Masquerade, Hurricanes and Giant Anal Beads

My life is busy so this post is a little over due...

Where do I begin...

Friday 10/26

I went to see M this weekend and we were both way overly excited to see each other. I couldn't have gotten out of work faster on Friday to drive the few hours.  As I drove my heartbeat picked up pace. I knew what was waiting for me at the end of my journey. M would be standing outside as I drove up his driveway eager to get his hands on me after three weeks.

Earlier that day he had called me eager to tell me about the new toys he had bought for us to play with. A blindfold, new anal beads (small ones, mine had broke previously) and then giant anal beads. (Is it still a bead if it's giant?).

When I got there we couldn't keep our hands off each other. When we went up into his room he immediately told me to kneel at the end of the bed. I waited and watched him move around the room as my legs fell asleep beneath me. He finally walked over to me. I took off a ring I was wearing and placed it on the edge of the bed. He looked at me and said "Did I tell you you could move." Oh, yeah. He was definitely in the mood. I placed my ring back on and he started to undress me. He got out the ropes and tied them around the bed. He proceeded to tie one of my hands to one side and my other hand to the other side so that I was kneeling, helplessly tied to the end of the bed.

He then blindfolded and ball gagged me. Then place anal beds in my ass slowly. He played with my body and then he tried to hypnotize me again which worked and didn't work at the same time. I went under, couldn't move, felt relaxed, but I didn't fall asleep and I remembered most everything he said.

Finally after playing with me some more he untied me and fucked me. It felt sooo good.

Saturday 10/27

We slept hard and woke up around 8:30 to get some Starbucks and search for our Halloween costumes for this huge Halloween party they were having in our area. After much shopping around and goofing off in the Halloween stores and mall we decided to go as Venetians. Our decision was very much inspired by Assassins Creed. Our costumes were amazing. He looked so hot in his...sorry girl moment haha.

Anyway... it finally got to be that time to meet up with people and go to the massive party (5000 people, not exaggerating). The wind was kicking up a little as the clouds from Hurricane Sandy started to hover over us. There were all kinds of different party areas, entertainment and costumes. They had strippers and the famed grinder girls, skrillix, lmafo, industrial rave music. --Not a complete sentence, but you get the point. IT WAS AWESOME.

We were pleasantly surprised when we walked through two of the areas. The first one was a spanking both. Yes! An actual spanking both with FemDoms willing to whip some poor shmucks ass. I of course was way to shy/scared to go up there. Especially afraid that one of our friends would notice or see.

Another room had a girl cuffed to a spider web like chain set up. The Dom was using electricity on her and she was very obviously enjoying this. This room was tiny, there was a leather bench/spanking table of some sort that I was glade to sit down on because my heels were killing me. We had broken away from our group on purpose and there weren't very many people in the room due to the nature of the performers. I was very relaxed as we watched the show. This girl squirmed and squealed at every shock followed by a very satisfied giggle or smile from the Dom.

I looked around the room at everyones faces as they watched the girl. I love people watching. Their faces said it all. Some were obviously experienced. They were critiquing with their eyes and serious. Others were excited. Many walked in the room for two seconds mouthed omg or what. Their eyes would get wide and they would stare and then quickly leave or get pulled out by their friend saying lets go. This particular couple caught me off guard. They were very mainstream looking. Very frat boy and sorority girl, but they sat there at least as long as M and I did and watched. The girl sat on his lap and had a very submissiveness to her.

I wore my mask the entire time. I am way to afraid of being recognized. I'm a bit ashamed of being afraid to let people know who I am, but I just honestly don't want the drama that could stem from it which has caused me to become overly paranoid.  M says I had my mask on at the beginning of the night because I was hiding in general. Which he was right. I have a slight social anxiety.

Anyway, as the night progressed we chilled in a stripper area. My feet were killing me and I had been stumbling worse then the drunk people on my heels even though I was not even the slightest bit buzzed. (I am trying not to drink to see if it effects my anxiety, but that's a different story.) So I sit down and look to my right and these people are having sex, under the girls cape sitting on the guy cowgirl style. You couldn't really see anything, but they were definitely fucking. I stealthily took out my cell phone to record.. don't judge me haha... but it was too dark to see anything.

Sunday 10/28

Now I am continuing to write this post a whole two weeks later so the details are a bit fuzzy now. M got me these giant anal beads which we decided to play with. To my surprise I was almost able to take them all except for the last two, but the sensation was amazing. So amazing that the minute they were in my ass I felt that I was going to come just from that.

