Waitress... Again

So, it's been a while. Here's what's going on. My Master and I are enjoying the hell out of being able to see each other almost everyday and we are taking complete advantage of it... believe me : ) The other day we spent the entire day together in my apartment, naked most of the time, having some fun with toys and whips ... hehe. Anyway...

After my last post, a week went by of trying to solve the identity problem so that I could work. The day after I thought I finally found a way around it, my new place of employment informed me that they had to take back the job offer. Of course, after everything, I was absolutely devastated.

Through some connections, about a day later I was hired as a waitress at a local restaurant. There wasn't really anyway for me to move back home because to break my lease would cost $3,200 which is what I spent to get down here in the first place. (My life savings.)

As of right now I am waitressing. After all of this it has me thinking, I didn't really want that job to begin with anyway so maybe it happened for a reason and this gives me the opportunity to take a step back and re-evaluate my life and what I really want to do with it; however, I feel like I'm a little young to be experiencing a mid-life crisis but I guess that's what happens when your at a cross-roads and reality hits you square in the face.

I'm having an interesting, growing and sometimes fun experience, but things just seem to keep happening to me which is making things hard. For example, two days ago I rear ended someone...while stopped... at a stop light... it wasn't a huge deal, but I was depressed a little that day and my emotions just exploded afterwards and yesterday I had to work a double at the restaurant with a pulled side and back muscle that I pulled somehow while I was sleeping... it hurts.

This whole experience is interesting, eye opening and forcing me to learn about myself which could be a good thing, but I am all around exhausted trying to figure out what to do.

I feel stuck, which could be a good thing or a bad thing. It's an opportunity to think about who I truly am and what I truly want in life, but then I have to pay bills and I have some things that may restrict me from trying other stuff.
 

Settled In... With Help From Xanax and VIZIO

Last I wrote I was torn apart; my rational thinking and ability to have a normal functioning day completely diminished. Today I feel much, much, much better.

I ended up going to the doctor after that last post because I was on a complete downward spiral and despite how my Master and I feel about pills and medication, I knew at that point I needed help.

The Doctor Visit

Went I got to the doctors office I was completely depressed, but calm. I people watched while I waited and took the time to breathe. For that time I didn't have to worry about packing or moving. I already felt a little better. The nurse who did the preliminary stuff was about 19. She asked me about my long-distance relationship because her long term boyfriend had just moved. After waiting a little while longer the doctor came in. I told her my situation and my symptoms and that's when she prescribed me a very low dose of Xanax which is a calming drug. It prevents anxiety and panic. As we were talking we heard a girl in the other room yell "OMG I'm Pregnant!!! I don't know what I'm going to do! I'm going to have a breakdown!"
 The doctor and I burst out in laughter and she said "At least you don't have that problem."

Moving

I tried not to think to hard for the next couple of days. Xanax definitely helped. I was calm and I felt normal for the first time in a week, but I didn't want to jinx it. Eventually we made it to the apartment on Saturday. Unpacked, went shopping, but I still had the nagging homesickness feeling. It also rained the entire time which didn't help. It took four Xanax's to make it through from Thursday to Saturday night when my parents finally said good-bye.

Adjusting

That night my Master's family was having a poker night and I wasn't ready to sleep at my apartment yet. We headed over to his house for some food and socialization. I felt okay by the time I got there. The next day we hung out with his family and I spent the night at his house again because I felt homesick most of the day. The next day he dropped me off at my apartment and I figured out that it wasn't so bad being alone. I took a really nice hot shower, did some errands, hung out with m Master and then decided to get a TV. Yes. I bought my very first 42" VIZIO TV with my Master. (Thanks M. ) Yesterday I did nearly nothing.

Identity Theft

Due to the fact that someone has been using the same SSN as mine, I have not been able to start working. That's right... I have a brand new apartment and 42" TV, but no income. Am I scared? Yes. Am I going psychotic again... thank God no. But I am angry. For Monday it was fine. Tuesday okay. Today I'm getting antsy. I'm supposed to be starting my big girl job, but I can't until this gets worked out. I have bills I need to pay now and I'm going to get bored and experience increased homesickness if I keep sitting in my apartment all day... like I am now a little. 

