Submissive Problems...

My Master lives over 2000 miles away.

I can't find the charging cord for my wand.

... I guess my noisy clit vibrator will have to do. 

Renovations

I have had this blog for some time now. With the changes in my life I think it's time I revamp the blog.

I also want to blog regularly. This is funny because it's almost like trying to stick to a New Year's Resolution... It's next to impossible.

Also, because in the next year or so M and I will be living together, I feel the honeymoon experimentation period in the BDSM world is coming to a close. When we live together it will be like putting it all to the test, graduating from school and using the skills and knowledge BDSM learned in the real world.

There are a few changes I will be making on this blog. Not sure what they are yet, but there will be a few, so bare with me through all the changes in backgrounds, styles and content.

Thanks!

<3 ellie="" nbsp="" p="">

Excited and sad...

I woke up this morning excited .. but sad. I feel empty and elated at the same time.

I'm going camping today. I get to wear my cute new workout gear I got from Dick's and hang out with some awesome kids and other people, escape from the life i know fora day. I can breath...sort of. 

Once upon a time he told me he doesn't like weakness and I had this constant fear in the back of my mind that one day he would give up on me.Last night he nearly did. 

After all these years of hoping, and loving and caring for one another. After all the rpomises, adventures and dreams we've shared, after my full trust and soul I have handed over to him on a platter, he said he doens't think he can do this anymore. A punch in the stomach, from the only person I trust in this world, from the only person I though I could trust.

I've had a rough week. I got in the car yesterday thinking how much I miss him and the weight of him moving cam crushing down on me. I called him after three attepmts with a malfunctioning phone, and frustrated I said things I didn't really mean. We didn't talk much on the phone and then I said I don't feel the love right now even though I know he loves me. I started getting upset. I was thinking how jealous I am of his family and close they are. How I always wished my family was like that. I was thinking how I am always going to come second and never be on the same level as his family. It kinda hurts. He's always my first.  In the past couple of days I've been thinking about what life on a base is going to be like, living with our dog and him and getting excited about it.marriage sometime while hes in tech school or after and I got so excited.

I had a moment of weakness that I let show through yesterday. I thought I could around him. It was because I miss him. and he got mad, frustraited. I apologized, I admitted my guilt and that I was wrong for saying those things. He said I was selfish, that I demand all his time, money and energy. 

...and I'm sorry.

I feel betrayed and heart broken. My worst nightmare nearly came true. I go to him because hes the only person that understands me. I hope that's still true. This morning I feel alone. 

I had a dream that I was in a war torn foreign country and he drove off in his car leaving me behind. 

I miss him so bad. He's my best friend, and gaurdian angel. He has shown me God, hope and happiness, but then his words last night pierced through my heart. 

This morning I am going to go camping and have fun. I can't wait because I know I will enjoy it, but as always I'll be wishing he was with me, laughing, having adventures and crazy things happen to us, but it's going to feel diffrent because in the back of my head, I'm not sure he feels the same way about me anymore.

Changes...again.

M told me to write on my blog. So here it goes.

He is in the airforce. This I have come to terms with.

He and his family lives three hours away which feels like its right down the road almost now because we have been doing this distance since we were 17. (Now 23)

Now its already hard to deal with the airforce thing but I justify it in my mind this way... I'm happy for him. I am excited for our future. He has finalley found something that makes him happy, proud, and makes him feel confident and acomplished. It makes me so happy to see him soo happy.

His family will still be there with my baby (chazs German Shepard) and when he visits his family I can come see him too...only a drive away. But now... His dad got a position on the other side of the united states. They are leaving the east coast.

Now he will be gone, his family will be gone, no more 3 hour drives, no more weekend visits, Now it will be harder. Plane rides, months without seeing each other, and its already hard enough to maintain a relationship over the phone and text. Its not the same. At all.

For some reason it didn't hit me until I realized that his family is moving to the otherside of the united states. The realization that everything is dramatically changeing has once again hit me like a head on train.

I've officially decided... I DON'T LIKE CHANGE. Once upon a time it was exciting to me and now... everytime something changes it literally feels like a punch in the gut and shortness of breath.

I know its not going to be easy for him either and that hurts me too.

I'm so tired. I just want the waiting to be over.

I am beyond extatic that he has found his place and has found himself, but it hurts so so so so much to be apart. I just want to feel his arms around me. To curel up in bed with him. I want all these things that so many people take for granted. But alas... I wait some more until fate and God decides to brings us together.

I miss you M. And now I'm going to spend time with my family like you said to. I hope you sleep well. I love you M.

Headed for the Water...

I'm headed for a much needed vacation. Traveling down 95 with my family as I write...no I'm not driving haha. M isn't here.

I'm happy to be here in the car. No choice but to relax. I couldn't sleep last night. My anxiety was on high and thoughts were racing. Today everything that was bugging me is fixed.

Whew. What a freaking year. In 2012 I got a job, moved, lost a job, was stranded with little money waitressing for 6 months, then got the best job of my life, was hired on full time 2013, found the explination for most of my weird medical problems, found a way to calm my anxiety and backed up M in his decision to join the military.

