Under His Control...Literally

This is my second post and an entirely new subject.

hyp·no·sis [hip-noh-sis]

noun, plural hyp·no·ses [-seez] 

1. an artificially induced trance state resembling sleep, characterized by heightened susceptibility to suggestion.

It's absolutely exhilarating. Did I think it would really work, I had my doubts and so did he, but when I came out of it I couldn't figure out if it was real or I had been struck by the placebo effect.

M visited me this weekend and had suggested that he wanted to try hypnosis on me. I thought it would be fun, but when it came down to it he changed his mind. I kept asking why and he said he was fighting with his conscious. I think having that much control over me scared Him. He loves me dearly and I think he likes that I am able to make my own choices, but the primal dominant side wanted to be able to give me a command that I would complete without question. (I say no and wine alot) 

I wanted Him to try it and honestly the idea turned me on. Plus I was feeling really anxious about some issues I was having at work. I felt the anxiety was taking over me. I finally looked at him and said can you do it so I can relax and relax I did.

He has a natural soothing tone to him. His voice has always been extremely calming to me so I should have known that it would work.

He counted down telling me to relax my feet and legs and that's all I remember about the count down...lol

Then I remember somethings he said I guess after I was under. I remember Him saying I will remember he said these things, but it's kind of a dream like memory. I remember telling me that when he says an Italian word I will instantly relax and be happy or something like that.... I remember Him saying that I will do everything he says without question and that I can't say no to Him. 

And then I remember opening my eyes and Him staring at me. At first I was like why are you looking at me weird and then I remembered what was happening. 

And from that point on I couldn't say No. He told me to do things and I wanted to. And even if my mind told me I didn't want to I wanted to make Him happy. And when I really really didn't want to do something and I tried to deny Him I couldn't. It was weird. Like I forgot how to say No or couldn't get the words together, kind of like how when your trying to remember a word and you say "it's at the tip of my tongue" but it never comes. 

But it was a liberating feeling. To be truly submissive and not be able to make excuses. I have found that I can beg and say no at indirect commands, but I can't directly say no and then it just becomes easier to do the task. 

  

I found this out because He told me to get nipple piercings, which I really, really don't want.  I tried to say no, but I couldn't get it out. I wanted to get them pierced, but my head was freaking out. It's a weird sensation when you want something, but don't at the same time. I begged. Instead of saying no I manged to say "please don't make me" in which M replied "okay". I have to beg now if I don't want something. I can't just say no. I have to put all new words together; however it comes out more polite and respectful then my typical attitude ridden no's used to.

My libido is back, I am more relaxed now... I don't know why I am more relaxed considering I don't think that has anything to do with his "You have to do whatever I say" command, but there is something different inside me and I like it.  It's freeing. 

If He could do that every time I felt full of anxiety I would never have to live with that dreadful feeling again.  It's an exciting ability M has, but scary with all that power... that's what turns me on the most. Thank God I can trust Him! 

I'm curious about others experience with hypnosis. I love you M. This is an exciting new area of exploration for the both of us!

<3 br="br" ellie="ellie">

Dear Anne Rice... You took the words right out of my mouth!

 My life has once again become filled with flavor, adrenaline, and light. My weekend was absolutely exhilarating.

I have two topics I want to write about. The first I will write here and the other I will create another post for.

Ever since I found out that Anne Rice (author of Interview With a Vampire/Queen of the Damned), had a pseudonym (like I do!), and wrote erotica novels with D/s themes I have wanted to read them. Today during my lovely hour long lunch at my first real job (p.s. I love btw) I went to Barnes and Noble on a sudden mission to finally purchase these books. I think it was also spurred by inspiration from this passed weekend, but that is what my next post is about... please read it.

Anyway, I literally just got done reading the Preface that Anne Rice wrote for The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty. I had to jump out of my comfy bed blog about it, NOW!

Fifty Shades of Grey has now main streamed BDSM. What used to be in the dark depths of the underground is now coming to light in society and Anne is feeding off of it. She wrote a new Preface for the claiming of Sleeping Beauty this past June and it's by far the best preface I have ever not regretted skipping.

