A Support System Made of Steal

I went to see my Master this Monday and look for apartments. Sunday night was the last bad meltdown I had. I think I've started the "numb" stage of this whole thing or maybe I'm finally getting excited?

 This is in Two Parts. Part 1: An Update; Part 2: A Mental Update.

Part 1:

Monday morning I got up early to drive the three hours to my new community in order to sign some papers and then go look for apartments. The first place we went to look at (which sounded amazing online) looked like an oasis in the middle of poverty. We tried to enter the clubhouse, but the leasing staff had gone on a 2 hour lunch break. After driving through the complex and observing the cars and run down homes in the area Master said "I don't even want to look at those apartments. I don't want you living there." I agreed.

We moved on to another apartment complex in a different area. As soon as we started down the road where they were located, I could tell I would like the area. The community had a very family friendly upper middle class vibe with decent homes and a park on a lake down the way. The apartment complex was well manicured and huge. None of the apartments backed into a run down neighborhood or a highway. I saw signs for watch kids at play and noticed the vehicles were decent.

The clubhouse was gorgeous and the leasing agent explained that they were putting a library upstairs. Of course my eyes lite up and Master looked at me and smiled because he knows how much of a book worm I can be. We toured a renovated and renovated apartment. I fell in love with the renovated one and didn't stay in the un-renovated one for more then 2 minutes. you could smell the smoke from the last tenet and Master and I are allergic.

After looking and practically falling in love with the renovated apartment (which was perfectly in my price range), we went up the road to our favorite Greek place (which it just happened to be near). We talked about it enjoyed a meal and spent the rest of the night relaxing and *cough*cough* having fun... at his house.

The next morning I had to get up and come home.

Part 2:

Here is an update on my mental state of everything. I have now finally breached the threshold and I am more excited than full of anxiety, but it’s a 60/40 relationship. I spent yesterday in a depressive/numb state. On my way home I cried every now and then, especially when a song about home or missing something or change came on the radio.

I kind of went through the day in a daze. It felt like a mental purgatory. I didn’t know what my next emotion would be I just kind of existed. I watched a cute movie which lifted my spirits a little and went to work still in a daze. I had one table that only ordered martinis and had been there for only 45 minutes when my manager told me to go home and get some rest. Was I that zombie like? When I got home I found something else to watch until my parents got home.

I told them about the apartment and confessed that I didn’t really want to move because I would miss everyone too much. I started crying. I never never never cry in front of my parents or anyone else except for Master. Mom looked at Dad and said “This is just like what happened when she was 12.” I couldn’t help but laugh a little with tears running down my face because of the irony. If you read an earlier post of mine you’ll understand. (Post Titled: HugeChanges in 2012) I looked at Dad and said “Well you can’t teach me how to drive this time so what else are you going to do?”

Dad told me to take on baby step at a time and look at it as if I was going away to college (which I didn’t have an issues adjusting too). I had already been told this many times, and it is always hard to not think so far into the future. He told me to distract myself. Go the library, join a gym, enjoy my time with my bf, and decorate the apartment. He said that I can always come home. I went for a car ride with him to pick up my sister and after I got home I did feel a little better. We went over paper work, talked about the apartment and decided that my family would come look at it with me on Saturday and explore the area.

This morning I woke up not feeling so bad. I nearly felt normal.  Dad also started talking about how I could start investing in foreclosures and then rent them out to earn extra income. That got my brain working as well.

I just filled out the application for the apartment and I feel like I can start packing. 

As of right now I feel okay. Thinking about missing my family and friends doesn’t make me start crying which is good. I’m trying to only think of the next thing that needs to be completed and not about next week or the weeks after that. I’m focused on the moment and right now I am writing which is my safe haven from the world. 

I am content and excited about what comes next.

P.S. Thank you for the kind comments! They really do help tremendously.  

I commented on kitten for Sir's blog earlier that even inspiring words from complete strangers can change your mental outlook on things.

<3 Ellie