Under His Control...Literally

This is my second post and an entirely new subject.

hyp·no·sis [hip-noh-sis]

noun, plural hyp·no·ses [-seez] 

1. an artificially induced trance state resembling sleep, characterized by heightened susceptibility to suggestion.

It's absolutely exhilarating. Did I think it would really work, I had my doubts and so did he, but when I came out of it I couldn't figure out if it was real or I had been struck by the placebo effect.

M visited me this weekend and had suggested that he wanted to try hypnosis on me. I thought it would be fun, but when it came down to it he changed his mind. I kept asking why and he said he was fighting with his conscious. I think having that much control over me scared Him. He loves me dearly and I think he likes that I am able to make my own choices, but the primal dominant side wanted to be able to give me a command that I would complete without question. (I say no and wine alot) 

I wanted Him to try it and honestly the idea turned me on. Plus I was feeling really anxious about some issues I was having at work. I felt the anxiety was taking over me. I finally looked at him and said can you do it so I can relax and relax I did.

He has a natural soothing tone to him. His voice has always been extremely calming to me so I should have known that it would work.

He counted down telling me to relax my feet and legs and that's all I remember about the count down...lol

Then I remember somethings he said I guess after I was under. I remember Him saying I will remember he said these things, but it's kind of a dream like memory. I remember telling me that when he says an Italian word I will instantly relax and be happy or something like that.... I remember Him saying that I will do everything he says without question and that I can't say no to Him. 

And then I remember opening my eyes and Him staring at me. At first I was like why are you looking at me weird and then I remembered what was happening. 

And from that point on I couldn't say No. He told me to do things and I wanted to. And even if my mind told me I didn't want to I wanted to make Him happy. And when I really really didn't want to do something and I tried to deny Him I couldn't. It was weird. Like I forgot how to say No or couldn't get the words together, kind of like how when your trying to remember a word and you say "it's at the tip of my tongue" but it never comes. 

But it was a liberating feeling. To be truly submissive and not be able to make excuses. I have found that I can beg and say no at indirect commands, but I can't directly say no and then it just becomes easier to do the task. 

  

I found this out because He told me to get nipple piercings, which I really, really don't want.  I tried to say no, but I couldn't get it out. I wanted to get them pierced, but my head was freaking out. It's a weird sensation when you want something, but don't at the same time. I begged. Instead of saying no I manged to say "please don't make me" in which M replied "okay". I have to beg now if I don't want something. I can't just say no. I have to put all new words together; however it comes out more polite and respectful then my typical attitude ridden no's used to.

My libido is back, I am more relaxed now... I don't know why I am more relaxed considering I don't think that has anything to do with his "You have to do whatever I say" command, but there is something different inside me and I like it.  It's freeing. 

If He could do that every time I felt full of anxiety I would never have to live with that dreadful feeling again.  It's an exciting ability M has, but scary with all that power... that's what turns me on the most. Thank God I can trust Him! 

I'm curious about others experience with hypnosis. I love you M. This is an exciting new area of exploration for the both of us!

<3 br="br" ellie="ellie">

Dear Anne Rice... You took the words right out of my mouth!

 My life has once again become filled with flavor, adrenaline, and light. My weekend was absolutely exhilarating.

I have two topics I want to write about. The first I will write here and the other I will create another post for.

Ever since I found out that Anne Rice (author of Interview With a Vampire/Queen of the Damned), had a pseudonym (like I do!), and wrote erotica novels with D/s themes I have wanted to read them. Today during my lovely hour long lunch at my first real job (p.s. I love btw) I went to Barnes and Noble on a sudden mission to finally purchase these books. I think it was also spurred by inspiration from this passed weekend, but that is what my next post is about... please read it.

Anyway, I literally just got done reading the Preface that Anne Rice wrote for The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty. I had to jump out of my comfy bed blog about it, NOW!

Fifty Shades of Grey has now main streamed BDSM. What used to be in the dark depths of the underground is now coming to light in society and Anne is feeding off of it. She wrote a new Preface for the claiming of Sleeping Beauty this past June and it's by far the best preface I have ever not regretted skipping.

Every word is exactly how I feel about this lifestyle M and I are constantly exploring, it's "play", it's a way to escape reality and it's a way for people who take a lead role in their everyday lives to give in and become the passive one behind the scenes. Seriously, if you want to know how I feel about all of this (BDSM) read my blog or read Anne Rice's latest preface in her new edition of The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty because she sums up my many writings in a few short pages.

