It will all work out... because we love eachother.

Day 4... I'll Be Okay?

This is going to be a quick post because I have to get ready for work.

I woke up this morning not feeling as bad. The defining silence was back, but I had no real urges to cry. The heavy chest feeling is still there though and my stomach..ugh don't get me started. Waitressing seems to help. Work helps get my mind off of things. I have friends there too so a shift is not without laughter. When I'm around people I forget unless it's my family or bf. I spent a ton of time with my family last night which was fun. Our power had gone out so there was nothing else to do but spend time together.

I feel like as long as I don't second guess this, and everyone is supportive like they have been I will be okay.

I really hate to sound like "poor me" and I hope this isn't coming off like that. Writing out what I'm really thinking helps a tremendous amount.  

I know I will be okay.

 

One of my friends just had the first guy she's ever loved move to california ... we are on the east coast. Another one of my friends has a very unsupportive family and if you count my bf's family, I have two! (Give or take a few disagreements) So many people can't even find a job like this, and have to deal with not seeing their family, but once a year.

 

I am very lucky and I feel like I just need to remember that.

Deafining Silence

This is day three waking up feeling this way. I always wake up feeling a sense of emptiness. It’s quit in my house. My brother and sister are at school and my mom and dad are at work. I haven’t seen Mom iand Dad in a few days because I’m always at work when they get home and I get home when their already in bed. It always quiet when I wake up and lately since I got this job the silence is defining. Maybe when I’m waking up next to M (that’s what I call him in public) everyday I’ll feel better. I’m not sure if it’s because I feel lonely or if I just miss them already. I like to surround myself with family usually.

All I know is that I can’t seem to shake this feeling. I’m not really crying this morning so that’s a good thing and M is trying to help me stay positive, distracted, and happy. I’ve noticed this and I’m ever so thankful for how supportive he is and how he is there for me.

I want to write a book, but I’m not sure about what. I think if I start doing this it will make me feel better. I don’t know. Writing kind of makes me feel better. That’s why I am doing it first thing this morning.

My question is how long is this going to last? My stomach has been acting up again too. First time in a long time. Probably because of how stressed I have been. I really don’t want to deal with being sick all 

the time again. So how can I keep myself happy and positive. Right now I’m trying to be positive.

It’s an adventure.

I’ll be with M finally.

It’my first big girl job.

I’ll get my own place that I can decorate and make comfy.

I’m really thinking I’m going to need a dog. Their therapeutic.

This is going to be a difficult, but exciting process.

New Years Resolutions

A more positive blog after the last one...

I've always told myself that I don't make resolutions because if I call it that I will never stick with it; however, maybe I've just been making the wrong one's?

This year I am starting a new. I am moving to a different state. I'm starting a career and hopefully soon a family.

I think since I'm am starting with a clean slate and a new life I have so many opprtuniites and advantages.

In 2011 I lost weight... not to my goal, but I did pretty well. I am eating better. I graduated from college, I got good grades, I sought out my first job by myself and won it, and I took a vacation for myself. I think I need to focus on my mental health this year.

~ I want to work on my anxiety. It's not as persistent as it was a few years ago. In fact it only shows up when big things happen in my life now. The little things don't bother me so much anymore, but I want it out of my life forever.(And these mood swings are killing me).

~ I'm moving in with my bf/Master.... finally. I want to provide a comfortable, stable and happy home with warm meals for both me and my love. After all this will be a new adventure for both of us. We are in it together. 

~ I want to write again. I want to write a lot. I miss it. It makes me feel better and it really helps to get my thoughts and emotions straight.

~ I think I'm going to start a blog that my family can read to keep in touch with them. I can post pictures and other things.

I can't really think of much else... I'm going to steal a fellow bloggers idea and surround myself with happy positive people as well as try to be more positive. It's easier to be when you are surrounded by them.

Huge Changes in 2012

This isn't a very happy post, it's really just to get my feelings out... just a forewarning. 

Like I always say, I've always been better at writing my feelings then talking about them.

When I was 12 I graduated from elementary school if you can call it graduating. For the next two weeks I found myself constantly crying and thinking about the future and growing older or growing-up. My Dad took my out to an empty parking lot and told me to get into the drivers seat. As I pressed the accelerator and then proceeded to break too hard my Dad told me that there is a lot to look forward to and that there is no reason to be upset. At 16 I get to drive, at 18 I get to go off to college, I get to travel, and at 21 I get to drink and then have my own family someday.

