over. There has got to be a balance because if not, our already complicated long-distance relationship will be filled with resentment, fear, depression and "real" darkness.

Moving Forward

We have decided that when we see each other this Friday we are going to write an official set of ground rules if we are to continue this life. Me with my obsessive need to feel loved, gain attention, feel relinquished of responsibilities and submissive in his presence, but also to go on with my career and life as the head strong independent (stubborn... hehe) women I have grown into. Him with his obsessive need to control and spoil, to take care of, teach and feel respected, needed and loved in return.

Aside from all this I have other fears... fears that we will never be together, that I won't be able to have a family with him and fears that I won't be the perfect girl he deserves or wants....but...

He has reassured me several times that I am the most beautiful girl he has ever seen, I have the most beautiful eyes, and the most amazing personality. He recites these things daily.

I think most of our issues stem from long-distance because when we are together we have it down to a science. We are like two matching puzzle pieces in a very very large puzzle. All things fall into place and we feel complete. Put a three hour drives and two to four weeks between us and we start having problems.

I want the distance to end desperately, but I also want us to be happy.

Masquerade, Hurricanes and Giant Anal Beads

My life is busy so this post is a little over due...

Where do I begin...

Friday 10/26

I went to see M this weekend and we were both way overly excited to see each other. I couldn't have gotten out of work faster on Friday to drive the few hours.  As I drove my heartbeat picked up pace. I knew what was waiting for me at the end of my journey. M would be standing outside as I drove up his driveway eager to get his hands on me after three weeks.

Earlier that day he had called me eager to tell me about the new toys he had bought for us to play with. A blindfold, new anal beads (small ones, mine had broke previously) and then giant anal beads. (Is it still a bead if it's giant?).

When I got there we couldn't keep our hands off each other. When we went up into his room he immediately told me to kneel at the end of the bed. I waited and watched him move around the room as my legs fell asleep beneath me. He finally walked over to me. I took off a ring I was wearing and placed it on the edge of the bed. He looked at me and said "Did I tell you you could move." Oh, yeah. He was definitely in the mood. I placed my ring back on and he started to undress me. He got out the ropes and tied them around the bed. He proceeded to tie one of my hands to one side and my other hand to the other side so that I was kneeling, helplessly tied to the end of the bed.

He then blindfolded and ball gagged me. Then place anal beds in my ass slowly. He played with my body and then he tried to hypnotize me again which worked and didn't work at the same time. I went under, couldn't move, felt relaxed, but I didn't fall asleep and I remembered most everything he said.

Finally after playing with me some more he untied me and fucked me. It felt sooo good.

Saturday 10/27

We slept hard and woke up around 8:30 to get some Starbucks and search for our Halloween costumes for this huge Halloween party they were having in our area. After much shopping around and goofing off in the Halloween stores and mall we decided to go as Venetians. Our decision was very much inspired by Assassins Creed. Our costumes were amazing. He looked so hot in his...sorry girl moment haha.

Anyway... it finally got to be that time to meet up with people and go to the massive party (5000 people, not exaggerating). The wind was kicking up a little as the clouds from Hurricane Sandy started to hover over us. There were all kinds of different party areas, entertainment and costumes. They had strippers and the famed grinder girls, skrillix, lmafo, industrial rave music. --Not a complete sentence, but you get the point. IT WAS AWESOME.

We were pleasantly surprised when we walked through two of the areas. The first one was a spanking both. Yes! An actual spanking both with FemDoms willing to whip some poor shmucks ass. I of course was way to shy/scared to go up there. Especially afraid that one of our friends would notice or see.

Another room had a girl cuffed to a spider web like chain set up. The Dom was using electricity on her and she was very obviously enjoying this. This room was tiny, there was a leather bench/spanking table of some sort that I was glade to sit down on because my heels were killing me. We had broken away from our group on purpose and there weren't very many people in the room due to the nature of the performers. I was very relaxed as we watched the show. This girl squirmed and squealed at every shock followed by a very satisfied giggle or smile from the Dom.

I looked around the room at everyones faces as they watched the girl. I love people watching. Their faces said it all. Some were obviously experienced. They were critiquing with their eyes and serious. Others were excited. Many walked in the room for two seconds mouthed omg or what. Their eyes would get wide and they would stare and then quickly leave or get pulled out by their friend saying lets go. This particular couple caught me off guard. They were very mainstream looking. Very frat boy and sorority girl, but they sat there at least as long as M and I did and watched. The girl sat on his lap and had a very submissiveness to her.

I wore my mask the entire time. I am way to afraid of being recognized. I'm a bit ashamed of being afraid to let people know who I am, but I just honestly don't want the drama that could stem from it which has caused me to become overly paranoid.  M says I had my mask on at the beginning of the night because I was hiding in general. Which he was right. I have a slight social anxiety.

Anyway, as the night progressed we chilled in a stripper area. My feet were killing me and I had been stumbling worse then the drunk people on my heels even though I was not even the slightest bit buzzed. (I am trying not to drink to see if it effects my anxiety, but that's a different story.) So I sit down and look to my right and these people are having sex, under the girls cape sitting on the guy cowgirl style. You couldn't really see anything, but they were definitely fucking. I stealthily took out my cell phone to record.. don't judge me haha... but it was too dark to see anything.

Sunday 10/28

Now I am continuing to write this post a whole two weeks later so the details are a bit fuzzy now. M got me these giant anal beads which we decided to play with. To my surprise I was almost able to take them all except for the last two, but the sensation was amazing. So amazing that the minute they were in my ass I felt that I was going to come just from that.