A lot can happen in a year. And here I am... Job, benifits, health under control, life falling into place, headed to the beach, smooth car ride, sothing music. At this moment. right now. Life is good.

Now I just need M here with me to make it complete. Love you M.

Can't Sleep

My mind is racing. Change. Panic. Fear. Thoughts speeding through. I can't stop them. Its like screaming. Loud. I'm so tired. I want to sleep. But all the stresses, worries and fear like to race around my head like annoying mosquitos. They won't shut up or go away.
My car, my ticket, my neighbors property I wrecked, my cardiologist appointments, my parents wanting to leave at a specific time tommarow, my developed uncontrolled spending, my anxiety...oh god my anxiety... How it amplifies every worry thought and fear and keeps me from rest. It haunts me.

And then M. He hasn't even left for basic yet and I'm already going crazy. I miss him. I want to be in his arms. I want to cry all my stresses away and here his words " its all okay. It will all work out."

I feel out of control. I hate that feeling with a passion.

Baring it All

So I would love to be hairless ... down there. I think hair down there is unattractive, for me. I am not judging anyone who likes hair down there. I also don't want to permanently get rid of it because it kinda scares me. So basically my only option is to manage it myself.

I am going to try and start managing it daily, though I have heard that your not supposed to do that. Some sites say it's okay. The problem is my skin gets irritated no matter what I do it seems. I've tried after shave and baby powder (baby powder works great, for a little while). I also end up with irritated skin, uncomfortable and because I want to be smooth all the time, but my skin is irritated, I usually have to let it grow a little before I can shave again. It's frustrating....

Any advice for sensitive skin?

  

Change is Constant

Change is Constant. I embrace it hesitantly  Like sticking my toes in the pool water to test the temperature before jumping in. You can't blame me. Every major change in my life has impacted me in a negative way... at  first and then developed into something amazing. Like the initial shock to your body when jumping into the slightly chilly pool water after weighting the pro's and cons of walking away.

M is in the Air Force. That's right. We have gone military. Once again, another year, another MAJOR change in my life.

I have many doubts and fears, but I am also very excited and have some adrenaline pumping. I am excited to see what happens and what comes next. For a while I saw my life going nowhere. I saw myself stuck in a bland, boring, colorless place with no adventure. And now all these doors and possibilities are opening up again. What's going to happen? Where is life going to go? What opportunities will this create for us....

And on a more SEXI note.... M is a military man which makes his hotness score sky rocket and I didn't think it could go much further ; ).

Instead of getting to test the waters first, I'm getting pushed in. Instead of weighting the pros and cons, someone else is in control of whether or not and when I have to jump into the pool....

I am used to planning. When your lifestyle changes to "military" you can't exactly plan. I have no choice, but to sit back and let go of the control over my future. It is now up to M.

I am scared, but excited and then I realize.... isn't that the nature of a sub, to have another take over and control of their life, to make the decision for them. To decide what is best, safe and healthy? I am a sub. M is my Master. He is taking control of our future and I will be obediently by his side from now on.

Broken

I can't stop crying. I loath this time of year. Everything just seems terrible. No matter how hard I try to change, make things better, be positive and happy, I'm just not. I can't ever tell if what I do is the wrong thing or right thing.

At this moment it feels like no matter what I do is the right thing. I feel terrible no matter what.

I'm broken and I always have been. Since I was young. With every life event the cuts get deeper, my soul gets torn to pieces.

I had another episode in the middle of the night. Where I get dizzy, my breath seems to be taken right out of my lungs, my hearing goes. At least I know it has something to do with stress and physical pain. This time the pain was in my chest instead of my abdomen.

Since I was little there was only one thing I wanted. A family of my own. I wanted to be a Mom. A homemaker. I am not a driven career type. I find value in the little things. Laughing, playing, a sunny day, a butterfly.

No matter how hard I try, the changes I make, this "dream" slips further and further from my grasp.

And I feel alone.

I work, I come home, I do things for everyone else. I have been wrapped up in this cycle for so long that I am lost within my own mind and have no idea what I want. - or do I?

I love someone with all my heart. I have put everything into us, including my soul. ... I don't know what else to say other then that. We play and laugh and love life together. When we are together... but we aren't.

It is obvious that I've reached my limit. I started crying yesterday and haven't stopped since.I am so broken. No matter what I do or how I think I can't stop crying.

I don't want to be alone, but then I don't want to be teetering on the edge of a false hope.

My life is destroyed. I don't want to hear..."oh your young" I hate that. I can't go back to elementary school, I can't go back to middle or high school, I can't go back to college, I can't get these days back. Those are the days when you find out who you are, when you have the opportunity to build the life you want.. I still don't know who I am and I have no one to blame but myself.

All I know is that I love someone with all my heart and everything, but the distance is tearing me apart. I don't know what to do. 6 years apart is a long time. A lot of gas, a lot of goodbyes and a lot of tears. .. a lot of amazing times.

....I did this to myself. Put in all this hope. And right now I probably sabotaging my life again like I do. Like I said... I am completely broken.

 I just don't want to feel alone.

Sorry for such a depressing post, but this is the only place I can get it out.