It's good to be back = )

So it's been awhile and I apologize. After graduating time and life became a blurr and before I knew it I had a million different things going on at once. I am no longer a "college" kinkster. I am an adult; as I will be 22 in a few days.

I am still with my Master. I am still submissive. I am still a vibrant and intellectual young women.  I miss writing on here which is why I'm starting back up again.

I really want some real life friends interested in this lifestyle. It's hard to find them. I could be working with some and never know it. We like to hide our lives because of the pressures of the outside world which is why I feel lonely in this lifestyle sometimes.

Sooooo if you live in the Richmond area, let me know. I really want to chat. (and I mean girls not guys).

What happens after Happily Ever After?

Do you ever notice how about 99% of movies and stories end with a happy ending? The guy gets the girls... the world is saved from the aliens... the bad guy dies... the superhero clears his name... but what happens after?

In the real world there will always be mishaps and wrong turns, mistakes and tears... but in the end maybe the happily ever after is going through that stuff with the person you love.

I had a great weekend with Him once again. Always when we are together its easy. When we are apart it feels like someone or something is ripping away at my soul.

This past week before He came to visit I spent 4 days in my bed watching "Friends" re-runs and playing video games. I developed insomnia making it almost 4am before I could fall asleep at night. Then on Thursday He was here with me.

When we are together it's amazing. When He has to leave I feel like I won't be whole again. My chest gets tight.. tears well up and I wonder when we will get our happily ever after.

Even through tears and pain of saying good-bye there is also the amazing feeling of seeing Him again, hugging and kissing Him hello.

I <3 Him.

Changes...

It's been a while..

I graduated... I've had a million life experiences shoved into two months since.

Tonight I sit here. Sick to my stomach. Unable to stop crying. Unable to sleep. I'm not hormonal right now... I'm not irrational... I am fearing and grieving. I am sad and confused.

Relationships are painful. Mostly because you can't read the other persons mind. I may be a submissive, but in the real world our feelings are just like every other vanilla persons out there.

I've grown. I'm changing. I'm an adult and I'm ready to live my life. 

I don't know what to do. I've prayed. I need help and guidance. I feel alone. I feel like I'm crying out and no one can hear me. I haven't felt like this is a long long time.

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God has mysterious ways of doing things... it's about 3 hours, a best friend conversation and a major sign from  God later.

I'm sorry I'm like this. I just really love you and I don't understand some things or decisions, but I'm gonna trust that we'll end up happy and love each for the rest of our lives. We need to bring God back into our relationship.

I may get depressed about it again, but it's because I care. I care enough to make sure I get to have you in my life forever.

I miss you more then you know. <3 Your Buttafwy

Where Do I Go From Here?

Within four weeks my life has changed dramatically. I wrote little blurbs in a word document to keep up for my next blog post, but now it's a short novels length so I will quickly sum everything up.

An impeccably long list of recent life changing experiences.   

1. I'm waiting in the lobby to take an exam and a pirate walks through the door. All decked out in Pirate gear, straight out of Pirates of the Caribbean. He winked at me and continued walking.
2. I experienced my first tornado. It landed right in front of my apartment building. We get an alert text from my University telling us to seek shelter... and what do all the college students do? Run outside to gawk at the tornado forming above our heads. I landed in the field across from us. I had nightmares for a week.
3.  Osama is "dead". According to news reports; my generations face of fear is gone for good. I put it in quotation marks for those who think he's being interrogated in some super secret United States underground bunker. 
4. Run-In with Cops #1: I got yelled at by a cop. This is what happened: I stopped for a second to pick up a friend and got out to shuffle a few things in the back seat to make room. All of a sudden I hear "What do you think your doing?! You can't just park here like this! You better move this car or else! That's why we have loading zones! Use some common sense GEEZ!" I was scared. I jumped in my car, drove to a parking spot and cried. He freaking all out yelled at me. He didn't even give me a chance. I proceeded to call campus police and report him. : )
5. Run-In with Cops #2: I went home for a little before graduation and went to my cousins dance recital. My mom decided to drive my grandmothers car. It was dark, the lights were supposed to be automatic. She keep saying..."are the lights on? Watch a cop pull me over! I can't see!" Grandma was in the passengers seat gripping the car going "Well that's not good!" My sister and I are in the back laughing our asses off and what  makes it better??? Flashing blue lights! Mom proceeds to say "told ya." The cop walks up, my sister and I are trying to suppress our uncontrollable laughter as mom explains the situation to the cop. "I didn't know where the lights are because it's not my car..." the cops says well lets turn those on before we get back on the road." He clicks them on for mom and then lets us go. The whole time we could see he was trying to suppress his laughter as well.
6. Whew....... anyway.... my Dad also went on a white water rafting trip on class four rapids, fell out, got pulled under twice, scraped the crap out of his body and still survived. His many years of scouting, military and survival training had nothing to do with it (sarcasm). Thank God.
7. I graduated. The ceremony was four hours and 1,000 people got their degree. I don't feel any more intelligent then I did in high school.Why didn't I go for psychology or English? My grandmother had a family party for me at her house that had catered food. All of which was delicious. I also am no longer a poor college student. I am a rich graduate. (I forgot people get money when they graduate.)
8. I come home to find out my parents not only bought a new car, but my little brother has his license. Weird. 
9. They also got rid of the satellite and phones. We now have internet TV which basically means all we have is netflix which only plays old movies and reruns of TV shows. ick. On a side note I watched the entire series of Dollhouse which I became quickly addicted to.
10. I found out not an hour ago that a friend from high school (whom I rather envied for always being himself and not giving a fuck as to who judged him for it) passed away. I found out on the news feed of my facebook where I also found out he had been at a local underground club last night. I'm sad we didn't keep in touch after high school. Who knows? We may have had more in common then I thought. RIP M.S.