Sitting here on the verge of one of the biggest life changes thus far, I can’t help but think back to that. The same feelings are coming back. I ‘m 22 and all I think about is how I don’t want to grow up. I don’t want to get older. 

I got a “big girl job”. The job isn’t so glamorous, but I can’t really complain. The benefits are excellent, and there is plenty of opportunity for growth I took this job 3 hours away where my bf lives.  I’m moving out for the first time away from my entire family and all of my friends.

 I’m having trouble coping with the idea of leaving my family. I’m constantly crying, I feel sick all the time and I can’t shake the anxiety or depression. The idea of not seeing my sister through her highschool years, (She’s my best friend), not enjoying a glass of wine with my parents, and not celebrating little and great achievements at my grandmothers with the rest of my family is tearing me apart. My brother isn’t even really moving away. He is going to a school near home. It’s not really that I don’t want to move out it’s just the fact that I won’t be able to play video games with my brother or joke around with him, and I won’t be able to hang out with my sister or give my family random hug attacks like I like to do. I’m a stubborn and independent person, but I’m also very family oriented. If I move I feel like I have no family or I’ll need to start my own from the ground up.

That’s another thing that is causing such great anxiety in me. I don’t want to be in my late 20’s when I finally have children, and I don’t want to be the last to be engaged or get married. I have a fear that I’m going to have to wait a long time before I can start my own family. I guess right now it’s important to figure out what I want in life.

I’m in love with this man. I’m moving to him.

I want to be engaged.

I want kids and a family.

I want a dog.

I want a fulfilled life.

Right now… I don’t feel it and I can’t picture it. I guess that’s what’s scaring me.

I picture an apartment, kind of empty, lacking light, grey walls. The only source of happiness is that fact that I get to see my bf everyday. My family isn’t there. No pets, and all I do is work and come home.

 I can’t picture anything else. I guess it’s part of having anxiety. It’s terrible. I wish it would go away and I wish I could think normally. I’m trying, but every time I picture what makes me happy or cheers me up it’s my family and then I start getting upset again.It feels as though I'm going to die or I'm getting close to it it is one of my greatest fears. I know it's not rational to think that way though.

I know I will be fine, and I know it’s not like I’m never going to see my family again. Everyone is excited for me and I feel like I should be excited, but I’m finding it hard to get to the excitement that’s buried under these heavy feelings.

How do I stop this anxiety? How do I shake it? I feel alone. I know I'm not, but that's what anxiety does.

It's good to be back = )

So it's been awhile and I apologize. After graduating time and life became a blurr and before I knew it I had a million different things going on at once. I am no longer a "college" kinkster. I am an adult; as I will be 22 in a few days.

I am still with my Master. I am still submissive. I am still a vibrant and intellectual young women.  I miss writing on here which is why I'm starting back up again.

I really want some real life friends interested in this lifestyle. It's hard to find them. I could be working with some and never know it. We like to hide our lives because of the pressures of the outside world which is why I feel lonely in this lifestyle sometimes.

Sooooo if you live in the Richmond area, let me know. I really want to chat. (and I mean girls not guys).

What happens after Happily Ever After?

Do you ever notice how about 99% of movies and stories end with a happy ending? The guy gets the girls... the world is saved from the aliens... the bad guy dies... the superhero clears his name... but what happens after?

In the real world there will always be mishaps and wrong turns, mistakes and tears... but in the end maybe the happily ever after is going through that stuff with the person you love.

I had a great weekend with Him once again. Always when we are together its easy. When we are apart it feels like someone or something is ripping away at my soul.

This past week before He came to visit I spent 4 days in my bed watching "Friends" re-runs and playing video games. I developed insomnia making it almost 4am before I could fall asleep at night. Then on Thursday He was here with me.

When we are together it's amazing. When He has to leave I feel like I won't be whole again. My chest gets tight.. tears well up and I wonder when we will get our happily ever after.

Even through tears and pain of saying good-bye there is also the amazing feeling of seeing Him again, hugging and kissing Him hello.

I <3 Him.