The main point of this post is that I'm feeling normal again. I have some homesickness, but nothing out of the ordinary. I'm not crying anymore and I'm excited that I have my own apartment. Now if only my job would start, and I could afford a few more pieces of furniture. lol

Here's to an new adventure with my Master : ) I am no longer in a LDR!!!

...It's bad...

I don't know what happened. It seems like once I really started crying I just couldn't stop. My mom and dad keep telling me to do this and everyone else says I should be soooo excited, but I havn't been able to stop crying since friday. Give or take an hour or two. I've been completely depressed and I don't know how to shake it. I want to be happy and excited. I want to be okay, but I'm not. I have this terrible gut wrenching feeling of depression and loneliness. I don't remember ever feeling this bad. If I move out on my own I know it would be good for me.

But I can't get over the feeling that somethings very wrong. I can't pack, I can't call to set up my utilities and I haven't been happy in days.

What's wrong with me?

I want to be with Him so bad, but my feelings seem to be trumping that. I don't know what to do. I wish I could just cheer up.

I guess the bottom line is that I don't want to go, but then I'm afraid of what would happen in my relationship if I don't. I have the opportunity to be with Him after 6 years finally, but I can't stop freaking crying.

I feel like I jumped track somewhere. That I took a wrong turn. My life was going smooth and I was pretty happy. And now I can't seem to shake this extreme depression.

Honim Myo - From This Moment On

Last night and this morning I had feelings of dread. I thought I was better, but now it's back.  It's like a cancer eating away at me. I'm trying to think positive. I'm trying to see the light in the darkness. I have so much going for me yet I can't get out of this mood or rid myself of negative thoughts.

I have a job in a bad job market where I'm going to learn marketable skills. 

I am in good health.

I'm moving near the man that I love and will for the rest of my life finally after 6 years of distance.

I'm 22, but I am independent and stable in my life and career. 

I have a lot of potential, although I'm not sure how to use it. 

All this is true and then this little thought claws it's way through my mind.... I'm going to miss my family, my house, my neighborhood, my friends, my dog and cat and my community. I love this place.

I haven't been happy without my Master though since he moved when we were 16 and now that that's changing I don't think I'll be happy without my family. I'm torn. My stomach literally feels that way. I wish I could  have everyone together, but isn't always as kind and as easy as that and you'd think I'd know that by now.

I have a future and I'm at a crossroads. The path I choose to go is my decision. I want help, I want to be happy, but unfortunately the only person that can make an ultimate decision is myself and I have always been bad at making decisions for myself. I'm a submissive! It's just who I am.

I have an apartment now. I just have to pack my stuff and move in which I'm finding nearly impossible to start.

I'm trying to look forward positively and with an open heart and mind, but I'll I can see is fog, dirt, a blurriness in my future. Maybe that's what scares me.

I'm going to be thinking about this term Honim Myo - From this moment on, all day today while I work. I will also be thinking of my Master's saying "It will all Work Out". Because I find relief and peace in his words. I find a calm when he talks to me.

Honim Myo - From This Moment On

A Support System Made of Steal

I went to see my Master this Monday and look for apartments. Sunday night was the last bad meltdown I had. I think I've started the "numb" stage of this whole thing or maybe I'm finally getting excited?

 This is in Two Parts. Part 1: An Update; Part 2: A Mental Update.

Part 1:

Monday morning I got up early to drive the three hours to my new community in order to sign some papers and then go look for apartments. The first place we went to look at (which sounded amazing online) looked like an oasis in the middle of poverty. We tried to enter the clubhouse, but the leasing staff had gone on a 2 hour lunch break. After driving through the complex and observing the cars and run down homes in the area Master said "I don't even want to look at those apartments. I don't want you living there." I agreed.

We moved on to another apartment complex in a different area. As soon as we started down the road where they were located, I could tell I would like the area. The community had a very family friendly upper middle class vibe with decent homes and a park on a lake down the way. The apartment complex was well manicured and huge. None of the apartments backed into a run down neighborhood or a highway. I saw signs for watch kids at play and noticed the vehicles were decent.

