Things are falling into place... for the most part...

I'm home and it feels wonderful. I feel normal, happy and alive again. My anxiety and depression I was feeling are virtually gone. I do however get waves of "omg I'm a grown up" panic occasionally, but I try to change the thought subject.


Since moving home I have been the most relaxed and my thoughts have been the most clear that they have been in a long time.


M, I know your going to read this, but it's like I've always said, I get my thoughts out better on paper.


I love you.


Anyway, things are falling into place. I got a job. A real job... a career. I'm very excited because this job feels like it fits with my major (Business Administration), but I may actually enjoy it. The pay allows me to live like an adult. I'm not moving out of my parents quite yet though (I'm kinda of tired of moving). Here's the thing and it's been on my mind for a while. 


I really really enjoy the D/s relationship that M and I have; however, it seems we cannot commit to it 24/7 and it kind of seems like things fall apart a little if we aren't in D/s mode. This past few days M had been especially dominant and for the first time in a long long time. I was extremely excited about this because just the night before I was thinking about how we don't do that anymore and I really really really wish I could see that side of him again. 


There something about him that I am attracted too when he's dominant. It's not necessarily just the sexual primal side. He's a different person. he's more confident, more mature and has a adult demeanor. Maybe I shouldn't call it dominance. Maybe it something else. It's like he has this inner battle with himself about his life and where's he is going. Much of the time he's hyper, jokes around and plays games... 90% of the time, which is fun and all, but I wish there was more of a 50/50 for the mature side. I feel like he's confused about who he is and the overly hyperness is a wall and a distraction from his current state of being. 


When he's like that it extremely hard for me to see him as a dominant or not even dominant , but a confident growing adult, and then I feel like I get sexually frustrated, turned off and then both of us just get sexually frustrated. 


I got a "big girl" job and in about a year I'll be moving into my own place, I'll have a 401K, stock options and salary. When I was in high school I dreamed about having my own life. Having a career and starting a family. I now have a career and at this point in time it looks like family isn't going happen for a long time.


He's got his own things to worry about, but I'm not going to lie, there feels like there's this void in my heart. We've been together for almost 7 wonderful years now, but we are growing apart in adulthood and I'm scared. 


I want to be with him, but what is holding us from being together? Difference in where we are in our lives. It's not a bad thing we are just different. I desperately want us to be in the same place. 


I'm ready to move to the next level of our relationship, I'm ready to settle down and start thinking about my dream home or the car I'm going to get in the next year. I'm not ready for kids quite yet, but I do want them. I'm ready to start making a family of my own... for real. 


We used to talk hypothetically growing up about the kind of place we want to live and the kids we want to have, the careers we are seeking and now we are at that age where hypothetical talk is being turned into reality... I just don't think he's entirely ready and I've been ready for some time. I think moving to where he's lives is evidence of this.


I don't think he realizes how serious I am or how much this sinking feeling haunts me that he won't ever be where I am.... ready for commitment. It hurts because I love him so much.


It's inevitable that if we won't last if things stay the way they are and it really hurts to think that, but it's reality. We aren't kids  anymore...


My mission here is not to hurt or offend.  I just don't know how to get these feeling out without writing about them.


All my friends who have been in long-term relationship are engaged or married, I can't think of one whose not. Those who don't have someone have new careers and a few are starting to build their homes. I'm ready for that and there isn't anything I want more in the world then to call my high school sweetheart husband, live in a comfortable home, maybe a little ways from the city with our dog, talking about our day and watching a movie or playing a game. That's my dream.


I write all this with a bit of sadness and fear that it may not happen for us, but also excitement and love that we will have this soon.