She is now someone I aspire to become. I've always wanted to be a writer, but I was always afraid to really write what I wanted to because of giving away my secrets to people I know. Anne talks about how she battled with this and how it was freeing to do it.

Ever since I have come out of the fog I was in a few months ago, things have become clearer. My talents and likes are beginning to seep back into my veins and I feel like myself. Even my  love of writing has been slowly coming back to me. And now that I've gotten a look into the mind of a women that thinks like I do I am more inspired to go for it and finally write that novel I've always wanted to under my pseudonym, Ellie Taylor.

Anne wrote that she had no idea when she wrote Queen of the Damned that Vampires where going to be a big thing, that they were going to go main stream and now she is attributing her new found excitement to Fifty Shades of Grey. Her books that she wrote years ago for an underground world are now seeing the sun.

As much as I disliked Fifty Shades of Grey, I have to say I feel more comfortable about who I am and what I like and what I want to write about then ever before, but don't misconstrue that as I'm going to go shouting to the world that I like to be gagged and told what to do. The world (being my family and friends) are not ready to hear that directly from me, but maybe, just maybe they are ready to hear it from Ellie Taylor.

<3 ellie="ellie" p="p">

 

I love my Job!

So I've done a complete 360 from January. It's beautiful outside, I love my job, I love my home, I love M and I'm loving life right now.

I'm not going to lie, sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me, but I try to take a deep breath, think rationally and now that I have this past year to compare to my current situation it's easier to calm myself and remind myself of how lucky I am.

I spent last weekend with M. We played with our dog, played some lazer tag and kicked ass and hung out with friends. It was the most fun I've had in a while!

<3 br="br" ellie="ellie">

An Introspective Vacation

I'm leaving today for the beach and my grandmothers. I decided I really wanted to go to the beach before my job starts to get some R&R, but apparently I have to go by myself if I'm going to go. M can't go and my family can't go. I do get to hang out with my grandmother who thinks she's 20 something though (she's absolutely hilarious)

I'm feeling anxiety about the whole thing though. I don't know if it's because it will be the first time on my own since the whole disaster of a move or if it's because a 7 1/2 hour drive seems a little intimidating. Or maybe I just really did want M to come. Idk. Usually my intuition like this is a warning sign, but every thinks i need to go and I want to go.

My plan is to learn to meditate, to exercise, to jump back on a good sleep cycle, and to purge myself of all the bad foods I've been eating. I may even try to take a bath or two which I usually find tedious and boring. I got many books from the library which I intend reading also. Basically I'm a go go go person and I'm going to learn to relax again and get away from my stressful household before I start my adult life.

I did the same thing last year and ended up continuing to lose 15 pounds when I got back and I was living in a very happy stress free way while working at the same time. Of course my mood went south and I gained all that weight back, when I moved, but I guess my mission is to find that happy place again where I was getting fit, my emotions felt stable and I was generally a happy girl.

So until next week or whenever I decide to come home = )

<3 ellie="ellie">

P.S. I plan on using Honim Myo meaning from this moment on as my mantra as I learn to meditate. Thanks to "Kitten for Sir" for giving me that one.

101st Post

So it occurred to me that my 100th post was yesterday and it slipped my mind. 100 posts is a lot of writing. Not sure if it's a big deal or not, but people seem to like to point out their mile stone posts. I'm going to point this one out instead.

This is my 101st post!!!!! Yay!!!! 

Okay. Now that that's out of my system. 

This morning I woke up to a text from M. 

"Good morning. When you awaken, take a long walk to the front of your subdivision and back. Then take a shower with your, but plug in your pussy, the clitoral vibrator and play with your ass, then eat two hard boiled eggs. You can only drink water today and three beers or three glasses of wine tonight. When you have done all that I want you to put on your bikini and wash your car with your hands and a rag. After that you may sit down for a few minutes and play Assassins Creed with the butt plug in your pussy. Try to locate the purple one so you can fill both your dirty tight holes. Be a good girl today for me please thank you.  

Master "

 I saw this when I woke up and thought this is new. I liked it because they are tasks to be done and I do them in that order, but I have the freedom to do other things through the day too. All these tasks a re good for my health and also allow me to release sexual energy. I also get to play games too! LDR and D/s is a trick thing, but I think this is along the lines of how it can work. 