Every word is exactly how I feel about this lifestyle M and I are constantly exploring, it's "play", it's a way to escape reality and it's a way for people who take a lead role in their everyday lives to give in and become the passive one behind the scenes. Seriously, if you want to know how I feel about all of this (BDSM) read my blog or read Anne Rice's latest preface in her new edition of The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty because she sums up my many writings in a few short pages.

She is now someone I aspire to become. I've always wanted to be a writer, but I was always afraid to really write what I wanted to because of giving away my secrets to people I know. Anne talks about how she battled with this and how it was freeing to do it.

Ever since I have come out of the fog I was in a few months ago, things have become clearer. My talents and likes are beginning to seep back into my veins and I feel like myself. Even my  love of writing has been slowly coming back to me. And now that I've gotten a look into the mind of a women that thinks like I do I am more inspired to go for it and finally write that novel I've always wanted to under my pseudonym, Ellie Taylor.

Anne wrote that she had no idea when she wrote Queen of the Damned that Vampires where going to be a big thing, that they were going to go main stream and now she is attributing her new found excitement to Fifty Shades of Grey. Her books that she wrote years ago for an underground world are now seeing the sun.

As much as I disliked Fifty Shades of Grey, I have to say I feel more comfortable about who I am and what I like and what I want to write about then ever before, but don't misconstrue that as I'm going to go shouting to the world that I like to be gagged and told what to do. The world (being my family and friends) are not ready to hear that directly from me, but maybe, just maybe they are ready to hear it from Ellie Taylor.

<3 ellie="ellie" p="p">

 

I love my Job!

So I've done a complete 360 from January. It's beautiful outside, I love my job, I love my home, I love M and I'm loving life right now.

I'm not going to lie, sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me, but I try to take a deep breath, think rationally and now that I have this past year to compare to my current situation it's easier to calm myself and remind myself of how lucky I am.

I spent last weekend with M. We played with our dog, played some lazer tag and kicked ass and hung out with friends. It was the most fun I've had in a while!

<3 br="br" ellie="ellie">

An Introspective Vacation

I'm leaving today for the beach and my grandmothers. I decided I really wanted to go to the beach before my job starts to get some R&R, but apparently I have to go by myself if I'm going to go. M can't go and my family can't go. I do get to hang out with my grandmother who thinks she's 20 something though (she's absolutely hilarious)

I'm feeling anxiety about the whole thing though. I don't know if it's because it will be the first time on my own since the whole disaster of a move or if it's because a 7 1/2 hour drive seems a little intimidating. Or maybe I just really did want M to come. Idk. Usually my intuition like this is a warning sign, but every thinks i need to go and I want to go.

My plan is to learn to meditate, to exercise, to jump back on a good sleep cycle, and to purge myself of all the bad foods I've been eating. I may even try to take a bath or two which I usually find tedious and boring. I got many books from the library which I intend reading also. Basically I'm a go go go person and I'm going to learn to relax again and get away from my stressful household before I start my adult life.

I did the same thing last year and ended up continuing to lose 15 pounds when I got back and I was living in a very happy stress free way while working at the same time. Of course my mood went south and I gained all that weight back, when I moved, but I guess my mission is to find that happy place again where I was getting fit, my emotions felt stable and I was generally a happy girl.

So until next week or whenever I decide to come home = )

<3 ellie="ellie">

P.S. I plan on using Honim Myo meaning from this moment on as my mantra as I learn to meditate. Thanks to "Kitten for Sir" for giving me that one.

101st Post

So it occurred to me that my 100th post was yesterday and it slipped my mind. 100 posts is a lot of writing. Not sure if it's a big deal or not, but people seem to like to point out their mile stone posts. I'm going to point this one out instead.

This is my 101st post!!!!! Yay!!!! 

Okay. Now that that's out of my system. 

This morning I woke up to a text from M. 

"Good morning. When you awaken, take a long walk to the front of your subdivision and back. Then take a shower with your, but plug in your pussy, the clitoral vibrator and play with your ass, then eat two hard boiled eggs. You can only drink water today and three beers or three glasses of wine tonight. When you have done all that I want you to put on your bikini and wash your car with your hands and a rag. After that you may sit down for a few minutes and play Assassins Creed with the butt plug in your pussy. Try to locate the purple one so you can fill both your dirty tight holes. Be a good girl today for me please thank you.  