The clubhouse was gorgeous and the leasing agent explained that they were putting a library upstairs. Of course my eyes lite up and Master looked at me and smiled because he knows how much of a book worm I can be. We toured a renovated and renovated apartment. I fell in love with the renovated one and didn't stay in the un-renovated one for more then 2 minutes. you could smell the smoke from the last tenet and Master and I are allergic.

After looking and practically falling in love with the renovated apartment (which was perfectly in my price range), we went up the road to our favorite Greek place (which it just happened to be near). We talked about it enjoyed a meal and spent the rest of the night relaxing and *cough*cough* having fun... at his house.

The next morning I had to get up and come home.

Part 2:

Here is an update on my mental state of everything. I have now finally breached the threshold and I am more excited than full of anxiety, but it’s a 60/40 relationship. I spent yesterday in a depressive/numb state. On my way home I cried every now and then, especially when a song about home or missing something or change came on the radio.

I kind of went through the day in a daze. It felt like a mental purgatory. I didn’t know what my next emotion would be I just kind of existed. I watched a cute movie which lifted my spirits a little and went to work still in a daze. I had one table that only ordered martinis and had been there for only 45 minutes when my manager told me to go home and get some rest. Was I that zombie like? When I got home I found something else to watch until my parents got home.

I told them about the apartment and confessed that I didn’t really want to move because I would miss everyone too much. I started crying. I never never never cry in front of my parents or anyone else except for Master. Mom looked at Dad and said “This is just like what happened when she was 12.” I couldn’t help but laugh a little with tears running down my face because of the irony. If you read an earlier post of mine you’ll understand. (Post Titled: HugeChanges in 2012) I looked at Dad and said “Well you can’t teach me how to drive this time so what else are you going to do?”

Dad told me to take on baby step at a time and look at it as if I was going away to college (which I didn’t have an issues adjusting too). I had already been told this many times, and it is always hard to not think so far into the future. He told me to distract myself. Go the library, join a gym, enjoy my time with my bf, and decorate the apartment. He said that I can always come home. I went for a car ride with him to pick up my sister and after I got home I did feel a little better. We went over paper work, talked about the apartment and decided that my family would come look at it with me on Saturday and explore the area.

This morning I woke up not feeling so bad. I nearly felt normal.  Dad also started talking about how I could start investing in foreclosures and then rent them out to earn extra income. That got my brain working as well.

I just filled out the application for the apartment and I feel like I can start packing. 

As of right now I feel okay. Thinking about missing my family and friends doesn’t make me start crying which is good. I’m trying to only think of the next thing that needs to be completed and not about next week or the weeks after that. I’m focused on the moment and right now I am writing which is my safe haven from the world. 

I am content and excited about what comes next.

P.S. Thank you for the kind comments! They really do help tremendously.  

I commented on kitten for Sir's blog earlier that even inspiring words from complete strangers can change your mental outlook on things.

<3 Ellie

It will all work out... because we love eachother.

Day 4... I'll Be Okay?

This is going to be a quick post because I have to get ready for work.

I woke up this morning not feeling as bad. The defining silence was back, but I had no real urges to cry. The heavy chest feeling is still there though and my stomach..ugh don't get me started. Waitressing seems to help. Work helps get my mind off of things. I have friends there too so a shift is not without laughter. When I'm around people I forget unless it's my family or bf. I spent a ton of time with my family last night which was fun. Our power had gone out so there was nothing else to do but spend time together.

I feel like as long as I don't second guess this, and everyone is supportive like they have been I will be okay.

I really hate to sound like "poor me" and I hope this isn't coming off like that. Writing out what I'm really thinking helps a tremendous amount.  

I know I will be okay.

 

One of my friends just had the first guy she's ever loved move to california ... we are on the east coast. Another one of my friends has a very unsupportive family and if you count my bf's family, I have two! (Give or take a few disagreements) So many people can't even find a job like this, and have to deal with not seeing their family, but once a year.

 

I am very lucky and I feel like I just need to remember that.