When I got up at 10am I went for a long walk, which was a work out. I power walked and worked up a good sweat then I took a shower and since it's noon I requested that I can make a broiled sourdough, goat cheese, spinach and tomato sandwich  with balsamic vinegar to which he said yes. 


Which is what I'm going to do right now since my tummy is growling. 


I miss M and I can't wait to visit him. After I wrote my post yesterday I was afraid of backlash. Anger, resentment or hurting his feelings, but I didn't get any of that and I enjoyed the rest of yesterday talking to him. I also felt much better after writing all that and I think he's glad I did too because he knows that when I write to get things off my mind he understands me more and I am more relaxed.


It's sometimes hard to keep up with these posts, but I think it;s good for me and I'm going to try to write more often.


<3 Ellie

Things are falling into place... for the most part...

I'm home and it feels wonderful. I feel normal, happy and alive again. My anxiety and depression I was feeling are virtually gone. I do however get waves of "omg I'm a grown up" panic occasionally, but I try to change the thought subject.


Since moving home I have been the most relaxed and my thoughts have been the most clear that they have been in a long time.


M, I know your going to read this, but it's like I've always said, I get my thoughts out better on paper.


I love you.


Anyway, things are falling into place. I got a job. A real job... a career. I'm very excited because this job feels like it fits with my major (Business Administration), but I may actually enjoy it. The pay allows me to live like an adult. I'm not moving out of my parents quite yet though (I'm kinda of tired of moving). Here's the thing and it's been on my mind for a while. 


I really really enjoy the D/s relationship that M and I have; however, it seems we cannot commit to it 24/7 and it kind of seems like things fall apart a little if we aren't in D/s mode. This past few days M had been especially dominant and for the first time in a long long time. I was extremely excited about this because just the night before I was thinking about how we don't do that anymore and I really really really wish I could see that side of him again. 


There something about him that I am attracted too when he's dominant. It's not necessarily just the sexual primal side. He's a different person. he's more confident, more mature and has a adult demeanor. Maybe I shouldn't call it dominance. Maybe it something else. It's like he has this inner battle with himself about his life and where's he is going. Much of the time he's hyper, jokes around and plays games... 90% of the time, which is fun and all, but I wish there was more of a 50/50 for the mature side. I feel like he's confused about who he is and the overly hyperness is a wall and a distraction from his current state of being. 


When he's like that it extremely hard for me to see him as a dominant or not even dominant , but a confident growing adult, and then I feel like I get sexually frustrated, turned off and then both of us just get sexually frustrated. 


I got a "big girl" job and in about a year I'll be moving into my own place, I'll have a 401K, stock options and salary. When I was in high school I dreamed about having my own life. Having a career and starting a family. I now have a career and at this point in time it looks like family isn't going happen for a long time.


He's got his own things to worry about, but I'm not going to lie, there feels like there's this void in my heart. We've been together for almost 7 wonderful years now, but we are growing apart in adulthood and I'm scared. 


I want to be with him, but what is holding us from being together? Difference in where we are in our lives. It's not a bad thing we are just different. I desperately want us to be in the same place. 


I'm ready to move to the next level of our relationship, I'm ready to settle down and start thinking about my dream home or the car I'm going to get in the next year. I'm not ready for kids quite yet, but I do want them. I'm ready to start making a family of my own... for real. 


We used to talk hypothetically growing up about the kind of place we want to live and the kids we want to have, the careers we are seeking and now we are at that age where hypothetical talk is being turned into reality... I just don't think he's entirely ready and I've been ready for some time. I think moving to where he's lives is evidence of this.


I don't think he realizes how serious I am or how much this sinking feeling haunts me that he won't ever be where I am.... ready for commitment. It hurts because I love him so much.


It's inevitable that if we won't last if things stay the way they are and it really hurts to think that, but it's reality. We aren't kids  anymore...


My mission here is not to hurt or offend.  I just don't know how to get these feeling out without writing about them.


All my friends who have been in long-term relationship are engaged or married, I can't think of one whose not. Those who don't have someone have new careers and a few are starting to build their homes. I'm ready for that and there isn't anything I want more in the world then to call my high school sweetheart husband, live in a comfortable home, maybe a little ways from the city with our dog, talking about our day and watching a movie or playing a game. That's my dream.


I write all this with a bit of sadness and fear that it may not happen for us, but also excitement and love that we will have this soon.