Master "

 I saw this when I woke up and thought this is new. I liked it because they are tasks to be done and I do them in that order, but I have the freedom to do other things through the day too. All these tasks a re good for my health and also allow me to release sexual energy. I also get to play games too! LDR and D/s is a trick thing, but I think this is along the lines of how it can work. 


When I got up at 10am I went for a long walk, which was a work out. I power walked and worked up a good sweat then I took a shower and since it's noon I requested that I can make a broiled sourdough, goat cheese, spinach and tomato sandwich  with balsamic vinegar to which he said yes. 


Which is what I'm going to do right now since my tummy is growling. 


I miss M and I can't wait to visit him. After I wrote my post yesterday I was afraid of backlash. Anger, resentment or hurting his feelings, but I didn't get any of that and I enjoyed the rest of yesterday talking to him. I also felt much better after writing all that and I think he's glad I did too because he knows that when I write to get things off my mind he understands me more and I am more relaxed.


It's sometimes hard to keep up with these posts, but I think it;s good for me and I'm going to try to write more often.


<3 Ellie

Things are falling into place... for the most part...

I'm home and it feels wonderful. I feel normal, happy and alive again. My anxiety and depression I was feeling are virtually gone. I do however get waves of "omg I'm a grown up" panic occasionally, but I try to change the thought subject.


Since moving home I have been the most relaxed and my thoughts have been the most clear that they have been in a long time.


M, I know your going to read this, but it's like I've always said, I get my thoughts out better on paper.


I love you.


Anyway, things are falling into place. I got a job. A real job... a career. I'm very excited because this job feels like it fits with my major (Business Administration), but I may actually enjoy it. The pay allows me to live like an adult. I'm not moving out of my parents quite yet though (I'm kinda of tired of moving). Here's the thing and it's been on my mind for a while. 


I really really enjoy the D/s relationship that M and I have; however, it seems we cannot commit to it 24/7 and it kind of seems like things fall apart a little if we aren't in D/s mode. This past few days M had been especially dominant and for the first time in a long long time. I was extremely excited about this because just the night before I was thinking about how we don't do that anymore and I really really really wish I could see that side of him again. 


There something about him that I am attracted too when he's dominant. It's not necessarily just the sexual primal side. He's a different person. he's more confident, more mature and has a adult demeanor. Maybe I shouldn't call it dominance. Maybe it something else. It's like he has this inner battle with himself about his life and where's he is going. Much of the time he's hyper, jokes around and plays games... 90% of the time, which is fun and all, but I wish there was more of a 50/50 for the mature side. I feel like he's confused about who he is and the overly hyperness is a wall and a distraction from his current state of being. 


When he's like that it extremely hard for me to see him as a dominant or not even dominant , but a confident growing adult, and then I feel like I get sexually frustrated, turned off and then both of us just get sexually frustrated. 


I got a "big girl" job and in about a year I'll be moving into my own place, I'll have a 401K, stock options and salary. When I was in high school I dreamed about having my own life. Having a career and starting a family. I now have a career and at this point in time it looks like family isn't going happen for a long time.


He's got his own things to worry about, but I'm not going to lie, there feels like there's this void in my heart. We've been together for almost 7 wonderful years now, but we are growing apart in adulthood and I'm scared. 


I want to be with him, but what is holding us from being together? Difference in where we are in our lives. It's not a bad thing we are just different. I desperately want us to be in the same place. 


I'm ready to move to the next level of our relationship, I'm ready to settle down and start thinking about my dream home or the car I'm going to get in the next year. I'm not ready for kids quite yet, but I do want them. I'm ready to start making a family of my own... for real. 


We used to talk hypothetically growing up about the kind of place we want to live and the kids we want to have, the careers we are seeking and now we are at that age where hypothetical talk is being turned into reality... I just don't think he's entirely ready and I've been ready for some time. I think moving to where he's lives is evidence of this.


I don't think he realizes how serious I am or how much this sinking feeling haunts me that he won't ever be where I am.... ready for commitment. It hurts because I love him so much.