That is basically the timeline of the past few weeks. I have more to write about how my life is changing significantly and I can feel a change in my personality as well. I'll write about that in another post.

Role Reversal Without Even Realizing

Today is Monday. Personally, this is no ordinary Monday. This is the last Monday of taking classes I will every have. I sit here and it's almost surreal. I don't feel like I am graduating, but come May 14th I will no longer be a student. Scary.

The other day Master and I were talking about the future and such. We realized something. We are both currently at different levels of education. Nether of us is more intelligent then the other (there is a pleasant balance); however, we learn and go through school differnelty. I am very proactive and fast paced in the way I do things where as He takes His time, He is patient (a quality I envy) and He works very hard to complete the task at hand.

It turns out I do have a dominant position in the relationship. When it comes to education, I know what it takes, where to go, how to plan it out (hints graduating in 3 years), but when it comes to street smarts and useful everyday social skills and knowledge, he has me beat. When we are apart, I have mostly the handle on the relationship. When we are together... I am in His domain.

Our relationship is so much more then a power exchange. It's a balance. Where I am shy, he is outgoing. Where I know how to beat the system, He knows how to apply knowledge. Where I need help keeping control, He is control. 

Yin and Yang, Sun and Moon, Dawn and Dusk, Boy and Girl, Dom and sub.

I love our relationship. After 6 years I can still say it is for lack of a better word. Perfect.

Love You Master

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Forever Your Darling Butterfly

Count down to graduation....with attitude.

I have been super busy with school, looking for jobs, and my organizations. That's why I dropped form the radar

First thing I want to write about is my visit to see Master this past weekend. It was short and bitter-sweet as always.

The moment I got there he came out to greet me and get my luggage, but once the door closed he did something I didn't expect.

Right away He told me to get in the waiting position and wait for Him.

He walked away and put my luggage in my room. I had an adrenaline rush because he never took control like that right away before. I sat there in anticipation.

He came back and told me to crawl to His room. I gave Him an are-you-serious look and He gave me His better-do-it-or-else look. I crawled into His room and he followed behind me a shut the door. I sat there and He came up behind me petting me and calling me a good girl. (I llllloooovvveeee when he does that. It's so comforting.)

and then... the rest is, well, self explanatory. hehe

I loved that, but it soon trailed off/lost steam. Sometimes He does that.

I figured out that my reaction to Him not being consistent in His was is acting like a total brat.

I get bitchy and bratty. It's an instant reaction. It's like words come out of my mouth before I think. I really really don't mean too, but I feel like when He's not controlling me or He's allowing the bitchy attitude to continue, it gets worse. I can't stop being bratty. I don't know why and then I always feel bad later.

Well the beginning of the weekend was great when it came to the domination, but after we were done having sex, it was over. So the whole weekend I had an attitude. I know I did and I feel bad about it. Then the next night I kept complaining that I wanted an orgasm. Finally He said get the handcuffs and your rabbit, which I did. I laid down on the bed as He put his rechargeable batteries in it (I can't afford batteries right now) He walked over and handcuffed me to the bed. Then proceeded to throw the rabbit on the floor and start fucking me himself.

The fucker tricked me!

I was a little peeved, but I liked it. hehe. I wasn't going to admit that at the time. It was like and sexual interrogation. (Okay sounds kinda dorky, but whatever)

Anyway, the last night I was there I got sick, again. It happened the last time I was about to leave Him, the last like three times. Pattern?

I think I get sick everytime we leave eachother because I'm tired of it. The panic and anxiety of having to say good-bye causes me to get sick. Ugh.

Anyway, I have a ton of work and three weeks to do it until I graduate, so I may be AFK (gamer geek language for away from keyboard) for a little. Don't hesitate to e-mail me if you feel like talking : )

<3 Ellie

Control...isn't that what we are all after?

Control over...

Emotions
Weight
Homework
People
Society
Politics
War
Hunger
Poverty
Clutter
Ourselves
Dietary habits
Exercise habits
Appearance

I feel that I have control over none of these things therefore I relinquish it to Him.

Miss you <3