Under His Control...Literally

This is my second post and an entirely new subject.

hyp·no·sis [hip-noh-sis]

noun, plural hyp·no·ses [-seez] 

1. an artificially induced trance state resembling sleep, characterized by heightened susceptibility to suggestion.

It's absolutely exhilarating. Did I think it would really work, I had my doubts and so did he, but when I came out of it I couldn't figure out if it was real or I had been struck by the placebo effect.

M visited me this weekend and had suggested that he wanted to try hypnosis on me. I thought it would be fun, but when it came down to it he changed his mind. I kept asking why and he said he was fighting with his conscious. I think having that much control over me scared Him. He loves me dearly and I think he likes that I am able to make my own choices, but the primal dominant side wanted to be able to give me a command that I would complete without question. (I say no and wine alot) 

I wanted Him to try it and honestly the idea turned me on. Plus I was feeling really anxious about some issues I was having at work. I felt the anxiety was taking over me. I finally looked at him and said can you do it so I can relax and relax I did.

He has a natural soothing tone to him. His voice has always been extremely calming to me so I should have known that it would work.

He counted down telling me to relax my feet and legs and that's all I remember about the count down...lol

Then I remember somethings he said I guess after I was under. I remember Him saying I will remember he said these things, but it's kind of a dream like memory. I remember telling me that when he says an Italian word I will instantly relax and be happy or something like that.... I remember Him saying that I will do everything he says without question and that I can't say no to Him. 

And then I remember opening my eyes and Him staring at me. At first I was like why are you looking at me weird and then I remembered what was happening. 

And from that point on I couldn't say No. He told me to do things and I wanted to. And even if my mind told me I didn't want to I wanted to make Him happy. And when I really really didn't want to do something and I tried to deny Him I couldn't. It was weird. Like I forgot how to say No or couldn't get the words together, kind of like how when your trying to remember a word and you say "it's at the tip of my tongue" but it never comes. 

But it was a liberating feeling. To be truly submissive and not be able to make excuses. I have found that I can beg and say no at indirect commands, but I can't directly say no and then it just becomes easier to do the task. 

  

I found this out because He told me to get nipple piercings, which I really, really don't want.  I tried to say no, but I couldn't get it out. I wanted to get them pierced, but my head was freaking out. It's a weird sensation when you want something, but don't at the same time. I begged. Instead of saying no I manged to say "please don't make me" in which M replied "okay". I have to beg now if I don't want something. I can't just say no. I have to put all new words together; however it comes out more polite and respectful then my typical attitude ridden no's used to.

My libido is back, I am more relaxed now... I don't know why I am more relaxed considering I don't think that has anything to do with his "You have to do whatever I say" command, but there is something different inside me and I like it.  It's freeing. 

If He could do that every time I felt full of anxiety I would never have to live with that dreadful feeling again.  It's an exciting ability M has, but scary with all that power... that's what turns me on the most. Thank God I can trust Him! 

I'm curious about others experience with hypnosis. I love you M. This is an exciting new area of exploration for the both of us!

<3 br="br" ellie="ellie">

Dear Anne Rice... You took the words right out of my mouth!

 My life has once again become filled with flavor, adrenaline, and light. My weekend was absolutely exhilarating.

I have two topics I want to write about. The first I will write here and the other I will create another post for.

Ever since I found out that Anne Rice (author of Interview With a Vampire/Queen of the Damned), had a pseudonym (like I do!), and wrote erotica novels with D/s themes I have wanted to read them. Today during my lovely hour long lunch at my first real job (p.s. I love btw) I went to Barnes and Noble on a sudden mission to finally purchase these books. I think it was also spurred by inspiration from this passed weekend, but that is what my next post is about... please read it.

Anyway, I literally just got done reading the Preface that Anne Rice wrote for The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty. I had to jump out of my comfy bed blog about it, NOW!

Fifty Shades of Grey has now main streamed BDSM. What used to be in the dark depths of the underground is now coming to light in society and Anne is feeding off of it. She wrote a new Preface for the claiming of Sleeping Beauty this past June and it's by far the best preface I have ever not regretted skipping.

Every word is exactly how I feel about this lifestyle M and I are constantly exploring, it's "play", it's a way to escape reality and it's a way for people who take a lead role in their everyday lives to give in and become the passive one behind the scenes. Seriously, if you want to know how I feel about all of this (BDSM) read my blog or read Anne Rice's latest preface in her new edition of The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty because she sums up my many writings in a few short pages.

She is now someone I aspire to become. I've always wanted to be a writer, but I was always afraid to really write what I wanted to because of giving away my secrets to people I know. Anne talks about how she battled with this and how it was freeing to do it.

Ever since I have come out of the fog I was in a few months ago, things have become clearer. My talents and likes are beginning to seep back into my veins and I feel like myself. Even my  love of writing has been slowly coming back to me. And now that I've gotten a look into the mind of a women that thinks like I do I am more inspired to go for it and finally write that novel I've always wanted to under my pseudonym, Ellie Taylor.

Anne wrote that she had no idea when she wrote Queen of the Damned that Vampires where going to be a big thing, that they were going to go main stream and now she is attributing her new found excitement to Fifty Shades of Grey. Her books that she wrote years ago for an underground world are now seeing the sun.

As much as I disliked Fifty Shades of Grey, I have to say I feel more comfortable about who I am and what I like and what I want to write about then ever before, but don't misconstrue that as I'm going to go shouting to the world that I like to be gagged and told what to do. The world (being my family and friends) are not ready to hear that directly from me, but maybe, just maybe they are ready to hear it from Ellie Taylor.

<3 ellie="ellie" p="p">