It's inevitable that if we won't last if things stay the way they are and it really hurts to think that, but it's reality. We aren't kids  anymore...


My mission here is not to hurt or offend.  I just don't know how to get these feeling out without writing about them.


All my friends who have been in long-term relationship are engaged or married, I can't think of one whose not. Those who don't have someone have new careers and a few are starting to build their homes. I'm ready for that and there isn't anything I want more in the world then to call my high school sweetheart husband, live in a comfortable home, maybe a little ways from the city with our dog, talking about our day and watching a movie or playing a game. That's my dream.


I write all this with a bit of sadness and fear that it may not happen for us, but also excitement and love that we will have this soon.

My Sanity

My mood has been absolutely all over the place and it has been completely exhausting. So, today I was bored and searching online for things to do when I came across this Sanity Test online and decided to share the results with you. This is the aftermath of everything since December. 

... and here is the link to the Sanity Test if you would like to do the test yourself. I have to say, it's pretty spot on and I'm actually pretty shocked by some of the results for instance borderline personality and OCD which apparently is more then just obsession over doing things, but an inability to control on thoughts about death. 

Your Sanity Score

125

Based upon your answers, you appear to be experiencing some distress at the moment -- your overall mental health is affected by this distress. People with similar scores tend to experience more difficulty in coping with life, and may feel like they need more help than they're currently getting. Because of this, your mental health could likely use a little boost. If you have been feeling this way for longer than 2 weeks' time, people similar to you have sought out professional care from a mental health professional, such as a psychologist, psychotherapist or psychiatrist.

(The Sanity Score is based upon a scientific algorithm with scores ranging from 0 - 288.)

Your specific subscores are below (subscales range from 0 - 100). Under the graph of subscores, you will find additional information regarding the meaning of any significant scores or areas that may be of concern.

General Coping	86
Life Events	47
Depression	84
Anxiety	41
Phobias	25
Self-Esteem	25
Eating Disorders	55
Schizophrenia	0
Dissociation	50
Mania	65
Sexual Issues	44
Relationship Issues	63
Alcohol	0
Drugs	0
Physical Issues	0
Smoking Issues	0
Gambling Issues	0
Technology Issues	38
Obsessions/Compulsions	75
Posttraumatic Stress	8
Borderline Traits	33

Your BMI: Not calculated Your body mass index (BMI) is a measure of body fat based on height and weight that applies to both adult men and women. BMI correlates with body fat. The relation between fatness and BMI differs with age and gender. For example, women are more likely to have a higher percent of body fat than men for the same BMI. On average, older people may have more body fat than younger adults with the same BMI.

Your BMI: You may be: Below 18.5 Underweight 18.5 - 24.9 Normal 25.0 - 29.9 Overweight 30.0 and Above Obese

 General Coping: People with similar scores as yours tend to feel overwhelmed by life or specific things in life right now. You appear to express a great degree of unhappiness with life right now, which strongly suggests a change would be helpful, such as seeking out professional help or talking to a doctor about your concerns.

Life Events: You're experiencing events in your life that may be negatively affecting your overall mental health and your ability to cope with other things in your life. This may also affect your mood.

 Depression: People with scores similar to yours are typically suffering from a moderate to severe depressive episode. This is also known as clinical depression or just plain depression. People who have answered similarly to you typically qualify for a diagnosis of major depression and have sought professional treatment for this disorder.

You should not take this as a diagnosis of any sort, or a recommendation for treatment. However, if would be advisable and likely beneficial for you to seek further diagnosis from a trained mental health professional soon to rule out a possible depressive disorder.

Take Action for Depression:

• Learn About Depression
• Take a Depression Quiz
• Read About Treatment Options
• Join our Support Group
• Find a Therapist

Anxiety: People with scores similar to yours are typically experiencing some degree of anxiety, which may or may not be a concern serious enough to seek out professional help. Remember that a little anxiety in normal, everyday life is to be expected and is a good thing. Nobody should be without any anxiety whatsoever, as anxiety is our body's way of telling us that we should pay closer attention to a situation, event or person in our lives (even if that person is ourselves). Scores in this range suggests a person may be experiencing elevated levels of anxiety that may be causing some distress in an individual.

The most common anxiety disorders diagnosed are either panic disorder or generalized anxiety disorder.

Take Action for Anxiety:

• Learn About Anxiety Concerns
• Take an Anxiety Quiz
• Join our Support Group
• Find a Therapist

Phobias: People with scores similar to yours express some irrational fears of certain specific object or situations, such as being afraid of heights, snakes, or enclosed spaces. Generally, however, most people with this level of fear simply avoid the specific objects or situations in their lives and are not bothered enough by the fears to have it interrupt their everyday lives.

Self-Esteem: People with scores similar to yours express some minor concerns with their self-esteem. Self-esteem is most often the product of our upbringing and personalities. It is something that a self-help book or psychotherapist can help a person learn to readily improve in even just a few sessions. Generally, however, most people have some minor self-esteem issues and often don't seek out assistance for this issue.

 Eating Disorders: People with scores similar to yours are often diagnosed with an eating disorder, such as anorexia or bulimia. Eating disorders occur mostly in women and are due to poor self-image and self-esteem, often as a result of childhood experiences. You can read up ontreatment information for anorexia or bulimia. This is not a diagnosis, or a recommendation for treatment. However, it would be advisable and likely beneficial for you to seek additional assistance from a mental health professional who specializes in eating disorders within your community.

Your body mass index suggests you may also be underweight, which could be causing you additional stress.

Take Action for an Eating Disorder:

• Learn About Eating Disorders
• Take the Eating Attitudes Test
• Join our Support Group
• Find a Therapist

Dissociation: People with scores similar to yours sometimes lose track of time, people, places or events, but not to the extent that it causes serious problems in the individual's life. You canlearn more about dissociative disorders here.

 Mania & Bipolar Disorder: People with scores similar to yours often complain of symptoms commonly associated with bipolar disorder (also known as manic-depression). Bipolar disorder is characterized by a swing in moods from depression to mania (having racing thoughts, an excess of energy, inability to maintain attention, etc.). Bipolar disorder at this level can seriously interfere with a person's normal, everyday life and impair functioning in social relationships, work, school, and other areas of one's life. You can learn more about the symptoms and types of bipolar disorder here.

People who report similar levels of bipolar symptoms often benefit from professional treatment for their concern through a combination of psychotherapy and medication.

Sexual Issues: People with scores similar to yours often have a minor or moderate sexual issue that is causing them some concern.

 Relationship Issues: People with scores similar to yours often complain about one or more serious relationship issues. Relationship issues at this level are often serious and can result in a relationship failing if they are not addressed by both parties (through some type of intervention, whether it be a self-help book or couple's counseling or such).

Technology Issues: People with scores similar to yours sometimes complain about having difficulty controlling their time or use of the Internet and other technologies. They may check email obsessively, or IM friends all the time. Generally, most people do not consider this a problem or issue unless it is seriously affecting your relationships with your friends, your family members, or your significant other.

 Obsessions & Compulsions: People with scores similar to yours often have an obsessive-compulsive disorder. You can view symptoms and treatment options for this disorder. This is not a diagnosis, or a recommendation for treatment. However, it would be advisable and likely beneficial for you to seek a professional diagnosis from a trained mental health professional in your community at your earliest convenience.

Take Action for Obsessions/Compulsions:

• Learn About Obsessions and Compulsions
• Take an OCD Quiz
• Treatments for OCD
• Find a Therapist

Borderline Traits: People with scores similar to yours sometimes have a trait or two that is commonly associated with borderline personality disorder. Generally people with such traits do not seek out or need additional mental health treatment, but it is good knowledge to have.

Recommendations

 You have 6 serious concerns that we've identified. Generally such concerns should be checked out with a mental health professional as soon as you can. You can find a mental health professional within your local community through your insurance provider or through an online therapist directory. Get help immediately if these concerns are overwhelming or you feel your health or safety is at risk.

You have 8 milder concerns that we've identified. Such concerns may be a part of an ordinary person's usual up's and down's in life. However, if any of these issues cause you worry or concern, please consult with your physician or a mental health professional for further information.  

I'm curious to know what other peoples results were...

<3 Ellie <3